Sexual healing

When the passion goes out of your sex life, should you just live with it, or is it time to move on?

1. My husband and I have been married for 24 years. We have had no sex for three years and it is difficult for me and having a very bad effect on everything.
2. I am 31 years old and my boyfriend is 30. We have been together for five years and are very much in love. The problem is our sex life. For about two years now, he has not been interested in me physically and will only make love on the occasional weekend. I suspect he no longer finds me attractive.
3. My dilemma is my sex life or, rather, the lack of one. We have been married for six years and love each other very much. But our sexual relationship approaches zero, and while my wife is loving, she seems uninterested in sex.
I think the most common problem affecting couples of all ages seems to be a lack of sex. Most of separations between couples are due to lack of sex and its consequences than any other issue. It's funny to think how if you go six months without scoring when you're single, you're virtually suicidal; yet many marriages rumble on for decades with little but a goodnight kiss to sustain them. Yet it's the singleton we're supposed to feel sorry for. In many ways the difficulties associated with finding a partner have obliterated any chance of sympathy for those coupled up, but unhappily so. If you're in a relationship, you're supposed to put up and shut up. But while the singleton whines enviously about married friends' access to affection, the truth is that behind those closed doors there's often zero going on.
Women who have had children are the most aggressively defensive about their position - especially if they're in conversation. 'You wait and see,' they smugly assert, 'You won't be feeling like it either once you've popped a couple of these out.' Well, be that as it may, one thing's for sure - they're not the only ones using sex as a weapon. I'm sorry to be so blunt but that is what is going on.
Midlife crisis, anger, emasculation, depression, weight gain or loss, job loss, stress, drugs - the absence of sex is almost always a symptom and not the cause. Knowing that it's not just sex but another problem won't make sufferers feel better. Certainly not those unhappy people still in love with their partners and desperate for a physical manifestation of it. Annoyingly, withholding sex doesn't seem to kill off the feelings of the other party, it merely inspires more agony.
Contrary to popular belief, most men denied sex by the one they love don't fall into the arms of the nearest available alternative. Instead, they silently endure their pain, until their self-confidence withers away. It's not any easier for women, whose self-esteem is already at low ebb, punctured by advancing years, or childbirth and endless pictures of how they should look. And it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Unless it's in the first flush of love, the contrary nature of the human being is that the more someone wants sex or anything else from you, the less likely you are to give it to them.
Well, you know what? I'm going to put my foot right in the viper's nest. I'm sick of hearing people tell me they've 'gone off sex' as if they had no responsibility to the person they've dedicated their life to. It's no coincidence that my letters aren't from the withholding party who, most of the time, seems to think there's nothing wrong. And in some ways they are right. Everyone goes off sex. You are going off sex, this should be a joint decision not a decision of one partner imposed on the other. Just saying no is not acceptable unless you are prepared to discuss it. You can't turn the other way for 10 years and expect someone to come home to you every night.

If you're not prepared to put out then move out. A relationship devoid of sex is not an option, unless it's by mutual consent. Judging by my mailbag, that's not often the case. Sex is like jogging: often you don't fancy it, but once you get started it's not nearly as bad as you'd imagined. It's surely taking the 'having it all' philosophy to an extreme when you expect to keep your faithful partner at your side and home fires burning while behaving like you've joined a celibate order. Talk it out or sort it out. Avoiding this epidemic issue is not an acceptable option.

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Sheri & Bob's Marriage Blog

By Sheri & Bob Stritof, Marriage Guides

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Living Without Sex

Saturday December 20, 2003

Check out the discussion on our Marriage Forum about lack of sex in marriage. The article being talked about is entitled Sexual Healing. The author's conclusion is, "Just saying no is not acceptable unless you are prepared to discuss it. You can't turn the other way for 10 years and expect someone to come home to you every night."

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Comments

July 22, 2007 at 3:27 pm

you cannot argue with nature and the opposite sex is there for a reason. yes, sex is to procreate but it is also to show passionate appreciation for one another. deciding not to have sex with the one you love is an extreme act of greed. sure, you can decide not to have sex as often but to be able to share each other must happen sometime. a second bedroom would be ideal for temporary space but not to encourage a line in between the relationship. such sadness.

September 13, 2007 at 4:36 am

I have been happily married to my husband for nine years and to hear that ones should decide to NOT HAVE SEX at all after marriage is just plain silly!

October 15, 2007 at 9:21 pm

It would be great if “no sex ever” really worked. My husband and I have a “no sex ever” non-verbal aqreement. I request, he declines, and so it goes. I feel unattractive, unwanted, unappreciated, and taken for granted. I used to grill him on his whereabouts and ask for constant reassurance that there is no one else (romantically). I now believe that he’s just happier not having sex, which breaks my heart. I don’t believe “no sex ever” is part of a good marriage.

October 21, 2007 at 3:19 am

Ideally, to have sex in a marriage is a much richer relationship. Also, I feel it is O.K. not to have sex in a marriage too.

My wife and I have been married for 10 years, known each other for a total of 15 years. I’m 17 years younger than her. We are both are college-educated people and have no children. It is our first marriage for both of us. I like to stay physically active and she is the opposite.

I’m currently 38 and my wife lost interest of making love to me about 4 years ago.

I have asked her that I like to rekindle our love making, but to no prevail. I have come to the conclusion that there is a something deeper that causes her being withdrawn from me. She did come out saying that I’m not the cause to the no sex marriage.

I still feel rejected even though it is not me. There were times I wonder what is like to make love again. I had some women in the past have expressed interest in me, but I had to pull myself away from them. I really love my wife and I just cannot do it with any other women.

Meantime, I look to Dana Reeve’s (Superman’s wife) experience to help me to get through these days, weeks, months, and years.

I hope someday my wife and I can make love again.

December 11, 2007 at 1:53 pm

What is a relationship between two people without sex, for me this is freindship, not marriage. The only thing that differentiate good friends and marriage couples is the sexual relation what presumes intimacy, desire and be completed by your loved one in total!

February 19, 2008 at 1:14 am

I’ve been in a sexless relationship for almost a decade. it has finally broken my spirit. i feel ugly, unloved, unwelcome, inadequate, inconceivably alone, and as if the choice i am forced to make (do i sleep around and lose my marriage, or do i not sleep around and lose my sanity), is simply the worst abuse one could think up. because it locks me in an eternal battle with my conscience, who i am, and what i want from my life.
i feel dirty and selfish for wanting sex.
like i am some kind of prowling scavenger.
I am constantly in a state of humiliation because i have this basal need that is simply not on my husband’s list of things to do.
At times i thought of just walking out, but i then think i must be tremendously shallow if everything else is OK, except this, and I am thinking of giving up all we have for a few silly orgasms.
and other times i can really think of nothing else. every man i walk past makes me feel like a depraved animal, and i literally have to reel myself in to not approach him with a no-strings-suggestion.
I have never felt as out of control as I do now – as if I am too strong to keep in line. it scares me.
it’s like waking up as a bionic woman, and having no clue why you can walk straight through your own morals, your own values, and just NEED something so badly that you will risk everything to get it.

i’m not sure if i am making sense to anyone. but maybe there’s someone who feels the same way, and don’t have the words yet…

March 31, 2008 at 9:31 am

My wife isn’t interested in sex or seeing a counselor. Every once in a blue moon when we initiate sex, its always me and she is as cold as ice. Clearly she feels like it is a duty and there is no enthusiasm – and I know it (you just can’t fake some things). Let me tell you – that is worse than not having sex at all! “Pity sex” from my own wife always makes me feel awful and like a total loser afterwards. We started this “pity sex” after a very heated discussion and my wife said she would try to make things better. This has been going on for sometime and I feel like it is the worse kind of abuse. Talking about her effort my wife will make sure she smells awfully bad when she comes to bed with me for this “pity sex”. She would never bother to take a bath or even brush her teeth. Believe me even after this I did everything which women die for. I went down on her and gave her oral when she was not even clean (which very few males do even if their wives are clean). Her nipples will go rock hard with pleasure and her sexual juices would go running but she would pretend nothing is happening. She would stay stiff and did not bother what so ever that she needs to do to me too to relieve my sexual tension. She would leave me in the middle and rush out saying “are you done”. What a sex life. !!!!

I have a 2 grade son. My wife says we should be together for our son till he moves out. It’s a hard pill to swallow, why should only I think about our son, isn’t he her son too. Doesn’t it come in her mind that if I am happy this whole thing can be easier. If she cant sleep with me in a decent way how can she expect me to believe she will do anything for my son. Sex is something which even she enjoys but she won’t do for me. I hate all this and I hate myself living through this I don’t know how long I will survive in this hell. I have lost my job and I avoid all my friends. I have nothing to look forward to. Recently I have an option of having a partner outside my married life and I am not sure how long will be able to resist it.

April 20, 2008 at 5:54 pm

My husband also has no interest whatsoever in sex…however he has an ED problem but his doc says it is psychological. I am also feeling totally undesirable, ugly and wish I knew what was wrong with me. It makes it worse when he jokes with his friends about doing it alot at times of his life. Walking out? I have been considering it alot but do not want to leave him. I feel like I am just a roommate and many times do not even want to sleep with him in the same bed because of the utter frustration. I think no sex in a marriage is ok if both have no desire but when one does and the other has less than none, then what? I am at a loss and time will tell. I love him, but that love isn’t like the full love anymore without the intimacy. I know there are other ways to have closeness without him having to get an erection but that is non-existant too. Lonely life

April 28, 2008 at 9:41 pm

My Husband of 20 years is a wonderful man but he never iniates sex and I get tired of trying to get him interested. He would rather watch tv. He is 62 and I am 50. I love him as a person but feel like I am living my life to please him and not myself. We have a generation gap and rarely find something in common. But he is a wonderful man and I hate to hurt him.

May 26, 2008 at 6:07 pm

I feel a little comfort in knowing that others feel as I do. I too love my wife, but wish she had a sex drive that is 1/2 as strong as mine. I hate the idea of cheating, but can’t think of any other choice.

May 28, 2008 at 11:43 am

The last five years of my marriage was without sex. Hard to say why, it just was. He was not very sexual and I was ok with that, he was a good man in every other way and I was at a point in my life when we met, that I thought it wasn’t that important. I was WRONG. It’s hard enough for men and women to live together and you need that intimacy at night to keep you close and connected to each other. Without it, we became distant roommates. I struggled for a long time too, thinking how foolish it is to give up everything else that is so good, just to be “close” to someone again. What if I never found someone again and ended up alone anyway, what’s the difference – at least I had a good friend to do things with. Then we decided we owed it to each other to let go and give each other the chance to find the romance that was obviously missing between the two of us. Well, it’s been another five years since my divorce and still no relationship, but at least I don’t go to bed feeling empty and inadequate. I’ve learned the importance of Sex in a marriage and am hopeful that I’ll find that one special person that I can share a “complete” relationship with.

June 28, 2008 at 3:41 pm

What can I say? I’m 47, male, and I have been married for 22 years. Unfortunately for me, the wife has medical, and psychological problems, but she had them even before we got married. How little did I know… All my attempts with marriage councilors has failed. The wife simply refuses to participate, and the specialist think she has suffered a rape or trauma in her life, but.. they also admit they do not know what is entirely wrong. They recommended I seek a girlfriend after their talks with her. However, I was raised in a Neo-Christian home, and sex was for marriage, but not before, or outside of it. Divorce is out of the question in my family, My own father informed me; I would be disowned and bound for hell if I did such a thing. “Such wonderful support…” We have no kids, but we have every material thing money can buy. So where does it leave me? I feel unwanted, used, neglected, ugly, and useless. Over the years this has cost me my faith, and my sanity, but I press on… Although I feel that I have missed out on one of greater gifts life has to offer.

I just can’t understand it; the human body has many functions, but most of them we would die quickly if we abstained from them… such as “breathing, eating, so on.” Some are just discussing.. and most would prefer not to have them, such as “taking a crap, flatulence, or belching.”
But… I never see websites, or email adds to improve your farting life, or quality of deification? All humor aside. Nature has placed a great deal of importance on sex… otherwise, there would not be any of us here. So why is it so common to see men, and women with no love life? Why is it so hard to find a simple balance to something that should be a normal part of a healthy life? In some ways I feel the capitalist culture is largely to blame. Sex is a seller of goods… The Internet makes ton’s of money at the expense of people just like me. I get dozens of porn adds, and Viagra spam emails every day, but it’s so ironic… Too even look at a woman in the workplace will get you a sexual harassment suit in an instant. If you speak to a young girl your branded a “Pervert.” The church uses sex to control, dictate, and restrict. Marketing uses it it push its products. “What has this world come too?” Just to add to the frustration; A few years ago my wife got a dog, and two cats. Her compassion, and feelings for them has replaced me, I can not touch her, nor get near her. I am also highly allergic to them, and must remain in a closed room. We sleep in different rooms, but I must do the basics for her, “groceries, cooking, maintenance of the house”.

Perhaps I seem as a fool? Maybe I am? Is divorce the only answer, and the only choice? Is a life totally alone without sex a better option?
I can only dream of what a real sex life would be like… I must stand in the shadows and watch as others experience fulfillment? All of this has left me empty and full of regret…

I have no fear of hell… because I already live in it.

July 2, 2008 at 3:37 am

I was married for 20 years. When we were first married I was 20 and he was 27. He was the first for me but I was one of many for him. When we first got married sex happened about 2-3 times/week. If I tried to initiate anything he would push me away. So I stopped trying. Then all I heard was how he gets tired of initiating sex. I told him sorry but you made it this way and this is the way it is. After about 15 years of marriage it happened about once/month. I felt as many of you do. I felt ugly. I thought our lack of sex what all because of the way I looked. Once I started thinking about divorce, I realized that sex was a way for him to have power over me. He could physically have all the signs of wanting to have sex but he would tell me no. Now in my new relationship I have to deal with these demons. It seems to me that if two people decide together that they will not have sex in their relationship or if an individual decides for themselves with no relationship involvws then that is fine. When one person makes the decision in a relationship then that is when there is a problem.

July 13, 2008 at 11:45 am

I can relate to so many of these comments…

‘I can only dream of what a real sex life would be like… I must stand in the shadows and watch as others experience fulfillment?’ and I feel exactly the same way.

My husband is a loving, caring person, just not sexually. I would love to be romanced. I would love to feel sexy. It doesn’t seem to matter what I do – it doesn’t make any difference. I hate to say it, but if I knew marriage was going to be like this, I might have re-considered it. Now that I am married, I can’t just throw it all away. I am catholic and do believe that marriage is for life. But I find it hard to understand how to make it a happy relationship. I hate myself for thinking it but sometimes I think about having an affair or leaving my husband. We do have a good relationship in other areas but I REALLY have to focus on those, otherwise I start to go crazy.

July 18, 2008 at 5:40 am

I have been in a sexless marriage for about 3 years now. And it has been very hard to stop thinking about sex. I get really sad when I think about it. Its like, “Man, this sucks ass!” I have to find things to do to keep me busy. I love my wife so much, and I just want to please her, but shes never in the mood. We talked about it, and she just says “I dont feel like it” and I’m thinking, “WTF!” Are you serious? It gets to the point where I start telling my friends and co-workers about it and that bad because I know I shouldn’t be saying anything. But I hold my feeling in and I just have to say something. It gets to a point where I start looking at other women and I start thinking what I want to do with them. And thats all bad. Because I know if I had a chance to do it. I probably would. If you know what I mean. Good think I haven’t done anything yet. It just sucks that I can’t even have sex or make love with my wife. Well, someday it will have. I just don’t know if it will be with my wife. So sad, but what can I do. I’ll just have to tough it out.

July 18, 2008 at 11:54 am

I’m relieved to read comments like these, to know that I am not the only one feeling this way. I can’t believe how much a lack of sex affects me. But it’s not just a lack of sex, it’s a lack of intimacy. There are so many things couples do that I don’t do with my husband. I feel like I’m missing out on a part of a relationship I’m supposed to have because I’m married. It’s so much harder being married than I ever thought it would be. I have tried to talk to my husband about the way the lack of sex is affecting me, but he just gets upset. I think if it were me in the same position I’d at least consider the feelings of my husband. I sometimes fantasise about previous relationships I’ve had and the chemistry I had with other men. I need that. After going through all the self-questioning and now knowing that there’s nothing wrong with me, I still have something missing, and there’s a sense of sadness with that. I used to think there was something I could do to make my husband want me more. I went away with a girlfriend for six days to another state and I thought that when I returned he might have missed me enough to want to make love to me, but no. He said he missed me but that was it. I was bitterly disappointed and I started to lose hope of things ever changing between us. I’m not sure if I can stay married to my husband if the relationship is toxic for me. Am I just looking at it in the wrong way? Am I being selfish? Shouldn’t I at least be happy?

July 19, 2008 at 4:18 pm

I am totally amazed with what i have been reading. I thought I was the only one. My husband and I have had sex 3 times within the last 5 years. After we married, we didn’t have sex until a year later.

I never ever imagined in my wildest dreams – or should I say – nightmares, that I would be in a marriage like this.

I too, am with a man who is good in just about every other way. Some of the wives’ of his friends envy me because I don’t have to work and my husband is such a good provider. Little do they know that I am a raging ball of sexual frustration.

I understand what some of the other women have written about feeling dirty or ashamed to be thinking about sex so frequently. I have seriously questioned if it is ridiculous to leave a marriage due to lack of sex. But sometimes I think that it is really much more than that. It is particular form of cruelty in my opinion. Especially considering the fact that my husband seems to have no problem with our lack of sex. He never brings it up. He never asks for it. I cry, I explain how I feel, I cry some more, I get angry, but to no avail. He promises that things will get better but he never makes a move.

I am 36 years old and this is not what I signed up for. When I made those vows, I did not agree to a life of abstinence. I also did not agree to transforming into a bitter, sex deprived woman who has gotten to the point where I can’t stand to hear my husband breathe sometimes.

I seriously don’t know how we can possibly recover from something like this. Keep in mind, I used to ADORE this man. But now, I am a severely insecure person who has a secret life which, unfortunately, brings on another host of problems.

Thank you to the person who started this thread. It feels good to share and to know that you are not the only one.

July 20, 2008 at 5:10 am

I recently filed for divorce from my wife and after reading some of the previous entries, I have to say that I’m glad I’m not the only one who is upset in a “no sex” marriage.

I married this girl right after I got out of college and I seriously thought she was the one for me. I loved her. But when we finally got a place of our own (an apt, not a house), the “honeymoon” wore off and real life started.

Well she had been fired from two decent paying jobs and after that, I finally broke down and said I wanted a divorce. In the three years we’ve been married, we never once had sex. We “tried,” (”Tried” means maybe being in bed, but no clothes came off! She would freeze up!!) but it just never happened. I steadily overtime quit saying “I love you” and just was not attracted to her anymore.

I’m in my late 20’s and in the prime of my “sexual life.” This woman has “burned” me, and quite frankly, I’m the happiest I’ve been in over a 1.5 years after giving her the boot!!!!

All I can say is that my chances of re-marrying are slim to none. I will/may have future girlfriends, but no wives. If an “accident” occurrs, I WILL NOT marry her. I’ll support the child as my own (obviously I don’t have any children).

July 31, 2008 at 1:08 pm

I’m a 50 year old guy. 2nd marriage with same sexless problem. 1st marriage I didn’t foresee the sexless life happening. 2nd marriage I looked for signs and my wife was great before we tied the knot. Treated me like a king. She would say things like “how can your 1st wife not want sex with you? i love you, you’re great” Year later sex started slowing down. She would say little things like” come on, things slow down when you get older” (at the time I was 40, her 34. Before people get on my ass, I did do “the little things” that she likes and make her feel guilty to have sex.
Now we’re in counseling, she said that she wouldn’t mind if she never had sex again for the rest of her life.
I feel for the women that wrote that their husbands don’t want them and at the same time I don’t believe it, sorry.
Why can’t I meet women that want sex, no such thing that’s why.
2 months ago we had sex, since I don’t know when, and I did all the work.
I want to be seduced too!
Since I not using my real name, thank god for craig’s list.
And my wife truly wonders why men go to hookers.

July 31, 2008 at 1:15 pm

correction above;
, I did do “the little things” that she likes and NOT make her feel guilty to have sex

August 1, 2008 at 1:06 pm

you are wrong. There are women who want to have sex. Saying that, is the same thing as ‘all men like to have sex’.

August 1, 2008 at 5:06 pm

I agree with you. I’m lonely and sad and I felt like I’ve been tricked. My wife use to be wild and fun and thats long gone. I’m older than her but she has become an old lady mentally. I relate to your story. NobodyReally’s story (#12) nailed it on the head for me! Thats me when she wrote,
“i feel dirty and selfish for wanting sex.
like i am some kind of prowling scavenger.
I am constantly in a state of humiliation because i have this basal need”.
I hate being in this life sucks mode. I feel like a nobody.
Forgot where I heard this; Sex is like money, when you have a lot of it, you don’t really think about. When you don’t have a lot of it, thats all you think about.

August 3, 2008 at 3:04 am

I feel SO relieved to find this thread. your post could have been written by me! If I knew how much suffering I would have due to my sexual relationship (or LACK thereof) with my husband, I wouldn’t have married him, even though he’s a great guy in every other way. It started the first weekend of our marriage, and I have felt so cheated ever since– I had never had sex before, and he had had many partners. I wonder why I waited. Sometimes I feel that I will go crazy! I’m such a loyal person, but it’s driven me to struggle with thoughts about other men and what it would be like to be with them. I even wish I could take a lover just so I could have that need met. We want to have children, but I don’t know how that’s going to happen. I’m so unhappy, and really the lack of sex is our big issue– he’s great in most other ways.

August 3, 2008 at 12:16 pm

I have read the comments from both men and women and I truly believe that most of these poor people are simply with the wrong person. Often initially we are attracted sexually to another person, but after a time it becomes evident there is nothing left in common to sustain the relationship. Must be the reason I am in this situation now!

August 13, 2008 at 6:09 pm

It is so unfortunate some human beings can not perform the most basic of natural functions in a marriage. I gave over 20 years of my life to a woman who would not even kiss me. I hope the best for all here, and those whom read these posts. I wish that you all can find happiness in the future. I have failed to solve the problems of mine, and now I walk the road of life alone.

August 14, 2008 at 1:55 pm

It is unfortunate for anyone to live in a *sexless marriage* you feel unloved, unwanted, unattractive etc. I have lived in a predominately sexless marriage for 20 years. I’ve luckily had 1 child out of 100x of so called intimacy in 20 years. It is the cruelest existence to live, with heartache galore. He finds excuses, reasons and promises to make time, it never ever happens and barely likes to be touched. I get a perfunctory kiss in the morning, hug when he gets home (only if pressed to have physical contact) on occasion I get a kiss at night. Then cannot understand why I have a hard time sleeping near him at night, I wander down to the sofa and cry. He doesn’t make the changes, been to a ton of counselors… I keep hearing *your my Wife, why did you leave @3AM?* It is so baffling that a man can be that clueless and freaks out about sex! I do not want to live unfulfilled as a woman anymore, it is a lonely walk. He has chased off friends and family…and even our child. He appears to have a bitterness inside over intimacy and being a Father…and no he’s not gay. Though I thought he was years ago or having an affair, he was outraged over the thought, he just has no desire for sex or thinks it dirty (Catholic upbringing) some guilt complex. All I can say is, don’t let this happen to you! I had no idea when I married him, there were no signs that it would ever be this way, and be tortured for the duration of 20 years. I am starting from *scratch* now, making a very separate life for myself, I cannot afford to live by myself (nor can he) even though I desire a divorce, it is in the truest sense…*A Marriage of Convenience*…and so it goes.

August 15, 2008 at 1:12 pm

If you place any credibility on the bible, this is what it has to say about it…

The cessation of sexual intimacy between a husband and a wife is, “according to Gods law”, a functional termination of a marriage. Understand; sexual intimacy is not just a carnal act for procreation or for physical pleasure. It is the ultimate act of fusion that a husband and wife can ever possibly have. It is the glue that holds a marriage together. Sex is the act that brings in its wake an overwhelming tidal wave of positive emotion that is capable of sewing a husband and wife together as one flesh. A marriage without physical intimacy is not natural. I do not say this to chastise or embarrass, I am merely stating a human truth. Like an anorexic that refuses to eat, a marriage without the sustenance gained through sexual and physical sharing is lacking in essential nutrients that it needs to thrive and prosper. As a result, it is severely undernourished, and it is wasting away to a mere shell.

August 19, 2008 at 11:08 am

I have had no sexual contact with my husband for 3 years – or with anyone for that matter.

It’s all been said before, but I’d like to thank NobodyReally for saying she felt ‘out of control’ now. I feel exactly and totally the same. What is happening to me?? I feel like I could go off the rails at any moment. I constantly crave sex and I am now actively looking for an affair. There I said it. I can’t take it anymore…I could cry at any moment, but try to cry only when I’m in the shower and it doesn’t show.

No-ones mentioned masturbation, have they? Everytime I do it, I cry. I used to cry because I wanted my husband, but now I cry because I’m so unhappy and feel so awful.

August 19, 2008 at 2:32 pm

I feel completely lost and overwhelmed with fear. I CAN’T get a divorce. We just had the most beautiful baby you’ve ever seen, and I will never divorce and do to this precious child what my parents did to me. Nothing that I could go through by abstaining from sex would be as bad as putting my baby through a divorce. Plus, I love my husband SO much. He is my best friend, and I admire him and love to talk with him.

So what do I do? I, too, feel ugly and unwanted. It makes me so angry because I know that other men find me extremely good-looking…everyone but my husband…and he’s all that matters. I see him check out other women, and I know he would like to have sex with them because they’re different. He prefers looking up porn alone on the internet every night, and he says getting head feels better than sex. He’s told me that he feels little emotional connection through sex, but that’s the best part for me. He would have sex with me if I asked, but who would want to have sex with someone who would prefer not to? I feel like he’s doing me a favor when he have sex. How can he be so sexually active but just not want to be with me?

I want to throw a rock at the T.V. every time the husband on Everybody Loves Raymond begs his wife for sex. Until I read this website, I thought I was some freak of nature woman who wanted sex more than her husband. I cried when I read that there were other women out there. I need to know what to do to make this marriage work. I’m in such a bad mood all the time and so angry at him that I’m starting to get worried. I need to talk about it with my family and friends, but I would never embarass him like that. We’re only in our twenties so it will only get worse, won’t it?

Nothing: I cry, too. And I’ve stopped imagining my husband when I go because it’s too difficult to imagine what used to be. The guilt of mentally cheating on someone is pretty crappy. I never used to do that.

August 21, 2008 at 10:22 am

Kev, I feel like I just want to have meaningless sex with you and all the other men on this site. I know that sounds terrible but that’s the way I feel. I feel guilty for even saying it. I need to change something in my life or I think I’m going to do something I’ll regret.

August 21, 2008 at 3:37 pm

I am in the same boat as many other wives.. I am married to a man that has no sex drive what-so-ever.. and I am like an 18 year old guy.. I ahve a good healthy sex drive, so I am dealing with all the same emotions.. Tossing up the idea of getting divorced. I have spoken to my husband about it and he makes an attempt, but who wants pitty sex, not me !

August 24, 2008 at 12:59 pm

It has been interesting reading these posts. I have a similar relationship to many that have commented. My Husband is a wonderful man and I am trying to figure out if the good outweighs the bad. We dated a very long time and I knew he had a very low libido. I accepted this because his sense of touch and the intimacy was acually not very good or fulfilling anyway. He is such a good man, that I thought I could be okay with it. In the back of my mind, I wondered if it had anything to do with Catholic guilt and perhaps it would get better. We married because we decided we wanted to have kids and it seemed the right thing to do. Unfortunately, 5 years later, no kids…. and we have made no improvements on the intimacy front. He does have physical issues but hasn’t done much to improve that either. We truly care about one another but really are like roommates. The attraction has waned (it was never that strong, frankly.) So here I am trying to decide what my next move should be. I feel lonely and empty and very sad right now…

August 26, 2008 at 2:11 pm

Everyone is different,

i liked this post till the arguing started, what if like me you have a thing for chastity? and the idea that teasing is what you get due to some contraption is actually better than sex?

sex doesn’t have to be robotic and always consist of protocol intercourse, it could very well be torturous and drive you crazy.

I’m in the market for a CB6000, I plan to jb weld the lock shut. I dunno, the point I’m trying to send across is what if they are both into that? I knew girls that hated normal sex, it did nothing for them, not even orgasm. But when they were doms it changed everything.

Relationships are as different as everyone in the world, two hindis as soul mates may wish to have a “pure” relationship and become closer to Krishna together, or two extravagant deviants may want to lock one another up for a while to show them that they love them. I wouldn’t mind a girl hooking me up to a gyroscope when I got home from work, and humiliate me in front of friends and family, that is a good healthy relationship.

I find sex to be boring personally, being male and 21 this is a pretty extreme statement.

One thing that exceeds the importance of sex, is the genuine love for each other’s personalities and companionship, one factor of a relationship cannot mean everything, but it can be as important as any other.

August 27, 2008 at 2:27 am

I’ve been married to a low libido woman for 17 years. With the exception of our sex life/physical intimacy, I really enjoy being married to my wife. I’m not sure what to do. I love my wife, she’s a good person and makes me want to be a better person. That said, she has almost no desire and absolutely no imagination. For example, almost 3 months after asking her for an idea of something different to do (rather than the same old missionary in our bedroom) and I’m still waiting for her answer (yes, I do reminder her every now and again). It hurts me that she can’t even put the thought into it. To make matters even worse, she is also not a very physical person. I am usually the one giving hugs or kisses and when I ask her to remember that I would like to get them too she says ‘ok’ then never does it. I find it hard to believe that after 17 years of me asking for spontaneous kisses or hugs (not to mention sex) that she can’t remember.

The thing that hurts me most is her telling me ‘no’ on a regular basis. Usually when I mention to her that it’s been a while and we should have sex again she says something along the lines of ‘tonight when the kids go to bed’. Then when it’s time, she conveniently forgets that we were going to have sex and is too *insert lame excuse here*. Then after she is asleep I go masturbate to ‘relieve’ myself.

After the kids are grown up, I’m not sure what I’ll do.

I think I’ll go quietly cry now.

September 3, 2008 at 12:41 am

I guess I blame myself…I was guilty of not giving my husband what he needed…sex…I turned him down so many times that he built a wall and now I have finally figured out my problem…self esteem issues and have worked on them…now I want my husband more than ever, but he has a wall so high I don’t know if we can get through it..I love him and he tells me that he loves me and can’t think of ever living without me…but it breaks my heart to know that I have pushed him this far when nothing in the world would make me happier than to have him hold me again and tell me he loves me. I miss my love and hope counseling will help us through…but it hurts to know that what I am feeling now is what he has felt all these years…I don’t know if a million apologies will ever make up for what I have done.

September 7, 2008 at 4:03 pm

Wow- things blew open here since I last left a comment! Truly empathize with all of you that posted here! Have written in detail in a post at http://www.deardiarrhea.wordpress.com on my low sex-life situation-worth a read.(Not plugging here-just to much to paste for a post). What I find amazing is all the women who have partners not interested in sex!! WTF! I’m male,just hitting 50,in great shape(take care of myself)and never considered stopping since I first raised a stiff one! I always thought “Who WOULDN’T want to make love given the opportunity”(Well I know one now-my 46 yr old wife). And I thought I had it bad grubbing to get at least once a week(if possible)-some of you here going YEARS without it-God bless you-I couldn’t take it! Someone brought up masturbation-sure- we all can wack-off or ladies can have a toss with a vibrator or dildo-but we all know it’s more than that. It’s the connection between two bodies-people-who want to please and be pleased in an expression of love-connecting at all levels-physical,emotional and spiritual. Which is why even those of us here who do “get it”(laid) on occasion we still feel deprive because it was nothing more then “animal action”(mechnical)done with an “OK,I did you a favor” attitude. It’s like I’ve said of my situation-”I could get more action out of an inflatable doll(or RealDoll)than my wife”. Why is it so many are sexually mismatched???

September 11, 2008 at 3:12 pm

I divorced my husband a year ago after experiencing everything the women in this forum went through. It is just absolutely awful to be with someone that won’t acknowledge you.

Women all around, it is just not worth it. I can’t believe people put up with it for so many years. You end up destroying yourself and nothing good comes out of it. If you are unhappy about it now, you will be in fifteen years. People hardly ever change, and sex issues are usually caused by deeper issues than we know. In my case, counseling just made it worse. He felt pressured and stopped all together.

Eventually, after all the crying, and negotiating, and suffering, I had a business trip and ended up cheating on him. I felt guilty, but also stronger. I realized I was still beautiful, young and attractive, and I did not deserve this. That is when I felt strong enough to ask for a divorce.

Divorce sucked, but it feels so much better than being married. There is no pressure in my life anymore. I don’t have a boyfriend, but I will. This time around, I will make sure to recognize how important sex is. REALLY!!

September 13, 2008 at 10:22 am

Amazing….yet another woman whose husband(now former)forgot that his weenie is for more than just peeing. As a man (married to a dud) I don’t understand it.

September 13, 2008 at 4:34 pm

My wife has repeatedly apologised for the fact that she does not feel sexually aroused when I do/am, she even asked me if it is normal for her to feel this way. We make love sometimes, I spend a great deal of attention trying to satisfy her, and we end up feeling satisfied…

But it happens once a month, when I am “lucky” that is… I love her too much and have told her more then once how I feel;

Now I could spend money on sexual fulfillment, but somehow that feels very very wrong.

What should I do?

September 16, 2008 at 1:12 pm

This is silly. I have been with a woman for six years, and for the majority of the time we have not had any sexual relations.
It is rediculous. She is much more interested in TV, or the gym, than in me. I feel like the frustrated neglected housewife. I wish I could find a woman that was interested in me.
I do not need sex to feel like a man, I need the sexuality to feel connected, alive. Sex is more than just copulation and ejaculation for me. You experience really great sex in your genitals and your toes, your elbows, your nose (if you are having great sex, you understand this analogy; if not, my condolences to you).
I am tired of masturbation, and my PC is overflowing with porn; none of which is a worthy substitution.
If you are not experiencing intimacy, you might as well be dead.

September 17, 2008 at 9:36 am

This morning(we’re both off today) I got the “I have a yeast infection” line-the one used when too lazy to make love.Hey,you don’t say if your married,have kids,ect(complicated situation). This may sound heartless, but unless she’s Playboy bunny material and you really get off just looking at her-heave ‘er overboard,laddie! Relationships of convenience suck.

September 17, 2008 at 11:28 am

After 14 years of constant rejection – not to mention the lambasting for being such a pig – I am now the one with no fire in the stove. You’re right – it’s a terribly, terribly high wall. I can’t give you any positive suggestions. I don’t think your husband would really care, if he’s like me.
I am now comfortable with my sexless existence; I feel I squandered the best years of my sexual prime away as it is. “Sorry” doesn’t wind back the clock.
You know, I used be so sexually frustrated that I thought I would have an aneurism. My wife’s rejection was like a kick in the solar plexus. If I so much as brushed her arm in bed, she’d flip out. Whenever I tried to compliment her, flirt with her, or hug her, at best she’d simply stiffen up. Usually she’d get blisteringly angry with me. Why didn’t I go out and have an affair? Simple – her emotional abuse convinced me that I wasn’t worthy of sexual satisfaction.
So, now the tables are turned, and she has “discovered” her sexual being. It was my problem when I was the horny b*stard; it’s still my problem.
I just don’t care. I don’t give a damn about her or her apologies. Day late, dollar short. The youngest is in grade 10 and will be out of the house in 2 years, followed by me 30 minutes later.

September 20, 2008 at 1:22 pm

Wow! I’m so amazed that there’s as many people out here (men AND women) that are going through what I’m going through! I thought I was alone… LOL how blind I am.

Like many of you, I love my husband. He’s a wonderful man, and we have a great relationship. He’s affectionate, he kisses me and tells me that he loves me. He’s great with my kids (the youngest one is 15 and still at home), he calls them his kids and I dare anyone to tell him that they’re not his family. He’s loyal, personable and amazing… and totally ambivolant to sex. Well, let me rephrase that… to sex with ME. He doesnt cheat (that I’m aware of), he just likes his porn. Movies, internet, text pictures… whatever. But when it comes to sexual contact with me, well, you get the picture.

He told me once that it was like work, because I tried so often. After he said that, I pretty much quit trying as often. I got to the point eventually where I stopped trying at all. Rejection was just too much. Am I disgusting? Am I unattractive? don’t I deserve to feel loved physically? DO I STINK??

I understand, when all else fails, masterbation is the way to ease SOME of the ache… but what if you’re like me? what if you can’t bring yourself to orgasim, no matter HOW hard you try? What if the only way you can get off, is with help from a partner?? He says its not his fault that I can’t bring myself relief. He says I’m not trying hard enough. HE SAYS….

Why is it always what HE says, thats the ruleing factor? I’m so dead set against cheating. I’ve always said that if a person is going to cheat, why stay? Leave the relationship. Now I don’t know. Over the last few weeks, my sexual need has gotten worse then it’s been in the last 8 years that I’ve been with my husband… and I’ve considered finding a lover. I had an add written up for Craigs list, but I deleted it before it posted. I’m flirting with a guy from work, but when it comes down to actually making it more then flirting, I stop myself. I’m right on the brink of no turning back… and the sad thing is, I really question my values now. I don’t want to leave my marriage, but I’m starting to have these thoughts more often.

I guess on top of feeling unwanted and undesirable, I’m now feeling guilty and like a piece of crap for thinking about finding the ONE thing I’m missing at home, with someone else.

September 20, 2008 at 9:14 pm

I, too was completely shocked to see all the comments on this board. I thought I was the only one.

I married my husband 5 years ago, despite signs that he was not very interested in sex. He was a good match and a good man otherwise and I thought things would improve. We’ve had two children, and that must have been by some miracle of God, because the sex was very infrequent.

It turns out there were physical reasons for his lack of sexual drive. Doctors found a benign tumor on his pituitary gland — called a prolactinoma. We learned that this condition is actually very common in both men and women and the tumors usually can be controlled with medication. One doctor told me that this condition is one of the most overlooked medical conditions because these tumors grow at such a slow rate — sometimes over a period of 10-15 years. Ice skater, Scott Hamilton has shed some light on this condition recently because he had it.

This condition can easily be detected in men by doing a simple blood test to measure the amount of prolactin in a man’s blood. Years before we met, my husband had been blown off by two different doctors who told him his lack of sex drive was “all in his head” and didn’t bother to do any tests.

I convinced my husband to go to a third doctor, and this doc finally did the blood test which found the extremely high prolactin count. They tried giving my husband the medicine, but his tumor was so big (the size of a lemon) that it ended up bleeding internally and he had to have emergency surgery to remove the tumor. His pituitary gland was damaged when the tumor was removed and he now has to be on many different medications for life.

The tumor did permanent damage and my husband is now very, very, forgetful, has gained a ton of weight, gets angry easily, and has absolutely no interest in sex whatsoever.

I wrote all the details about our experience in hope that some of you ask your doctor about his condition. Maybe your mate has this same condition, and maybe a doctor will catch it early so you won’t end up with permanent damage like my husband did.

I have had no sexual intimacy of any kind for three years now – no sex, no kisses, no hugs, no touching, no compliments, nothing!
I stay with my husband because we made the vow to be together “in sickness and in health”, we have two young children, he is a good provider, and when he is not having an “angry moment” he is a good man and because I feel so incredibly guilty that all this has happened to him.

But, inside, I feel exactly as so many of you have described — ugly, unwanted, unacknowledged, desperate, like a sex-addicted prowling scavenger. No one knows about our little marriage secret; not family, not friends. I have never spoken to anyone about my feelings, and I am just ready to burst from the inside out!

I am so afraid that one day I won’t be able to control the desire anymore. I find myself completely obsessing over what it would be like to have a man hold my hand, tell me I’m beautiful, whisper in my ear, touch me, kiss me, hold me, make love to me and hold me again. It is absolute torture!

I LOVE men! – their voice, their bodies, their chests, the way they move, the way they look at a woman when they love her, desire her, the way they smell (with and without cologne!) Sometimes when I am running errands or at a store and a man gets close to me, I have to control myself not to just lose control right then and there.

I stay-at-home full-time now with our children, but I had a part-time job for a little while, and that made me realize how much I am suffering. I would see some of the men “check-me-out” at my work, and that just made me feel even guiltier because my husband has absolutely no interest in me. I had such a thing for my boss and it took A LOT of self control for me to always keep things on a professional level. And “no” nothing ever happend with him. I’ve never had an affair with any other man. I’ve been able to maintain control for three years now, and I am suffering. How am I going to go on for another year? three years? five years? ten years!?!?!?

Sorry to be so long winded. I am just relieved to find others who are going through similar circumstances, and hope that we can all endure this torturous existence.

I’ve prayed to God for answers, but so far, not a word in response.

September 21, 2008 at 11:05 pm

I felt such a relieve to see men and women going through the same situation as me! I thought I was a sex freak, a dirty whorish wife; that it was not normal for women to have such strong desires for their husbands and not get a reaction from them. I come from a culture in which the belief is that all a women has to do is hint at her man the desire to have sex and he would just jump to the opportunity! how wrong I was! I learned that with my husband.

we have been married for 5 years. i am 25 he is 31. In the beginning the relationship was filled with passionate kisses lots of hugs and romance lots of foreplay. within the first year of marriage sex went from once a week to once a month and the passionate kisses disappeared so did the complements. My husband is a gentle and very kind man but I feel he tricked me by showing all this affection and passionate kissing before marriage but as soon as the ring was on my finger he decided he did not like that sort of kissing meanwhile he had no problem while dating.

I love my husband with all my heart and do not want anyone else but the feelings that come over me every time I dress up for him and he turns me down are overwhelming, i believe in faithfulness and i trust that things will improve but at the same time im scared that it will not change but get worse and i will begin to resent my husband deeply. we are now trying to get pregnant for 6 months now with no luck primarily i believe because of the lack of sex (once a month). but i also sometimes think is gods way of telling me get out now while u can. but the truth is i love him and i want him in my life always and in my heart i know he does love me too he tells me everyday and he tries to make me happy in any other way. I almost left him last month after one of the many conversations about our sex life. He told me he could not be without me, he loved me so much and that i am the only woman he wants and the only he wants children with. and I know is the truth but when I am so frustrated I tend to put all the good aside and focus on the negative aspects of our marriage, that is the lack of sex really, everything else is ok in my book. I just need him to kiss me like he used to, make love to me like he used to; and it hurts so bad to see that something that should come so natural when two people love each other is so hard to be done even when you see how not having it, is hurting the person you love.

for those with more experience i ask you that you give me some advice in the matter.

September 25, 2008 at 12:46 am

Unsure of why my marriage has turned into a “sexless marriage” I decided to google it and found this site. It is unreal just how many men and women are living my nightmare.
I never thought words could really explain how I feel inside when rejected over and over by my husband of just over a year but when reading this board I see my feelings of hurt, being unloved, dirty, and rejection over and over by so many people on here. To know there are so many out there like me makes me feel relief and also sadden me that so many people feel the hurt I feel.
How many times have I thought of cheating just to feel the touch of another man, to feel wanted, and connected. This is something my husband can’t or won’t understand. I, like so many out there need that intimacy to feel connected and committed to this marriage but he just don’t get it, or maybe he doesn’t care. So I fight with my inner self of do I stay or do I go? I am so tossed with it at this point.
I feel I am a young 46 and in my prime. I have always had a high sex drive and still do and when we first got together he did too. I think about it over and over, is it me? Is he in this marriage for convenience? If he is is it justifiable to have a “no strings attached” sexual relationship with someone? I feel like I am living with a roommate, as I have called him so many times. He knows how I feel about this but does nothing to change the situation.
Now things have got more complicated with a old school friend contacting me and telling me he was so happy to find me and I was his dream girl in high school. He’s in Iraq right now so any physical contact won’t happen but it is so easy to fall for someone who is there to “listen” when your in this kind of marriage (he thinks I am happily married and at this point I will continue to have him thinking that)
Do I love my husband, yes, am I “in love” with my husband, I don’t think so. It’s very easy to fall in love with him again as this has happened in the past, but do I want to continue to live like this? And how do I live like this?
We went to counseling which lasted 3 sessions. We had sex after about 4 months of not having sex, then I guess I thought we’ll get back on track, and with him drilling this in my head that things would be better we stopped going. There’s no reason to go again. If I go I’ll go alone so I can figure out if this is what I really want, a husband as a roommate.

September 25, 2008 at 8:07 pm

I honestly cannot believe how many women are writing that their husbands don’t want or crave sex with them. I am turning 34 at the end of the month, and my husband who just turned 35 does not want to touch me, kiss me, hold me, cuddle on the couch with me …..nothing. I am a gorgeous girl (okay, I have a mommy tummy that I can’t get rid of, but the rest of me is pretty cute). I absolutely ADORE my husband. He is gorgeous and fun, but he has shut himself off completely where anything physical is concerned, whether it be sex, or just hugs, kisses on his neck…..he hates it all. He says he loves me, and that it would be the same with any other woman. He says I put way too much stock in sex. I am like so many others that posted on this site, I know sex is not everything, but I try to explain to him, that I need it to be an aspect of our relationship. How can we feel totally close and connected without sharing ourselves physically? We had our second marriage counselling session today, and he absolutely broke my heart when he said he wishes we didn’t have to kiss, or touch, or have sex, that it makes him very uncomfortable. I too have asked my husband several times if he is gay, or in love with someone else, because before I read these posts, I honestly had never heard of a man feeling this way…women , yes, all the time…..but a MAN??!! It’s like insult to injury when I hear all my friends telling me how their husbands won’t leave them alone and are always after them. Honestly, how do you choose between giving your small kids a mom and dad that live together, and having your own need for love fulfilled? Like I said to the counsellor, it’s so not about the sex really, it’s about feeling like I’m not wanted by the one person I want to want me…….Hang in there guys…

September 28, 2008 at 9:47 am

After reading all these posts I feel for my husband. I’m the one who is usually saying no to sex. We have sex about once a month, mostly when I feel guilty becuase it’s been so long. We use to have sex alot when were dating. Funny thing is at that time I was the one always wanting to have more. However my husband hadn’t been with many women and so I never really talked about how not so great the sex was before we were married because I never thought sex was the most important. I fell in love with my husband for his honesty, loyalty, and for once a nice guy in my life. I’m mean I’d been in plenty of relationships before him where it was only the sex that kept it going. Now I don’t even want to french kiss my husband, it just doesn’t turn me on anymore. I’m hoping we can see a counselor and get our sex life worked out. I know it’s all me but how do I turn on sexual attaction when I’m afraid it’s gone. I love my husband and I don’t want to lose him but I wonder if it’s fair to him. I miss the days when we were dating and I actually felt like a woman who was desired — not just for a quicky but to adore my body. Well I’m sure this sound terrible but how do you find a balance.. I’d like to make this work.

September 30, 2008 at 12:48 pm

I never knew that sex would take such a drastic turn in my marriage. I have been married for 7 years and dated for 5 years prior to the marriage. He is a younger man by 6 years, handsome, funny, loves to laugh, and a great lover. I loved having sex with him. The last 3 years have been a hit and miss experience of good sex, a “little” sex, and absolutely “no” sex these days. My husband and I were both in recovery when we met. Unfortunately, he has had a couple of relapses in the past 2 years. I relapsed after 7 years (before we married)and have nearly 7 years again. Since his relapses (and treatment)our intimate life is so empty. I realize the physical toll caused by alcohol and drugs, not to mention the drop in self esteem for relapsing. I have patiently stood by and have expressed my desire for sex and laughing and fun and he says, it will happen again…..but he does nothing to facilitate this change. He told me tonight that he figures that his age is affecting things (56) and he needs to increase exercise to get the veins pumping blood better. My heart sank AGAIN. It’s clear that this is not a priority with him and my heart is slowly, but surely, drifting apart from him. I feel so isolated and resentful at the same time. I feel embarrassed to ask for sex because he gets upset. He says it bothers him that he has no desire or erection, but continues to “promise to check it out”. Am I being stupid to wait? Unreasonable? Impatient? I can tell this is really affecting my health and mental health. I think incessantly about leaving him and imagine how my life would be without him here. I actually have thought of ideas to help me through the “sad” times of missing him,and also realizing my self esteem would bloom again…my energy levels would come back and at least I wouldn’t be feeling sorry for myself because I stuck in a sexless marriage. This gets really depressing for me.

October 9, 2008 at 4:20 am

Good to be reminded that there are others in the same boat. I guess my situation isn’t too bad as my wife and I are still intimate a few times every 6-7 months and in between I’m made to feel dirty for asking or complaining about our lack of intimacy.

I would settle for once a month but every 6 months is making it seem like sex/love making is like some special present and I’m REALLY beginning to resent that.

I know with young kids it’s never easy but come on,we do at least have a few days in every month where we can set aside time for intimacy. But my wife really doesn’t seem that interested.When we are intimate she always says see enjoys it and would like to do it more often but then she never follows through on that. When i look dissapointed that she has her period (to me it seems like every 3rd week)on the weekend the kids are at their grandparents, she makes some acidic remark like, ” Oh so sorry to have ruined your dream” Just for looking, not even verbally expressing my disappointment.She says, “were you planning on something” she knows exactly what i was hoping for and then she says something that makes me feel dirty for even hoping that we could spend what little free time we have to be intimate.
I try to do all the right things as a husband: i always give her a lot of emotional support, i listen to her problems, i help her as much as i can etc.

I’ll be 40 next year and I’m seriously thinking of opting for a trial separation, (which incidentally she suggested 2 years ago when we were going through a rough patch) where i live in the same town as my family and try going out on dates with my wife to see if that rekindles any intimacy although I’m aware that this is a drastic step.
But hey, I don’t want to cheat on my wife.I’m only human. I know that she is insecure about her appearance ie. having put on a little weight since having children and she always says she wants to get back into shape etc. and i always reassure her that i still find her attractive and she’s the only one etc.
Hopefully if i encourage without hurting her feelings to lose weight she’ll begin to feel more energetic and good about herself. But I’ve been there before and then she stops exercising for some reason or another.

All i know is, if the situation doesn’t improve in a year’s time then I’m going for the trial separation – at least that way if she doesn’t mind then i know where i stand with her.

October 12, 2008 at 3:35 pm

Though I may not be married The man I have been with for over 8 years will noy have sex no matter how hard I try. At the beginning he was very passionate almost hardcore and this ould last for days then nothing for long times now he has not be sexually active for years it hurts very much and I do not now how to hang I love him very much and we have been friends for 20 years. There is an 11 year age difference between us. I do not think he works properly but I know he could do it if he really wanted to. It only takes a few minutes right?? I feel he would not mind if I went for service elsewhere as long as I came back to him this is something I can not do. I really want to be inlove with someone again who has passion on their priorty list but also am scared to lose him as I feel secure with him but also very deprieved. It is really amazing how many others appear to be in the same situation.

Love does make the world go Round and someday it will happen for all

October 12, 2008 at 3:40 pm

What sad reading this all makes. Im 40 and not had sex with my wife for over 5 years. Been together 11 years. I love my wife very much. I got married 3 years ago and tried to have sex with my wife many times since then but all i got was tears and blank answers as to why there is no interest from her. Cutting a very long story short i made the decision early this year not to bother her about it ever again.Mainly because of the tears from her and frustration on my side.I have a high sex drive which is a curse. I have even considered going to the Docs for some tablets to lower my sex drive. I sometimes wish i was gay, at least i could go to a public toilet for relief. But im straight. Im not going to have an affair of prostitutes. I just got have to go to my grave without having sex again.-What a thought. I get annoyed with her in the house, because i want her out for a few hours so i can sort myself out. No wonder people end up with fetishes, when you have to relive your self under stressful conditions! Its all a bit crap really:(

October 13, 2008 at 12:04 am

i thought i was alone in this. I am married to a foreigner and we are not together yet because of visa problems, its been one year now and he did not come back yet to see me or my kids. I am 20 years younger than him, i have a strong sexual desires and its driving me crazy to not have it for one year. he said he could not come because of money problems,and its true ,our marriage has gone so bad because of this, but i hang on to it because i am strongly cultured and raised as catholic, but there are just times that id go crazy and wanting it,but i can not just go find other man and do it, ive never cheated in my past relationship but my husband sounds like he would not care at all.he said he loves me and its over for us if i cheat ,but then will tell me again later on he dont care what i will do or he wont hate me if i find someone who has money,since he cares for me?I do not get it, does he wants me?or does he sounds like he is leaving me pretty soon? We have a one year old baby and all of this is hurting me to my soul, because i love him and want this marriage to work so bad, but i am not sure where i stand now..

October 19, 2008 at 8:20 am

I, too, experience the frustration attributed to a partner with no interest in sex. She loves my companionship….period. We must all ask ourselves if this is the type of marriage/relationship we want for the rest of our lives. Is it? If the answer is no, we must do ourselves and our partners a favor my ending things respectfully. This, of course, should only come after an honest conversation with your partner. Tell them your feelings and desires. Tell them you don’t think you can carry on with this arrangement much longer. Maybe a counselor will offer some assistance with the problem. We owe it to ourselves to be happy. For some of us a healthy relationship can supplement our level of happiness. We must love ourselves enough to meet our own needs in life. I wish everyone here the best of luck. I will now take my own advice.

October 26, 2008 at 8:21 pm

I have been married for 3 yrs now. I am in my 30’s and she is in her late 20’s. I have high sex drive , we use to have sex a lot but now I get turned down too much that I have stopped asking for it. For over a year now sex has been forgotten. We have talked about it several times but to no avail. I have cheated on my wife since then. There is no romance any more. I have decided to move to a different room and I am currently looking at divorce as an option. I have a 2 yr old and I. Have tried and still trying hard to make things work . I have given up on sex with her and have been seeing several women. I have 2 options stay in marriage till my son turns 18 yo and keep sleeping with other women or get a divorce any time soon

October 26, 2008 at 8:24 pm

October 28, 2008 at 10:56 pm

I feel so much better after reading these. I’ve been dating her for 4 years, she wants to get married but I keep putting off asking her because i know the lack of sex is a huge issue, it will just decrease after marriage. I love her so much, I would be the happiest man on earth if our sex life was good, I would marry her in a heartbeat. I just can’t do it. I’m gonna breakup with her and it’s gonna kill me, but I really don’t see any other option. I’ve been bringing this topic up for the past 2 years and nothing has changed and she has done absolutely nothing to make it better. What kills me is that she doesn’t even try, though she always says she will.

question: for anyone who has split, do you regret it? how long before you got over it? Would you do it again?

October 30, 2008 at 4:26 pm

Wow…

I’m generally in the same boat. My wife is a few years older than me (I’m 31) & the last few years sex has been a chore for her. We’ve been married now for over 10 years. She’ll “try” every few months (3-6) but what really does it for me is to see/feel/hear the enjoyment of my partner, so when she’s just “letting me do my thing” it’s about the worst sex possible. (well, I guess the ol’ “Prison Sex” is worse. lol)

Part of her lowered sex drive is a “natural” hormone imbalance and part is due to side effects for a small amount an anti-depressant she takes (NEEDED!!).

I’m such a frustrated mess… every woman I see I picture how they may be for a “no-strings” arrangement. I know lots of guys have those arrangements, some that I work with, etc.

I think the part that really irritates me is that she will not look into ANYTHING that might help the situation. She doesn’t want to try a different position, or a more romantic setting or consoling or reading on her own,… no internet searches,… nothing.

She says she feels bad for me but I don’t see action so it’s hard to believe. I find so much of what I did around the house etc is for her to be proud of me, to like me, to want me, etc. When I know there’s no chance of sex ever, what’s the point? I don’t usually care if she even likes me much. Especially when I’m feeling resentful.

When female friends flirt or ex’s still show interest it’s soooooo hard to stay away. And at home my wife thinks it’s not that big of a deal. If she did she’d spend more time & energy trying to fix it!

I know I CANNOT keep this up forever. It’s destroy my life if I’m not faithful to her… it’s “who I am”. Even if she never knew… I wouldn’t be able to live with me.

November 6, 2008 at 8:11 pm

“Where do we go from here?”
Do we just walk away or do we keep on trying?
Honestly, I don’t think that this condition is repairable. Romantic interludes, flowers, jewelry etc… Are quick fixes that may or may not get you a guilt lay. I got married at 19 and my wife was 23. We have been married for 20 yearsand have two wonderful kids. One in college and one in HS. Like a lot of you after the first child sex started to dwindle. After the second child, which was conceived directly after I came back from a 10-month deployment in the USMC. Very little sex after that time and until now. Weekly/Bi weekly sex for the last 18 years. No sex (once)for the last 14 months and counting. What has changed? Only her finally deciding to stop acting like she wanted to have it in the first place. I actually respect her for that. But I have no desire to have sex with someone that doesn’t want to have sex with me. I don’t want obligation sex anyway. The solution for me is simple. Move on. I don’t have another 20 years to waste being unfulfilled and passionless. the things (finances, cars, gadgets, security etc..) don’t add up to being unhappy for twenty MORE years. Right before we stopped having sex 14 months ago I asked to start over and have a new relationship. She said that she didn’t feel that way about me and hasn’t for quite a while and would get back to me on a renewing of a realtionship. I am still waiting for an answer. I can’t stay in this for her happiness and the kids state of mind and sacrifice my happiness for another twenty years. I have 10 months on our rental lease.
I will not renew and I will find my own place to live. If I have to take one or both of the kids I will. Coincidentally, I met someone 1 month after she told me those things and we have been great freiends ever since, even intimate. This may be wrong but how much can a person take. I may be in the end of a sexless marriage but I am not living sexless.
It is what it is. I now know it wasn’t me. I can give and receive passion and there is someone that wants me sexually and emotionally. 10 months and counting.

November 7, 2008 at 7:48 pm

I’m also in a sexless marriage. My husband and I have had no sex for a little over two years, and since then, the kissing and hugging stopped too – but that was my choice.

My husband is the kindest, most gentle man I’ve ever known, and we’ve been married for 18 years and have four amazing children. But, his passive personality also means that he’s not sexually aggressive. When we were dating in college, I was very sexually aggressive until I became a Christian. Then, together we decided that we wanted to behave until we got married, and, in all honesty, that was pretty much our doom. There was very little passion after that. I don’t even know if we’ve had sex 50 times during our entire marriage.

When we first got married, I would come out in the nude and lay under a blanket to watch TV. He asked me to stop – said it made nudity not as special. Then I tried to schedule sex. This lasted two weeks, and he decided it was too forced. Fast forward years later, and I asked him to share his fantasies with me. He declined.

Over the years we’ve talked about our problems, and always said that we’d work on them. When I turned 40, through a series of triggers, I began a mid-life crisis, and for the first time in 18 years I began to think about a divorce – and that this was not the way I wanted to continue my life. I began to discuss separation with my husband, and he’s fought it – wanting us to get help.

The wall is just too high.

At the end of June, I began an online affair with a man who lives on another continent. We’re supposed to spend a couple of weeks together next month – and my husband knows about him.

Now I’m torn. Part of me thinks I can stay married for my children and that it’s very selfish of me to get divorced just because of sex. (And in the Christian community, I’m an adultress whether I have an affair within marriage or get a divorce and have sex outside of marriage.) But on the other hand, I don’t want to live this way for the rest of my life – with a roommate.

I’m worried that I’m just having a ‘grass is greenier’ moment, and that I’ll regret going to see this other man. Eight days of passion and a possible relationship verses the years that my children will have to live with the results of my choices.

November 8, 2008 at 2:25 pm

I’m curious what others have done to cope with their situation. Like so many, who have posted before me, I’m in a sexless marriage. We have one 13 year old child. Her conception was a choice immediately after marriage 14 years ago. We had sex maybe 10 or 15 times in those first couple of weeks of marriage. We have NOT had sex since. My wife changed once she became pregnant and has turned perpetually angry. Constantly finding fault in everyone around her. She told me she never wants to have sex with me again. …and after 14 years, she has been true to her word. At first I resented her deeply for it. It seemed like such a betraial. After a few weeks, I rationalized that I was being selfish to feel that way. Having grown up in a home of all sisters, I was gleaned that concept through their discussions I overheard with our mother; that it is women who control sex in a relationship. That is, if a woman says NO, that means NO. End of discussion. To argue, or beg puts on pressure, akin to rape. I realized how distructive my resentment towards my wife was, and how that would jepordize the domestic tranquility in which I hoped to raise our child, so I turned my resentment inward. Inward toward my own sexuality. Every time I started desiring sex or thought about sex, I would RESENT that in myself. Told myself how pathetic and weak that was of me. Told myself to buck up, detach, get over it. Absolutely NO sexual interest was tolerated. Eventually, after a couple years of that struggle, it worked. I had turned it off. That part of me is dead. I find it both remarkible of an accomplishment yet disturbing that I could pull it off. I’m here wondering what others have done to cope. We’re still married. Roommates who happen to share the same bed. No physical contact. No emotional intimacy. No love. Just domestic cooperation. Would I leave? At this point, why bother. It’s financially advantagious to stay and I don’t believe I’m able to form an attachment to anyone else since the part of me that could care or need to be cared for died so long ago. So, I’m liberated, yes; but not less a freak because of it, and I’m reminded of that in the oversexed tv, advertising, movies, etc.

November 8, 2008 at 5:40 pm

I don’t think it’s just the women in your home who send that message…it’s our society as a whole.

And I could be wrong, but I don’t know that that part of you has been cut off forever. Maybe just with your wife? But, if you’re content in your situation, and it works for you, then who’s to say it’s bad or wrong?

My dilemma is that I’m not content. I want sex – just no longer with my husband.

November 14, 2008 at 3:42 am

I was on here before and i have just had my wife confirm what i have suspected for a number of years now ie. that she is no longer interested in sex – she actually said that 2 years ago but i though that was just due to stress from various sources and our arguing.
At the same time 2 years ago she basically told me i had her permission to go and seek sexual gratification with other women and/or eventually find another woman as she believes she is not the woman for me. Why she couldn’t have said this before we had children i can only guess. But now I’m left angry that she allowed me to go on believing that one day our sex life would/could improve. Now I’m left with the decision of whether to take follow through with her suggestion to start seeing other women or still try and work on our intimacy. My gut instinct and my experience with my wife tells me i should perhaps seriously consider what she said. The problem is young children are involved and it tears me apart to be away from them. I can only imagine a situation where i live in the same town as my kids so i can still see them on a regular basis and help bring them up. But it still isn’t the same.
I guess I’ll have to get used to seeing my kids less when they eventually leave home to go to college/university but that’s another 10 and 15 years respectively.
I guess i can stick it out for another few years with my wife but at the same time i don’t want to continue letting the years pass by with someone whom i now know for sure is no longer interested in sex and /or me sexually. We had sex the other day and she said a few days afterwards she gave in to my advances because she pitied me for trying so hard. I felt like a dog being rewarded for sth.
I guess looking back almost everything was ok -very good (at times)between us except our sex life. I hate the way she always puts that down to the fact that she thinks from the moment we met i never really loved her. She says this because she feels I have never (when we have had sex- during the act)been emotionally connected to her, which is really confusing and hurtful for me. She always says to me she enjoys sex or enjoyed it but then she behaves in a contradictory manner afterwards. I think perhaps i should start to let go and focus my positive energies on looking after my kids and greatly widening my social circle. I already do a lot of exercise so that is another avenue of release for my negative energy/thoughts resulting from my situation.I’ve actually lost weight over the last few years (because i wanted to)and am back to the same weight i was at when i got married 12 years ago. My wife on the other hand is 10kg heavier than when we got married and i know this is partly what contributes to her lack of interest in sex. Sad becuase up to the point when we got married she was an exercise addict and she was in GREAT shape. I have told her many many times that i still find her attractive but this doesn’t have a long lasting effect. Can you believe she actually has the nerve to walk around the house stark naked at bath/shower time almost every day but then basically tells me F***+ @! Don’t even think about being sexually active with me. Oh and don’t you dare masturbate, don’t look or think about other women- with or without clothes. Oh no, beacuse if you do that then you’re a sick pervert.

I’m getting tired (40 next year)of being in a relationship where I’m ALWAYS the one to blame for the other person’s disappointments.I refuse to believe that I have been the sole source of my wife’s disappointments.Time to go now and start focusing my energies on more positive things.

November 15, 2008 at 9:50 am

Torn has made the ultimate sacrifice which is OK as long as it makes you happy, or gives you the feeling of fulfillment and the fact that you are actually being loved. But are you truly……I don’t think so. You both of you coexist for the sole purpose of raising your children. One thing children are very keen on from the day they are born, and that is sensing love. If you and your wife are truly happy then you can pull it off. If not…..you may have very well added to the next generation of dysfunctional children. But this is just my opinion.

I always like to stress, “what if the shoe were on the other foot” so to speak. What do you think would happen? Is it just your children that holds your wife to you? After all…..it’s what has really been holding you to your wife at least until the switch turned it all off. And yes, for a great lot of people there is a switch that does that. The grass is as green as you want to make it.

The Eagles mates for life as do some other earthly creatures. Humans were deemed to hold that very same characteristic but it’s not true. That has always been a forced characteristic.

My last post was on November 5 of this year – 10 days ago. Today I left my wife for good so that I may enjoy the rest of my life and to find someone that I can enjoy that remainder with. The search begins and already……..”I feel ever so much happier”. Even if I find no one, it is still better than living in a loveless, sexless relationship. For I am a man that needs to give intimate passion and to receive the same. I will just be happier seeking the world for it.

November 18, 2008 at 11:20 am

I have been married for 36 years. My husband and I have sex at least once a week. This morning I caught him masterbating in the bathroom. That really hurt me. I am 54 and he is 56. How could I do this to him. I am not trying hard and he needs me so I need to give him more.

November 18, 2008 at 7:51 pm

Help, I have been married for 23 yrs now with
almost no sex in the last 5 years. im 52 and my husband is 49. He won’t go get help for his low sex drive and refuses to talk about it. It has put a huge void in our marriage and he is now sleeping alone in the guest bedroom and happy about the new sleeping arrangements. I feel let down that he is not even willing to work on this issue..but here’s the thing, he is perfectly happy to turn to internet porn for self gratification!!! RU kidding me! This feels like a marriage headed for divorce..am I stupid for staying?? I did not emvision this
this for our golden years. What to do???

November 20, 2008 at 11:20 am

I couldn’t resist:

Mary….If hubby i seeking the internet and getting his rocks off (so to speak) off the internet then there really can’t be a whole lot wrong with his sex drive. He knows what he likes, he’s just not willing to tell you.

Force the issue. If YOU still are not getting any gratification yourself then YOU will need to decide whether or not you want to be happy for the next 20 years or continue to feel unwanted and unhappy. The sex you can probably live without and find your own means of gratification (and probably feel better for it), the intimacy you most likely can not.

If he’s not willing to seek help and to understand how you feel about the situation then you’re living with a dead horse.

Get Out! Be Happy! You only live ONCE. Who knows, you may come back as a man in your next life….then what

Cheating on your man is not an option, this only leads to ultimate destruction for both of you. Cut the Internet cable and you marriage. Go out and be happy because believe me, things will only get worse.

November 20, 2008 at 6:57 pm

Humanity- Thanks for the input, our sex life is practically non-exsistant and I have tried everything I know to spice it up. I have male friends that are single and have offered their services I really LOVE my husband and he is a good man in every other way..but this internet
porn is not even a issue to me IF our sex life
was on the same page. It really hurts me knowing he is having sex by himself and nothing for US. I cannot live like this and Im going to try and let him know Im drifting away…I think an affair is tacky snd not an option..I think after 24 yrs together we should respect that alone. I hate giving an ultimatum..but I figure it’s worth a try..I don’t want to ahve regrets if we parted ways.
I DO know that if my spouse came to me and his needs were not being met and the other spose was thinking of moving on… It would be a wake up call. Life is to short to settle
for less. Wish me luck!!

November 28, 2008 at 5:23 pm

If there are all these men out there who do not want sex, how does someone find/meet some of them?
There are people who can’t have sex due to physical problems, and it is good to know there are men who would be happy with a wife who can’t have sex.
Are there any websites to meet people who don’t want or can’t have sex, but want companionship and affection?

November 30, 2008 at 3:28 am

The prostitute is the only honest woman.
She delivers the service / goods, accepts payment and goes on her eway.
A married woman enters a contract, accepts all the benifits then reneges on her contract.

December 5, 2008 at 8:35 pm

I feel better after reading these comments.Thanks to all to share their experiences.It is impossible to fight with our feeling and desires for ever ,at least I have found it impossible for long time.Night is a nightmare for me to get morning when i am full of energy and my husband is sleeping after a long time watching TV.The only thing i should say is it is not life ,it is just walking through the time to kill it.

December 16, 2008 at 7:07 am

I can’t believe how many of these comments hit home for me. I am a 37 year old man who has been married a little over 15 years. Sex in the marriage was there and was fine for the first few years, but then it just dried up like it was never even there. I now haven’t had sex with my wife in over ten years. We bought a home 8 years ago that we have never ONCE had sex in.

In those 10+ years, I’ve tried every way I know how to “bring her around” and get her interested to no avail. We’ve tried romantic getaways, new things, toys, none of it seemed to help. The pain of rejection got unbearable to the point where I “met someone” last year. I refused to let the relationship get sexual because I was still crazy in love with my wife and still held out hope that it could be saved. So I came home and insisted that we go through marriage counseling together. Even that didn’t help.

It’s all pretty much over now. About two months ago I met someone else and this time I didn’t resist the temptation. I’m now in a sexual and emotional relationship outside of my marriage and have separated from my wife. My wife has not let me forget that I’m the one that “strayed” – seemingly having no concept that she ABANDONED me and, as far as I’m concerned, shirked her marital commitment some ten years ago.

You’re right, though – the pain of rejection is the worst pain imaginable. What did I do wrong? And she won’t tell me – it’s always “I don’t know”. I could almost forgive her if she could put her finger on something tangible – i.e. “You know, I lost interest in you when you went bald” or “I just haven’t felt it since you got that extra 20 pounds over your 30’s” or whatever. At least then I’d have an explanation. It’s the not knowing, and not caring on her part that are killing me.

Oh well, like I said, it’s all over now. We are now on an irreversible path toward divorce – and despite being involved in a newly blossoming relationship, it still rips my heart out every hour of every day.

December 21, 2008 at 10:08 pm

I’m surprised by the number of entries by women.
I’ve never visited or written on a site like this before, but I feel like I’m at the end of a long journey, unable to know where to turn next.
My husband of 25 years, has always had reasons for us needing to postpone or wait for infrequent sexual intimacy:
6 kids, can’t concentrate… became 6 teenagers, they might hear… then no kids at home…oh! Has it been 3 months without sex?
I have always worked full time, been very supportive and carefully negotiated earning more than him.
Encouraged his hobbies, shown interest in outside activities he liked ,tried to be creative or assertive, and then tried being passive and patient.
I’ve cried, been logical, asked questions, done the reading and
Now I’m just angry.
Some of the children are home for the holidays.
After they leave I’ve decided on separate bedrooms,lying next to someone every night who treats you like a sister is painful
I don’t understand, when we do have sex, it was fantastic, but it never left him wanting more.
It was like, okay that was great, thanks, let me get back to you.
The worst part is all our women friends think I have it made. He is demonstrative (in public) attentive (in public) flirtatious (in public), but at home it’s like a monastary, and worse every year.
I am developing outside habits, he says he doesn’t want a divorce, feels bad for me and the situation, but he just doesn’t need it or want it. he even acknowledges being evasive all these years to avoid me realizing the extent of his asexuality.
he agreed to see a counselor last spring, never went.
Has his second appointment with someone tomorrow…I just don’t think I care anymore.
I feel that abandoned and rejected.
but I’m a 52 year old mother of six, grandmother… no prospects, so I’m stuck.
I feel so cheated.

December 25, 2008 at 2:02 am

I’ve been married for 16 years and today (Christmas)

The reason I answered to this thread is the powerful theme of the lack of sex. For the better part of our marriage, there has been virtually none to little of it. Over the years, I’ve developed a resentment towards her for this and I has manifested in various ways. Most obvious, my infidelity. The older I’ve gotten, the weaker I feel I’ve been able to fend of advances from women. I’ve learned to have fun with flirting, and for the most part, been satisfied with the potential knowlege that I could have the women that I sometimes meet. I understand that this is shallow and self serving behavior, but the attraction unsettles and wakes up something inside me.

Another point to this is my wife inability to satisfy me sexually, in the few moments in time she feels aroused. If we do engage in sex, she motionless and really only involved in getting herself off. She can always get off, and usually wants to stop when she’s done. I tend to feel thirsty and empty and usually a little sad. I need sex and I feel I deserve to communicate love in this way. My wife tells me none of her friends have sex with their husbands either, so I should just get over it.

I love my wife very much, and I cannot see how I’ll get back on my feet in the later confidence that I carried. This, I’m guessing, everyone is or has gone through. I betrayed our vows and she is absolutely resolved that she needs to move on. She is a fair thinker and commits that she wont abandon me. I give her the cred’ she deserves because all in all, shes been a good wife and an even better mother.

So many thought of how what I should do now like making choices whether to live in continuing punishing myself for my infidelity, try to live a pious and low key life, or flip it by examining why this has happened. A I am fundamentally alone and scared, I’m not seeing clearly of any other roads availible. Nearly all of my friends were hers, and as far as I know, they councelled her in making this decision. That writes them off for me.

It’s important for me to know ifanyone survived marriages under these conditions, though I’m sure its so. Any happy endings out there?

December 26, 2008 at 11:21 am

I am evaluating whether to stay married; a concept which is challenged by the fact that as a friend I like my husband, as a spouse I love him. But as a partner I am resenting him more and more.
Since when is denying your spouse conjugal fulfillment okay! Since when is it all right to make a decision that impacts another person and then emotionally bludgeon them by saying married for life, you have no right no option, just deal with it.
If I choose to leave it will be because the option of never having a sex life, or only having a fantasy one is unacceptable!

December 28, 2008 at 11:06 am

How do we cope with a sexless marriage? Can ever achieve a satisfying sex life with our spouse?
I am a 47 year old teacher married for 23 years, father of three children. up until our third child, my and I had a satisfying sexual relationship 2-3 times /week, eventhough my sex drive was much stronger. We were close. However, this suddenly changed when my wife returned to work fulltime about 9 years ago.
The busyness and stress of both work and family caused a sharp decrease in sex. My reasonable loving sexual initiatives were often rejected, or were fullfilled only out of duty or obligation. Enter phase 1.
Phase 1: rejection –> hurt. Now what?
I had a few choices: I could wallow in hurt,
communicate with my wife, or try to romance my wife. I did all three. Wallowing in hurt did not help. Romancing my wife (emotional investment on my part) raised the expectations for intimacy (which did not occur) caused even more hurt. Communicating
in a reasonable and honest matter offered the most hope because now my wife knew that I had a problem. My problem was: I loved my wife, absolutely needed sexual intimacy, and needed her to show her love for me. However, for whatever reason,there was no change in her behaviour over the next year or two: excuses or this reluctant sense of duty. Enter phase 2.
Phase 2: resentment and bitterness. Now what?
I had a few choices: I could stop initiating sex,I could take matters into my own hands regarding sexual fulfillment, I could try to play superman (romancer, excellent father, do all the domestic chores, etc.), or communicate with my wife. I did all of these.
I completely stopped iniating sex with my wife because I wasn’t going to beg. She knew of my needs. However, this decision backfired in a big way because she didn’t seem to care at all. I, on the other hand,sufferd miserably and my frustration and anger grew.
In anger and frustration, I took matters into my own hands, and went completely against my own morals and values which included masturbating in front of porn images late at night. This of course, leads to a complexity of issues: guilt, shame, negative self concept, increased blame on spouse, increased resentment, emotional distancing,etc. so this decision didn’t help either. I tried to be superman but that too, only raised the hope and expectations for intimacy (which includes sexual intimacy), which left unfulfilled caused more hurt, resentment, and bitterness. Communication offered the most hope. Once again, I humbled myself, and told her of my neeed for intimacy which she interpreted as ‘pressure’. Result: my own personal guilt and no change in her behaviour so this decision didn’t help either.
At this point, the issue has become very complex for me with no easy solutions. My wife will continue to behave as she has but there are consequences she must also unwittingly cope with: an emotionally distant, depresssed husband (PS People describe me as a passionate and positive person but this is not the way I feel inside at home). Why the depression? a complexity of reasons: My self concept has clearly changed
( Am I a sex addict? Why is my sexual neeed so strong? And why doesn’t my very wife accept, understand, and love me? Why doesn’t she appreciate or respect these strong needs? Why do I feel so down about this?)
For the last six years, my wife and I have sex 2-3 times a year, usually she initiates the first one, I initiate the second and third one. I’m rejected on the third try.
I masturbate daily usually at night, sometimes twice a day. I look at other women, but never touch another woman. My relationship with my wife is not close eventhough it’s comfortable. I am still bitter and I am not hopeful because it’s been too many years. I feel like an old man that’s been robbed of the greatest pleasure God has ever given a husband and his wife.

December 29, 2008 at 7:48 am

Sex in a marriage can work both ways, and I find it understandable that some people decide NOT to have sex. But I also think these marriages are doomed not to last.
I’m now married for the 2nd time.
I love my husband and enjoy “showing” him how much by having sex with him as often as we both want.It’s an expression of our feelings for each other.
My first marriage was unhappy. I didn’t enjoy being touched by my husband because my feelings for him did not exist.
What I’m trying to say is that married couples who’ve decided to have sexless marriages, do not love each other. They may respect each other but that is as far as it goes.
The above letter by Anonymous really hit a cord!
Rob, you deserve a medal for patience and understanding! You bouth need urgent help or counselling. Don’t accept this kind of marriage.
No…You are not a sex addict…just a normal MAN!

January 1, 2009 at 11:26 pm

My husband and I have been together for 12 years. Married for just over 4. We’ve been fighting about sex for about 6 years. It wasn’t ever as frequent as I wanted it but compared to now it was amazing. Now I wish I would have trusted my instincts but I thought it would get better not worse.
I have felt the same way as everyone else. Unloved, unwanted, invisible, ugly and very very angry. In May I finally got up the courage to ask for a divorce. We haven’t been able to separate yet because of financial reasons and that is killing me. Living in limbo is even worse. I have started having an affair and like a previous poster, it did help my confidence and courage.
My husband is a great person and everything else in our marriage is great but I can not and will not let myself get sucked back in. I was so unhappy. I’m 36 and still hope to have a family since trying to get pregnant while not having sex is impossible.
It really does make you feel better to see you are not alone.

January 3, 2009 at 9:32 am

This is for Anonymous and for I’m leaving. Your stories resonate with me so profoundly. The part about how you try to accommodate and bend yourself emotionally to deal with being rejected sexually by your spouse, to allow you to survive a sexless marriage is exactly I how I feel.
After all the waiting for the 6 kids to leave and trying to comprehend all the different excuses given o pacify me; now hearing him in a counselors office admitting he had no intention of adjusting his sexual appetite now that stressors are less.
He was a little sarcastic, how could I have expected his appetite to change despite what he said, after all he has never had a high drive?
I like him as a friend, I respect him as a person; But I deserve a fully participating sexual partner.
I have raised 6 children with him, worked 60-70 hours a week to supplement his earnings, and been supportive to his many interests.
I have been left to feel like I’m a sex addict, but is reading about “normal sexual habits” that is far from true.
I am currently contemplating leaving

January 3, 2009 at 10:35 am

Again….I can’t resist and please keep in mind that the following comments to the specific individuals are of my own opinions only and that I mean no harm by them. I find this to be a strong topic worthy of opinion from all who care to participate. If we can’t learn from our spouses (life partners) then we need to learn from each other. After all, if you want to evolve, then get out and…..evolve.

To: Sleepless Nights;

I know exactly where you are coming from (or came from). I personally think you made the right choice for your life. It’s far too short to live miserably. There was obviously an issue to be dealt with but one half simply just didn’t care. I bet she does now though……too late.

I would say that the 10 years of gruelling punishment and insulting rejection you have had to deal with is payment in full (so to speak). Consider yourself lucky that you only wasted 10 years of yr life and not 20, 30, 40, or even maybe 50 years.

Partners need to realize that when one half has a concern……there is something to darn well be concerned about. The lack for one to initiate sexual intimacy can only be one of two things in my book:

1) A medical condition which should be taken care of…if he or she actually cares.
2) Your other half simply does not care for you anymore. Simple as that.

If the issue is indeed medical (which is not all that uncommon) and both partners have confronted the problem head on with undaunting force but nothing can be done about it, then my strong belief holds tight to the vows made during marriage….For Better Or Worse. I am a very strong believer of those four words but ONLY if my other half does as well.

You may hurt somewhat now….years of marriage is extremely hard to throw away when you deeply love someone but each of us needs to consider in situations such as this….who loves who.

Dare I say, sometimes a dog can make a far better companion. If this is where your mindset is standing right now people…it’s time to get out and enjoy the remainder of your life.

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To: waited for what;

You are obviously going to need to show your cards. In my opinion (and this is only my opinion) you need to hand out an ultimatum in order to get something seriously rolling here. It seems as though he simply doesn’t care about your concerns or, he doesn’t want understand them (in one ear – out the other).

For some reason, by reading your post, I get the feeling that what you are facing is medical. Something is not quite working properly and he needs help. If this is the case, I stand with my earlier comment to Sleepless Nights, “For Better Or Worse” but ONLY if he is trying to do something to remedy the situation. If not…get out and enjoy life, you earned it.

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To: Eastside;

How long are you going to beat yourself up for something you did years go? There was most likely a good reason for it.

An even better question is: How long will your wife let you beat yourself for it and know it?

You’ve paid the piper. It’s time you take a real hard look and see if our wife will ever forgive you and don’t tell me she has. If she did, she would prove it to you daily.

It’s now time to think…..”If the shoe was on the other foot how would you wear it?”. Is it similar?

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To: Besotted with humanity;

I must say I am flattered. I will however confess that I needed to look in the dictionary for the meaning of the word “Besotted”.

I read your post and it saddened me to see yet again what appears to be a typical scenario. My guess would be off hand that you decided to connect yourself with someone that just isn’t grown up enough to make it past the 7 year hump.

By separating you already know what’s ahead or at least you have a pretty darn good idea but your hanging on based solely on what I personally see is two things:

1) He claims he loves you (that actually means something if it’s true)

2) You have 4 little topics (all under the age of 10) to consider and it would be nice if that guy that seeded them with all that great sex was a constant part of their life but if only…..

Three years ago you had opened a specific dialog whereas an ultimatum was put forward. Three years ago!!! If there has been no squirming after 6 months then in my opinion there never will be. Three Years!!!

Couple questions for you to think about:

- Does he like to have Sex or at least did he when you were together and how often?
- Who else does he love (and I’m not talking about the children)?

Three years!!!

Time to put the kids to bed, have a nice hot cup of Earl Gray, light up a half dozen candles of scented vanilla, dim the lights real nice and low, and tune in that soft rock radio channel. And while you are sitting there in the dim light all nestled into the plush pillows on the sofa sipping on that nice hot cup of tea, you start wrapping your head around the concept of someone sitting there with you with his own cup of tea rubbing your feet and softly “discussing with you” the plans for the cabin that should be built at some mountain lake somewhere where the kids can have fun on a rope swing and a makeshift water slide just beneath the Tree-house which can be seen from the cabin master bedroom.

Wake up girl. Time to start living and be loved. You already know it.

Three Years!!

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To: Anonymous;

Are you a sex addict? NO you are not. You are a Love Addict and you should expect nothing less. If you give it then by all means you should also receive it. No exceptions.

In the mind of a man (well…me anyways), for a woman “not” to give sexual intimacy is basically telling her man she no longer cares for him. And if this is explained to her and it still persists then it becomes an absolute degrading insult. This will continue to stew into an spiteful soup and ultimately separate the two of you into something you couldn’t wish on anyone.

In my opinion, you’ve lost. Buck up and live with it or, go out and life your life to the fullest with happiness and love. You also already know this.

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To: Those people that decided to move forward with their lives and be happy;

JGOOD FOR YOU!. See you on the cruise ship of love and happiness.

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Why do I keep coming in here!

If you have read one of my earlier posts you will know that I left my sexless spouse and I am here to tell you:

*** IT IS THE BEST MOVE I EVER MADE ***

I just wish I didn’t waste years to do it.

January 5, 2009 at 12:41 pm

Well, I’m still at home, still not separated and still not moving toward divorce. I stayed home and didn’t visit the guy I’ve been talking to online.

Now, every time I bring up divorce, my husband gives me the same talk about doing what’s right and obedience to God. I can feel myself getting more resentful and angry each day, and I feel like a hostage.

Of course, the last 18 years of living without sex are apologized for and NOW he’s willing to put forth effort.

I’m just venting…

January 6, 2009 at 9:54 am

I am married and we basically live like brother and sister now, because he hardly initiates sex (I got tired of being the one who put forth all the effort) I am beginning not to feel as strongly for him as I used to… I am also beginning to resent him a little, because personally I believe sex completes a marriage. In the past, he loved looking at Victoria Secret models, but when I offered to wear lingerie for him-he said he “didn’t think mothers should wear lingerie”!?!?! Now, I know why his first wife left him for another man (it wasn’t that she couldn’t stay committed to him-he was not giving her the intimacy that she obviously needed and she found someone else who would be fully in a relationship with her and they are still together to this day, so it wasn’t a fling, like my husband proclaimed it was…

I am only 38 years old and not ready to give up my sex life! I don’t know what to do as I married him for life and am fully committed to making this marriage work, plus,the kids deserve stability, we get along fine in other areas…I don’t think my husband is asexual. But this is now making me not care about my appearance because as I mentioned earlier why go to the all the extra effort if I feel like I am in a relationship with my “brother” instead of the lover he is supposed to be…

January 6, 2009 at 1:43 pm

Maybe a sexless marriage works for some, (dont know how), but the feelings of rejection are overwhelming and the craving for that personal intimate contact with your partner is so strong that he is leading me away from our marriage. I has been well over two years without sex and we have discussed the problem without a resolution. I feel that she is robbing me of the years I have left as well as the past few years that I could have spent with a woman who enjoys and needs my attention. It is only natural to crave it and one of the few pleasures that we are given in this life..Life is short, and dead is forever.

January 7, 2009 at 12:38 pm

I posted back in August of 08, and felt compelled after recent comments to post again. A *Marriage of Convenience* is a very painful prison-like existence. For anyone who has a Spouse who shows no intimacy or affection towards them for whatever reason, it is a cruelty that someone cannot imagine. It does get worse over time, as you think it’s *you* with the problem, the…*What have I done to deserve this?* but it isn’t you…it’s them. They cannot relate to the touch, and they put their *Game Face* on for Family & Friends who have no idea of the torturous pain that you live in and craving that love and attention that one is suppose to have in a normal marriage. Promises are always made to spend the time to *rekindle*, or when the child that you were lucky to conceive at (one time) in your marriage, maybe leaves home, then you’ll have time and privacy, you hear the laundry list of excuses! But, in this economy and after 20 years of a prison-like marriage, isolated with your feelings, what can you do? You cannot afford to go and throw away your blood,sweat and most of all tears into what you’ve put into your home, child, and holdings of whatever that might be. I have had a large stake in what I have worked so hard for and to throw it away at this time is nuts. I feel at times I have been stripped of who I really am, I have questioned my self esteem, prettiness, etc. It is amazing to me at times strangers have acknowledged my looks right in front of my Husband and he is clueless and at times jealous of the attention given to me. That old adage of a *Trophy Wife* fits the bill here…but my eyes are opened for 2009 for a fine change for me and new horizons, and biding my time in 2009.

January 8, 2009 at 12:34 am

Dear all, It’s January 8, and life has improved. My perspective is gradually changing and the reality that there no marriage to go back to has really settled. I have started talking to my wife in a friendly tone about serious to not so seroius subjects. It is clear though that the idea of getting back together in non issue.

Now, for about 2 weeks, I’ve been making an attempt to meet people. Freindship and otherwise. I’m not really in the frame of mind getting back on the horse, per say, I just want to make freinds. The friends I have around me have been very supportive and I’ve found old forgotten friends have resurfaced and rallied around me. I do not feel alone.

I’ve been out of work for 2+ months now, and it loos like my efforts of finding a good job may be at and. I’d been contacted by 5 companies within the last week, all seemingly enthusiastic about working with me.

Now, I have to form an idea of how I want to live now. I will say, I’m over the idea of any long term serious relationships for now. Though I will say, that I see myself am a long term relationship guy, I want to experience sex in a way I haven’t before. That is to say. I’ve been in a serious relationship since I was 22. I’m 38, fit, attractive, funny and smart and I want to have sex with a lot of women. Maybe not a lot, just a lot of sex. I’ve been approach by 2 women lately, so I’m just going to go for it.

January 9, 2009 at 4:19 am

I was once in a relationship that became sexless as well. Aside from the sex everything was fine but I ended it and it was for the best. It takes some time to get over things but the frustration was just too intense. Everyone is different with sex. I think addressing the fact taht evryone is different with sex before you ever have sex with a aperson is a good way to try to gage if they will be a good sexual partner. It doesnt make you a bad person either if you split up over this issue. My former partner and I are still friends to this day and had we gotten married it would have been a disaster. Chnage can be scary thing but it can also lead to alot fo positive personal growth.

January 9, 2009 at 11:20 am

It’s true that living in a marriage of convenience isn’t good, but my only consideration is my children. I find it extremely hard to do this to them.

Otherwise, I think I could live with the rest of it.

January 9, 2009 at 12:08 pm

A *Marriage of Convenience* isn’t my 1st choice by any means, but,again with the economy being the way it is I do not have any other option…he knows that too. He seems to be happy *with the way things are*, nothing required of him(his terms). Things get mentioned in passing about *sex*, but it’s like asking someone to change the channel on the TV set…you keep on clicking that clicker to find the next bit of interest, if there is any. When he’s asked *what are we going to do with each other?* I get the *I don’t know* and *Good question*…*sigh* Maybe some decade or century it will make sense. My child has asked me, *why don’t you sleep in your bed? as I’ve set up housekeeping more times than not on the sofa…I really want to say *Gee Honey…why don’t you ask your Father* but I don’t dare cross that line. I cannot expect anything really to change after 20 years, and most of your shouldn’t. There is no *magic remedy*, sexy nightgown, romantic dinner, perfume, vacation, or physician that is really going to help. It is who they are…and they should have been upfront with their future Spouse about their preference for *living without sex* before they ever signed on the dotted line for a marriage license. I do feel cheated, robbed and lied to of romance, love and a very important connection with my Husband. That long lasting romantic link isn’t there, it is a very painful void that is ever present daily. A platonic marriage is not my cup of jo’, but, it is a new year, I’ll see what tomorrow brings.

January 9, 2009 at 12:37 pm

Lael, I appreciate your posts. It seems we’re in similar situations.

When my husband and I were dating, I was the sexual aggressor. I realized just the other day, that we are simply a bad match in terms of sex. And no one really discusses that in marriage counseling.

At any time during the beginning of our marriage, if my passion cooled, (or at times, I was simply rejected), there was no one to match me – no one to pick up where I left off. Does that make sense?

If I didn’t put forth the effort, then no effort was made.

Just a few days ago, we were having a heated discussion about it, and he wanted to defend snuggling as foreplay. Which is fine if the snuggling actually leads to something else once in a while. But it made me so incredibly angry because that’s basically been our sex life for 15 years – snuggling.

After this discussion, I told him that, for now, I was willing to stay put, but that there would absolutely no physical relationship between us – cause now he says he wants to work on it.

You’re right. It feels like a prison.

January 9, 2009 at 1:25 pm

Torn…I appreciate your posts as well.
It is very nice to know someone else in this universe understands this *Marriage of Convenience type prison*.

I have stopped the so called *snuggling*, nothing ever happens to make it a *Marriage Bed*, it is like being in grade school with the *kid next door* who wants to steal a kiss from time to time when the mood hits. I have stopped *asking* for any form of romance, even though he writes on a card during the Holidays of how much *he loves and needs me* and these are the real *gooey type* of cards that if they were to be shown to anyone, it is the perfect *Game Face*. I’ve come to not feel the same way at all over the years of disappointments, hopes dashed or being not thought of as a sweetheart in a card(the love is gone or that it was yanked out of me)my card is like one to a buddie (he knows it too, and says he is not surprised)… my cards are short, sweet and to the point, no fanfare. He says he wants to make things better, make time, romance etc….it NEVER, EVER HAPPENS. There is no magic pill, enticement, book, jewelry, counselor/clergy that has ever or will ever change him to what I thought I married..and for that, it has been the hardest pill to swallow for having loved him, and saying *I Do*.

January 9, 2009 at 3:20 pm

I have been watching for a long time. Every single post here has been salve to my soul…

January 9, 2009 at 5:42 pm

I have been married to my wife for almost fifteen years. When we were dating we used to make out and get really hot, but never had sex. I asked her, if we get married, will sex be an issue because I have a high sexual appetite. Her answer was “No!” that she was so in love with me, that she would never keep sex from me.

Well, we have tried to have sex five times over that 15 years, and all efforts ended up a disaster. She ends up crying, and I end up having to jerk off.

At first it seemed that she just had a physical problem (a overly rigid hymen)… and that could be corrected through surgery. We did that. Still nothing. So, we went a few years ago to a clinic and I sat in with her as the doctor examined her and said there was no reason we should not be having spontaneous sex. But she claims that trying to have it feels like she is being raped.

Dammit, I’m her HUSBAND!

We are both Christians… and I hate the idea of a failed marriage. But, I am at the end of my rope. I know she loves me, but I have been slowly getting more and more bitter toward her and our relationship.

I am an attractive guy, and get propositioned often by women (I live in Seattle where the women seem to be more aggressive than most other places because there are far less straight men than straight women — at least that’s how I see it).

I am very strongly thinking of cutting her loose. And have talked to her of it many times, but all she does is cry and make me feel I am taking her for granted.

What to do?

Sad to see I am not alone in this. And in the end, we are all driven to make one of the most difficult decisions of our lives. Do we stay, or do we go?

January 10, 2009 at 12:14 am

This is a comment about hope, for spouses that are married to what seems like an asexual partner[spending more than 10 years never thinking about sex[but wanting intimacy], to wanting sex and intimacy for the next almost 15 years]

I had been married before for almost 10 years. Throught this first marriage we had 2 children, and I wanted nothing to do with him sexually after the kids came along. I didnt even realize that sex was truely a ‘need’, not a want. He was a very closed and self absorbed person so I thought this was just one more demand he wanted to place on me. He was angery alot, so I thought his anger and threats about needing sex were just another way to control-as ‘when’ we did have sex[yes, it was always great sex 'when' it did happen!!?]…I saw no benefit to our relationship….did not seem to bring us closer. So to me[in my youth] I thought, ‘Why bother?’
He eventually became unfaithful, and the marriage disintegrated in a slow painful way.

So about 14 years ago I remarried, and this time it was for ‘real’ love I thought. I loved most things about this man…and for the first time I really wanted to commit in every way.

We had sex[but not great sex-althought it seemed great for him] in the beginning, and we had 2 children.
After this, there was no more. That was it. He said he had what he really desired in life-a family, house, hobbies and kids. I knew this before we married, but I didnt know it didnt include me!
For the first 2-3 years after this ‘no sex I am too busy time’ I walked on eggshells trying to please him in every way[as I knew what it is like not to 'feel' the desire[and not even think about it!] and have someone not understand]. Then after 3-4 years I started to get frustrated and very depressed, then ater 6 years I started to get hateful and resentlful. That is where I am still am now….6 years of sleeping alone because he wont come to bed cause he is ‘busy’…and having 2 grade school kids at home that are so well adjusted….and even thinking of ruining thier little world just because there is no tenderness or intimacy.-[This makes me hate him even more]

We have tried counselling…made us even further apart. I have tried giving him space, I have asked him what ‘I’ should do about this, or how ‘he’ could ‘help’ me…he says to masturbate [as he does, as it is quick and easy and dosnt take up too much of his time]
I make ‘dates’ on the calender for an ‘us time’[as he is a 'calender' type person]…but he dosnt seem to notice the ‘dates’, and I cant bring them up cause he says its a turn off to be reminded.

Ok, I am done for now. And I see I have not even got out the things I really wanted to say, and ALL the ways I have tried to reach him, and all the ways he has blocked me and continuousley promises he will ‘try’. So I will keep reading here, and try again.

I am thankful for this thread of honesty.

January 11, 2009 at 11:21 am

Franchesca…thank you also for your honesty. I can’t help but note the devotion to the children. As a Mother it is the only link we have as Spouses in a Marriage of Convenience. They wanted kids, but it appears to be nothing more once that chip has been played. They show to Family & Friends that they procreated, done their duty and carried on the family name etc. They provided the daily housekeeper, caretaker of their seed and want nothing more to do with the maintaining of the martial relationship that made that legacy happen. The coldness is what is the most deafening after years of walking on eggshells, I do know what you are talking about. There is *all talk* in the looks, gazes, stares, grunts, and swift walking away what could be warmth and affection in this coldest of seasons. They do get threatened when attention is payed to you, but, they cannot get past their own selfishness as you have become a possession and not a helpmate. I am very thankful for this thread and those who have courageously posted, we are in a strange and foreign place…and really not sure how we got here, but, searching for the right map for the best route to get out onto road for the beautiful highway of life, that we’ve been told about all these years.

January 11, 2009 at 11:30 am

My first comment is to “PreoccupiedWithLeaving”. I relate to a lot to what you’ve been saying, especially your demographic. I originally from Seattle, know what your saying about women from the NW and agree with your gay/ straight senerio. I, also married 16 years, with a recollection of a far off conversation of the early days, sex would never be an issue. Things change though.

After 15 year of that attitude, take advantage of the youth left in you and have some fun. She has you held hostage and it just won’t get any better.

I go to church every Sunday, but not have yet bought into any particular belief system, I do find it interesting that your wife, being ” Christian”, does not give this self of her as it is a stipulation within the bonds of marriage. Of at least that the general idea I had from a recent conversation with my pastor. Of course, you don’t want your wife to make love to you just because “God said so”, you want it to be earnest and the same basic needs coming from her direction. Right?

As a few of you may know from my journey, like yours, my wife and I separated and it was devistating to me. On the other hand, things have really taken a sharp turn positively in my life, and I’m on the road of fully excepting my situation.

By the way, this weekend, I did do what I said I was going to do. It was great, I enjoyed it and I didn’t walk away wracked with guilt. I did’nt think it was possible. There is light at the other end.

January 11, 2009 at 3:27 pm

Something I had not mentioned in my earlier post is that my health seems to be very much affected by this whole thing. When my wife is out of town for any length of time, seeing family etc., I feel great. But when she returns, I become cranky, dizzy, upset stomach, I see auras and flashing lights in my vision, the slightest sharp sounds annoy me, and I feel very groggy and depressed. I have constant back aches and headaches, and I seem to have a constant mental fog that feels like I am half asleep all day long.

Not to mention, I don’t sleep well at night and often go for 1 – 3 mile walks in the middle of the night regardless of the weather… just to get out and because I feel nervous and twitchy.

The problem is, I enjoy her as a friend, but that is all she is and all she ever has been for all intents and purposes… and she seems OKAY with it except she wants ME to be more affectionate!? Come on… if there is no ribbon at the end of the run, what is the point in lining up?

Know what I mean?

January 11, 2009 at 4:13 pm

I discovered this blog in early December and have been reading the comments without leaving one of my own until now. A tremendous amount of the comments I have identified with and agree, it is comforting to know that I’m not the only one suffering.

My situation may be slightly different in that it was brought on by radiation treatment for prostate cancer – my husband’s last treatment was June 1999. Even though we discussed the various options available and impotency was a “big deal” to us we proceeded – me, probably in my normal state of denial….that it won’t happen to us. Well, it took some time but happen it did and unfortunately my husband can’t take any of the ED drugs as he has bad reactions to them….we tried all three.

I suggested we try to be intimate anyway – we don’t really need an erection but he wasn’t buying any of that. He’s from an era that believes an erect penis is the main event of the sex deal. He’s made it clear that oral sex isn’t an option when there’s “nothing in it” for him. You can imagine a major resentment at this remark.

I wonder too if being treated for prostate cancer got him off the hook for what was only going to occur naturally anyway. He’s now 73 and I’m 56. Horniness is in my genes; my poor dad complained about not “getting any” until his death at 92 so I don’t see my interest waning (although as time goes by I may be “flying solo”!)

So anyway, there’s a little bit of background. The thing is that I left my previous husband for the man I am now married to because the sex was lacking. I honestly felt like I had found my sexual match until of course, this prostate thing. We’ve been married 24 years and even though I am harboring some bitter resentments, I still love him….he is a good man. I have no plans to leave my husband – as others have said, the marriage vows, particularly since we have a medical situation here, do mean something to me. BUT if I was in my 20’s, 30’s or even 40’s I don’t think I would feel that way. Obviously, I left my previous marriage just because of that. Sometimes I think I’m getting paid back for that now. I eat right, exercise and stay fit – partly in case something happens to my husband and I can get “on with my life.” Aren’t I bad?

My ten year’s of a sexless marriage has gone through all the stages of grief…denial, anger, sadness and I am hoping I have entered the acceptance stage. Perhaps I can vent my resentments here and keep peace with my “old man.”

January 11, 2009 at 5:21 pm

After seeing my comments on the actual site I see that I left a WHOLE LOT unsaid but as you can imagine, 10 years of daily sexual frustration is way too much to write about! As I said in the beginning I related to so many posts…the feelings of rejection, betrayal, rejection, loneliness, rejection, rejection, rejection…..and YES, my husband is “clueless” too – like what we once had NEVER MATTERED. And I just have to “turn off.”

January 13, 2009 at 12:43 pm

PreoccupiedWithLeaving…I understand the depressed related headaches, aches and pains that go along with being connect in marriage to a very negative person. It’s all the stress this person brings into your life and what comes out of their mouth. I have been fortunate to on occasion travel on business and have enjoyed my personal time away (I have felt and work so much better),so, in 2008 I decided to take a separate vacation for the first time over this past Summer and rented a inexpensive small cottage for myself and dog near the seashore. By the time I was leaving that morning, he was hounding me about leaving him with our child (who had classes and a Summer job etc.), the ride was about 2 1/2 hours from our residence, in that time he called me 10x! By the time I found the place and opened the door, I was in tears and shaking…but I remember what I said upon entering the cottage, “I can BREATHE, I can finally BREATHE!” I found a small place of rescue, I enjoyed my week, quiet, slept,ate and enjoyed the sunshine, read, and played with my dog, nothing special. I kept a small notebook and kept tabs of how many calls he made to me daily for the 8 days I was away…it averaged 9x a day! Many times I just let it go to voicemail. I must say, that all the aches & pains, headaches, fogginess of brain, went away plus, I actually smiled! I didn’t miss him at all (tho’ I missed my child)…coming home was a dread, back to the old lifestyle. After all this I have a different perspective, there’s no major feelings about being lost without him, no major longings to see or hear from him after being away, but physically, I knew his effect on me and I fight that influence everyday. His comments are always “negative” no matter who, what or where we are, he will find “fault”…the comments, criticism, the reprimands, are a daily walk to live with and hear. As I have stated before…a “Marriage of Convenience” is a prison that few can tolerate, I for one know that the clock is ticking, see the dates of the calendar flying by, and I can see when my sentence is up…soon.

January 13, 2009 at 10:07 pm

Lael, I cant tell you just how much your encouragement lifted me for even a moment[and each time I return and think I am going to post again].
FlyingSolo, Preoccupied,Eastside,Torn,Foreveryoung,Humanity,JB,WaitedforWhat?,Anonomys,mike………
Everyone of you have been so helpful and brave to just share as you do, the good and the bad…holding back nothing. It has helped me[and everyone else I'm sure] immensely from pushing the ‘panic button’….or at least, just doing something impulsivley regretful.

I feel as though I dont even know what I want anymore. Dont even know if I want to ‘fix’ this[not that 'I' can]. I feel damaged to the core. I so wish I had not let this go on for so long…I dont think I did these children a favour.

I am thinking right now….do I want my girls to grow up to be like me?? NO!! Do I want them to marry a man like thier father?? NO!
Do I want my sons to be like thier dad??NO….but I have been in survival mode so long…a prisoner in a cell that decided to decorate. If I were ‘freed’, now, would I be any happier?? at nearly 50?? unable to support us?

I have to say, I did meet a very nice man recently. By what I have told him, he thinks we are just going to be ‘buddies’, nothing more, probably ever….and he ‘SEEMS’ ok with that. But I want try at a ‘more than friends’ with this man….but I jsut cannot….even though I might have the ‘key to my cell’I have realized the baggage[emotions, not my children!!] that would follow with me.

Again, I feel so damaged, and drained…my body hurts.

January 15, 2009 at 5:10 am

I realize there is alot of real pain here, so please take this as the compassionate slap in the face you need.

Go get Laid!

If your wife or husband has subjected you to living devoid of the very healthy (physically and emotionally) benefits of sex. And, for years! This person, while maybe a great spouse in other areas has aborgated one of their primary roles in your relationship.

And, they have no right to feel cheated upon, they GAVE THAT RIGHT AWAY YEARS AGO. Nor, should you feel guilty. Besides, why should they even care if they’ve already thrown it out. The only responsibility you have is discretion. And, in fact, this will save your marriage things are good otherwise. Else, you will continue to build negative self images and store resentments, both of which push any chance of sexual recovery further away.

Remember, THEY THREW IT AWAY. Now, pick it up, reclaim it as your own and work it. And, next time we pass each other go ahead and be bad!

January 15, 2009 at 1:40 pm

I read this entire thread, every single post. And there was a sense of relief. I am not alone. I am not the only one going through this. My pain, agony, abuse – there are people out here who REALLY get what I’m going through. Then I re-read #12, NobodyReallySays. And that post so mirrors what I’d never been able to truly express…

And then I got really ANGRY. Angry at him for making the choice of no sex for both of us. Angry at him for pushing me between living without sex or cheating. We have been together 13 years but after the last three years of virtually no sex (maybe 5 times in three years), I finally decided to cheat.

I started out sleeping with other women. I’ve known I was bisexual since my teens but this doesn’t mean I’m some hidden lesbian or that I have desires for women he couldn’t handle. I really and truly fell in love with this man and wanted to spend my life with him. Still do. But the lack of sex was killing me. So I went back to sleeping with women. Somehow I rationalized to myself that it was cheating less with other women than men even though I knew better.

But this summer I saw an ex-boyfriend. And then another ex. And another ex. It’s like they’re popping up out of the woodwork. But then it wasn’t an ex, just someone I liked.

And the truth is, NONE of this is what I want. What I want is sex with the man I chose to be with – and it’s the one thing I can’t have. He’s no longer affectionate – I initiate any and all contact. Hugs, kisses – he acts like it’s a surprise but at least he’s not actively pushing me away anymore. And believe me I’ve run the gamut of trying to create intimacy – movie nights with just us, candles, dressing sexy, sexy talk, porn (he won’t watch it together only alone), and just plain being interested in him!

I don’t know what to do. All of this going to end badly. One of my ex’s is a friend of his. He never knew we were ever lovers to begin with (never found out we had this friend in common until after we got together and we never mentioned it).

It’s like I’m daring him to say something. I feel he has to know. I come home later and later – sometimes not until 3 or 4 am. He always swallows my line that I’m out partying with my girlfriends. Never questions that I’m hanging out with imaginary friends he’s never met. We never drink, or at least we never used to, but now I do regularly. He never says a word about me coming home reeking of liquor and beer and sex. How can he be so blind and clueless?

How can he keep ignoring me?

Our one child will be in college soon. If he won’t go to counseling with me or work to resolve this by the time she’s finished with her first year of school, it’s over. I’m going to pack up and leave. I won’t have the excuse of having a child in the house anymore and I refuse to live with a man (or woman) that I have to beg for affection and intimacy.

Life is much to short. I get to do this once and only once. And we don’t get to enjoy sex for our whole existence. I will be too old for this one day. But I want to while I can for as long as I can. And I will, with or without him.

But I’d much rather it was with him.

January 18, 2009 at 5:11 am

Hello All,
In my last comment posted, I was a lot more cavalier about my new found freedom. In a little retrospect, I’ve been able to learn that in one hand, I like the idea of sleeping with many different people and doing this w/o guilt or attachment. On the other side of the spectrum, I am very much a monogymous type personality. But with 16+ years of investing my time in a person who is unable to physically happy, the prospect of me being satisfied or trusting the sexuality will play a longer element seems a fantasy.

That said, some of the women in this thread have the same problem I do/ had. That gives me hope that all women are not like my ex’. The murky area, is that the first 2 years with anybody can be steamy, so you’ve bought into a product but you don’t know what the warranty is. It’s there an extended warranty you can keep purchasing? I know, that’s trite, but really, if someone knows they naturally have a low libido, they should let this out before that other person invests a lifetime in them. I know, who can know that, especially when you young and in heat.

I see my (ex) wife walking in front of my house nearly every day (we decided to live in the same village for the kids), and my heart breaks every time I see her. She’s been working out and looks GREAT! As an ex-model, she’s always been a beautiful woman. I know she been out with men, but I do everything I can not to think about it. The idea still storms inside me that she’s getting and giving pleasure to/ from someone else, something I starved for, for so long. What a goddamn rip-off! I worked so hard for it, and some asshole is getting it for free!. Many of you know what I’m talking about.

Now, I’ll get off my high horse. I have had sex once since the breakup during the holidays, so I’m not in a position to be rightous. I may see another girl(s) over the next couple of days. When I have met with women, the thought of my wife vanishes from my mind. That should be a pretty good indication that I’m loosing more and more of my dependency for her love. I sure better, she moved on and not looking back.

January 19, 2009 at 3:21 pm

from post #12 from ‘nobodyreally’ as, mentioned by preachingtochoir-

“…and as if the choice i am forced to make (do i sleep around and lose my marriage, or do i not sleep around and lose my sanity), is simply the worst abuse one could think up. because it locks me in an eternal battle with my conscience, who i am, and what i want from my life.”

I agree also, that was a post that hit the spot too[along with most of the other excellent ones here]
It is a battlle within. Do I want to sell short of all I believe to be right, honest and noble?
I read, ‘we are not given more than we can endure’…and I wonder, for how long?

ShamelessALT-that was a good ’slap in the face’! When I read it I…it brought me to smile, then laughter! I am still chuckling over it. What a sence of humour you have!
You are really so right to the point when you say-”And, they have no right to feel cheated upon, they GAVE THAT RIGHT AWAY YEARS AGO.”

I agree. They did. There is more than one way to be adulterous.

Even though ‘they’ do wrong, I am still not convinced it gives us the ‘right to do wrong’.

ShamelessALT, I certainly did enjoy your post…and I needed to hear the flip side of this rejection. Thankyou.

January 19, 2009 at 10:24 pm

We have been married since 6 months now and haven’t made love even once since our wedding day! It kills me from inside and there are days when I am so depressed and worried about our relationship because of lack of sex. Everytime I tried talking to him he either avoided the topic or called me desperate. I just ended up hurting myself.
We love each other and spend alot of time with each other. Everything seems so perfect except the lack of physical expression which in my opinion not healthy! I imagine being with him, kissing him, making out with him, long fir those moments as if we are not together anymore while he is sleeping next to me. I am lost and just don’t know what to do!!!!

January 20, 2009 at 12:08 pm

Angel,

If you don’t have children yet, you should seriously consider your situation.

My marriage is also very satisfying, with the exception of sex. But you got married to have a spouse, not a roomate – which is what I’ve basically had for almost two decades.

Please don’t think it’s going to change. My husband was always in ‘willing mode’ – always talking about change, saying he was willing to change, but nothing happened. And it didn’t matter how much encouraged him or told him that I wanted to have sex with him.

January 20, 2009 at 2:10 pm

I too am in a low sex marriage, but unlike many of you, I am the one who turns down sex.
I truly love my husband of 5 years. We have 4 kids, and have been a very busy couple. We have sex once or twice a month at the most. He tries to initiate once in a while, and often I ignore his subtle advances. It seems to take all my energy to get into it. He is an amazing man, and I adore him, but I must confess that our sexual chemistry hasnt been that great in my opinion. He was a virgin when he married me, and I have had several partners and was also raped when I was a teenager. So I know there is a level of baggage going on. Our marriage is terrific on every level except this. The horrible part is I know I have a sex drive. I sometimes fantasize about other attractive men, and I masturbate once in a while. I feel guilty, and I admit I havent told him the lack of chemistry. I just am afraid of hurting him. I dream of us growing old together, and cherish every memory we have made. I dont want this to become a deal breaker for either of us.
Anyone have any advise??

January 23, 2009 at 12:36 am

I agree with the advise Torn has given to Angel. This is the way he is Angel, and it is not going to change[well, slim to none].
If there are no kids involved then it is a deal-breaker. Can you live another 40 years like this?…and is that what is intended for us as married spouses?
My husband wanted nothing to do with me on our wedding night, and this is still going on 14? years?, and 2 kids later.

I didnt know at the time that these things dont change[again, slim to none]. I thought it was just a phase he was going through, or he was too tired, or his ‘headaches’. I didnt like this but thought one day he would ‘come around’. Never happened and I have never heard of it happening with couples once the ‘no sex’ has been established.

I was married before and in a sexless marriage[MY DOING]…I just didnt have any real desire for him…although in my mind I still had sexual feelings…just not for him I guess.
It wasnt until it ended up in divorce, and I remarried, that I really wanted to have a sexual relationship.

Sara -your problem sounds so fixable! Sounds like moslty a lack of communication[along with extreme fatigue!]
Maybe your husband dosnt know how you feel, and maybe he too would like more of something[but dosnt know how? or what? that might be]
It is good you have still got ‘the feeling’…so it is still possible to fix.
You gotta tell him how you feel,and what you need, and find out if he is thinking the same!!
[I know it is not all that 'simple'-but you 2 still have hope!]

January 24, 2009 at 1:50 pm

Wow, what a long line of comments! I’ve wondered for years how prevalent it is that couples live with little or no sex. I sympathize with everyone here. For my wife and I, physical intimacy is nonexistent. We got married in our 30s and did pretty well in bed for a handful of years. She met with an early perimenopause, which started making things slowly become less and less workable. Maybe a dozen years ago we ended up in separate rooms because of her nighttime coughing and my frequent twitching. We continued to “do it” on infrequent occasion, but the last time (which was more of an attempt because didn’t go well at all) was half a decade ago. And given the aging process (and her creeping weight, too), I can’t see it ever coming (sorry….) back.

It’s very frustrating. Several times every day I think quite unhappily about the lack of “whoopee” in our lives. We’ve become roommates, and while we do love each other our home life is really more a cooperative than a marriage. I’ve pretty much resigned my self to this because I cannot see how to change it.

January 25, 2009 at 9:26 am

I am 48, male and have been dealing with this for 10 yrs. It sure didn’t start out this way.
She is my second wife and we met thru work. She was in sales and I was a technician which

led to us talking and eventully meeting for drinks after work. Our conversations turned from

work to other things over time. I was fully recovered from my first marriage, and was

briming with confidence and lust for life. She was in a seven year relationship and told me

she loved him, but was not in love with him. She said that she had not had sex with him in

over a year and only once the year before that. We began to have an affair which was intence

and very satisfying. She was perfect. Smart and sexy and above all independant. I never

thought I would ever marry again, but six months later,boom, there we were. She had

previously told me she had a low labito but things were so good I didn’t see it. I have a

high sex drive and thought it was enough for both of us. When we moved in together, things

changed. We did not have sex on our wedding night because we had guests in our house and she

cannot be quiet (another thing I found exciting). Anyway, as time passed things changed from

once a week, to once a month, to……. I can’t remember the last time. I blame myself for

this thinking I should have tried harder, but I did, and it was her that was always

rejecting me. After the feeling of rejection and pain, time after time, I lost all

confidence in myself and was unhappy in everything I do. I’ve been buying and trying

everything to replace the thing I miss most…..LOVE and Intimacy. Like many of you, I do

love my partner and it just not that easy for me to go out and just get laid. That,s not

what I want. I know that she wont change and we will eventually go our seperate ways. For

me, sex without love is empty and love without sex is torture.

A special thanks to everyone who has shared there feelings here. You have helped me see

things from all sides and have stopped me from feeling sorry for myself. The feelings of

resentment have been lifted, and I have began changing the way I think looking forward to a

brighter future.

When I am ready, I want my wife to read this page. Maybe she will understand what she had

put me through, and in turn, understand herself a bit better. Who knows.

January 30, 2009 at 1:18 pm

After reading the above comments…it is so easy for someone who posted to say *Go Get Laid*…to some here it brings a laugh, a half smile and a smirk. But for someone like me, it just isn’t the momentary remedy for a broken heart, eyes full of tears and hurt spirit, it’ll just be a band aid for a very deep sorrowful wound. I don’t do casual, and I am sure many here who have loved their Spouse at one time or another cannot be that *simple*.

My Husband has finally and shyly agreed to make an attempt to see a Sex Therapist…I am not sure where this avenue is going to go in our *Marriage of Convenience*, but I told this Counselor this is my very last attempt at anything in this relationship, as I cannot take this seesaw anymore. Results and not the language of *soon* is what I want to see, hear and experience. Been to too many Counselors, I hope this is the *ONE* and then I can proceed to go forward without any further regrets…and not to just *get laid*.

February 1, 2009 at 12:26 pm

Lael, if you have no kids at home, I think you are on the right track. ‘Soon’ does not cut it after many years of rejection, only results will do. Making a decision[by leaving no stone unturned] and following through is the only thing left to do. I know th pain also.
We all have different ways to cope with gut wrenching pain through long term rejection. -[pain that is 'ongoing' and involves only myself]…some of us cope with temporal humour for many personal situations.
I, [maybe many of us] do not say to the extent we suffer. I find myself no longer finding a reason to get up, and stay out of my bed. I get up to feed my kids and hug them…look after their basic needs…then back to bed I go[I work partime]. I even dont answer my phone unless I see it is the school. My self esteem is shot to hell. I ‘pretended’ for several years I was ‘overcoming’ this….and kept up my appearance physically….but no more….I am a shell of a person now, where up till even 2 years ago could have had[AS THEY SAY]-’any man I wanted’…..but I dont care about that…never did….I want MY husband….which makes this so very painful.
A ‘roll in the hay’ with just anybody just wont do.
I wouldnt/couldnt find humour over someone elses pain…such as a chronic wayward child, someones medical condition, financial loss, marriage problems…etc.

Please keep us updated Lael on how this counselling is working out for YOU!

God Bless, and the very best to you Lael.

February 2, 2009 at 4:08 pm

As I read hrough these posts I do feel a sense of comoraderie with most everyone here.I have read alot of posts online for different reasons wy a woman would stop having sex with her husband and there is a myriad of reasons. She is taking you for granted, she does not respect you anymore, she feels taken for granted, etc. etc. Our life changed after having a child. I have read that this is common also. After our first child our sex life went downhill. My wife had post pardem depression and couldnt deal with much at the time. We went for seven months or so without sex (this was not counting not having sex while she was pregnant)At the end of that time I was relating my story to a good friend of mine (a woman) and I kissed her-that is all, I have no reason to lie about it here-. I felt horrible about it and having an honest relationship with my wife I told her about it. Since then we have had two more children and frankly that was the only time we had sex regularly. We have sex approx. once a month now and she wants it overwith asap. I have sent her love notes, told her I love her, asked if there was anything new she wante to try, lost weight, and have made a concerted effort to try and get to the bottom of it. Nothing. She says she loves me, and says she desires me yet she doesnt kiss me, compliment me, touch me. if I touch her she stiffens up. She will let me rub her feet and her back but nothing else. Sex seems to be a chore to her.
She has told me to “take care of myself” but is disgusted if I do. I am at a loss! She seems fine with all of this but its killing me-its not the sex anymore it is the intimacy and closeness we used to share.it seems gone. I do not know if she is having an affair – maybe/maybe not. It seems that everything I read though is based on the man getting to know about a woman with little care at all placed on the other side. I cook, clean, take care of the kids, and work full time. I am at a loss….Thanks for “listening”

February 8, 2009 at 11:09 am

Andrew, looks maybe like maybe your wife is the one confused. She dosnt want it, and is trying to shame you into not looking after your own needs. I hope you are not buying this.
There is nothing wrong with helping yourself as long as one spouse is not denying the other because of it. This is my case. My husband looks after his own business as he thinks it is just better ‘time management’….and tells me I need to do the same. He feels my happiness should NOT depend on him. He pays the mortgage, and helps with the kids…’what more do you want’ he says.

As to what you have shared, sounds like your wife is confused about ‘Marriage first, kids second’, out of chronic fatigue after having 3 kids and maybe working on top of that?
If you had a good sex life before, maybe in 5-10 years things could turn around when the kids are more self sufficient. If you could wait that long, along with counselling, would be so worth it.
Thing is, the kids should not have to pay for her lack of commitment to your relationship. I dont care what all the new agers think, I have lived long enough to see that the kids will be the ones who pay. They NEED both of you at hand.
I believe the marriage bed is sacred, but I would not judge anyone for doing what they needed to do [after much counselling and communication, along with making the other spouse aware of the possible reprocussions of a sexless marriage]…to remain in the marriage soley for the commitment they made to the well being of the kids.

February 9, 2009 at 7:22 pm

Well reading the thread i now know that there are many ppl suffering from NO sex marital life like me. M 27, mother of a 2 yr old boy, married for last 5 yrs, with countable sexy nights… he loves me, cares for me but….

ive cried, cried alot…spent many nights awaking n waiting for him. I feel like m stuck, i have no choice of leaving him cuz i dont want my baby to suffer his whole life just cuz his mom wanted sex from his father.

I just want good suggestion…is cheating the only option….though being a muslim girl m not cut out for it….but do i have any other choice…??? this feeling of being rejected, unnoticed, useless thing is killing me everyday n night. He says its my problem not his so i have to get through it myself… what should i do….should i suicide silently,,, i dont want his care for my fever that happens once in 2 years. i want his love his affection , i want to sleep with him in his arms. All my friends do that why cant I…??? i know i look good than why is this all happening with me…??? m going crazy and sooner or later i will be requiring a psychiatrist or smday my deadbody will be found somewhere…!! i cant live my whole life like this

February 10, 2009 at 7:31 am

Wow, after reading some of these comments, I dont feel so poorly about loss of sex in my marrage. My wife has lost interest over the years. We have been together for 10 years now. I am there every night of the week for her. Sex usually consists of me giving her a massage (for usually an hour). I try to convince her into this most every night. This is usually just massage, no genital or intercourse, which is OK, mostly, for me. But I do crave more most of the time. I have learned to understand, but it sometimes makes me feel unatractive, uncared for, unappreciated. The one thing that holds it together, I trust that my wife loves me and feel confident in the truth of this. Bottom line is that; you have to feel loved in a marrage and know it is real. Otherwise, it is unhealth and unrealistic to think a marrage will survive.

I am surprised at how many women wrote in here telling stories of how the husband is the one that does not want sex – incredible! I suggest the wives look up testosterone replacement therapy (Androgel is one) and discuss with the husband. I am 42 and have been taking hormones for 3 years. My sex drive is huge, but under control (Im not running off because I cant get intercourse more than our usual once a month) – just seeing my wife and touching her is a real turn-on for me, so the massage feels good for her, and is playful enough for me. My desire for her increased, my general mood has gotten better (at home and work). My energy has returned to what it was in my early 30’s. I feel energetic even after 9 hours at the office and even after completing my yard chores – which have gotten easier – testorsterone has lead to increased muscle and I have lost all my stomach fat – I have a “sort-of six-pack”now. Yes, there are potential for side effects. I prefer to live better for decades and give up a few years late in life, than live with low sex drive, low energy and poor mood for rest of my life. I highly recommend it – I love chasing my wife around again.

February 19, 2009 at 4:22 pm

Saddest thing is on this long thread are no stories of success with the partner. Love my husband of 13yrs, together 6yrs before that. When we met as virgins I thought his not pressuring beyond making out for 3 years was out of respect, never dreamed it could be lack of interest from a man! Then I thought he was hung up b/c we weren’t married, twice during the honeymoon should have been the clue. He claims everything is fine, I’m the one with a problem with 1-2/mo. Pay attention if you’re only a few yrs in! If you cry yourself to sleep and can’t stand the rejection u get just lying in the same bed with a man who doesn’t want u, do something it won’t just get better by moving to the sofa. I was so quick to blame myself. Promises promises that things will change and they’ll throw you a bone with mercy sex, but then you’re right back where you started. From hurt to bitter to a shell of who you are- feeling like a weak, needy freak for wanting your God given right. Years slip by while you hope and try different things. You all described the hurt and rejection so well. Not to mention the pretty trap once you have little ones with this wonderful person in everyway but one. He’s promised counseling for years once we have our bi-annual blow out all to nothing. I used to really judge cheaters and say they should leave first, now I’m the one trapped and see it’s not always that easy. When I think of all the boys I fought off and then all these wasted years it tears me up. I’m so wounded, I don’t know if things could ever be the way I dreamed they would. If he suddenly was interested, I don’t think I’d believe it. In all his lack of enthusiasm he’s never once asked me what I would like and therefore even when I get some attention I’m so desperate for from the man I truly love, it’s just okay. He can’t bring himself to talk about it in any way. He never says a word about sex or even a sound during. Claims he never masterbated and for months hours of oral and he couldn’t orgasm when we started out. What did I know my first time around. Now for him it’s just another job. He probably settled and now I pay for that. Really, we wouldn’t have sex once a month if I wasn’t ovulating, somehow his body overpowers him, that’s the only way we have kids. I wish there were hope, it’s such a degrading and humiliating existence. All while he says he does everything for me, except what I ask for, to feel wanted. No complements, no desire, he even skipped our last anniversary completely. I used to be a strong woman. I’d never put up with abuse…little did I know I’d put up with emotional abuse. I pray someone got their spouse back, but I don’t see it here. Not crazy, just losing hope.

March 9, 2009 at 12:35 pm

This makes really sad. I’m glad I found this forum, but now I think I have held out hope for too many years. I’ve been married for 17-years and have not had a good sex life since! 2-3 times a month if I’m lucky. Usually less.
I should have known better, my wife promised lots of sex after marriage, pre-marital sex was infrequent, she claimed due to her religious upbringing. After we got married she said she’d be “wild” . That was not quite true, no sex even on our wedding night! I should have run… We have had periods when she wanted to get pregnant and we had lots of sex, those days are long gone. She used to wear perfume, not anymore. She always claimed it wasn’t me, but she never compliments me, or says I look good, nothing, It was that she had a poor body image, weight problem etc.. I never cared what size she is or was. In recent years it has been “I’m too tired” or some other excuse of the day, and it’s my fault because she has to work, if I don’t like it, go out and get a better job so she can stay home. Well she only works 3 days a week now, no improvement, and she just laughed when I complained, it was “my” problem, and her friends husbands complain about lack of sex too. That’s life, get over it. I love her and want her. After 3-kids she wanted a tummy tuck, I said go ahead if that will make you happy with your body, of course I expected to benefit. No luck! I don’t think I can take it anymore, Those few times we have sex, it’s pity sex that starts with her putting her book down and saying “I’ll have sex with you, but hurry up I’m tired” it’s all me, no adventure. She climaxes, or she is possibly a good faker, I don’t know anymore. I can hardly even get there anymore , and when I do, it’s just not so good. The mental emotional connection is not there. She always told me to “go take care of yourself” that’s what I was doing but it isn’t what I want or need. I am tired of the rejection, tired of feeling worthless, tired of the sleepless nights and angry at having wasted my the best years of my life. I’m 45-years old, a healthy good looking man and I hate my life! If it weren’t for the kids I’d be long gone.
I wish there was a fix ( which is what I came looking on the net for)but after reading all these posts I’m not too optimistic.

March 10, 2009 at 5:15 pm

A follow-up on the meeting with Sex Therapist and my Husband…we went once. He decided to cancel the other appointments, didn’t like the *2* books the Doctor recomended, considered them *porn*, plus the kicker was… that he told the Doctor he wants ***SEX*** I was floored! Plus I was the one who didn’t want SEX! UGH! I thought I went into the Twilight Zone after that! He has made an attempt, but I felt totally nothing. The Doctor just told us *To Just Do It*, like the Nike Ad! To be passionate, anamalistic…UGH! To let the past be the past and move forward to reconnect. That all sounds well and good unless you’ve lived this mess for 20 years! I have no idea if he will ever go back, and it’s now *all about him and his needs that need to be met*. Never mind for all the years I begged, pleaded, cried, and mentally tore myself to shreds wondering why me? I don’t know if this can be salvaged in a romantic way. I am just trying to sort *me* out and where I am going after this *light bulb* moment. I will say, I am glad I went…I now know what and whom I truly am dealing with now.

March 11, 2009 at 8:40 am

Lael,

I’m kind of going through the same thing. After 20 years for us too, this is really, really hard thing to just ‘restart’. I honestly feel like I’m being asked to have sex with someone that I now have no desire for. I’ve been working at this for two decades, and when we started to really talk about it, my husband said the same thing – “I thought you didn’t want to have sex”! And it didn’t matter how much I encouraged, he says now that he thought I was only telling him what he wanted to hear.

The torturous thing about all this to me is that he IS my best friend. I enjoy talking to him, sharing with him – but the physical aspect simply doesn’t exist for me anymore. And right now, I’m having to decide whether I’m willing to go to counseling to work on this or get separated.:(

I don’t want to hurt him or my children, but I just don’t think I can do it.

March 12, 2009 at 9:18 am

Many comments that are very disturbing to me. Maybe because I am married to a woman who in the begining loved sex and now 17 years later wants nothing to do with it. I love it, want it, need it, MUST have it. We will most likely divorce over it because I refuse to live a married life with someone I can’t have a sexual relationship with. Jane’s comments really are the most rediculious I’ve read though and the fact her husband puts up with it is even more of an issue.

March 20, 2009 at 10:14 pm

Ladies,

I can almost blame your husbands sex drive loss to there lack of testosterone production. Being a student in this area for many years I can attest to the fact either anti depressants are being taken or lack of exercise + alcohol are causing the loss of sex drive. Please take your husbands to an endocrinologist where they can do a full checkup of hormones to make sure there testosterone is not low. If you can start working out with your husbands in the form of weight training or resistant training this will almost always instantly increase both of your sex drives due to a natural release in hormones. If you have any questions feel free to email me at noah.beach@yahoo.com

I don’t mind people emailing me or knowing my name. I know this is such a big issue in marriage today. I am in school for nursing right now but seriously am considering endocrinology so I can help couples in need.

March 21, 2009 at 8:09 pm

I am breathing a sigh of relief to finally find others that share my problem. I have been internet searching for awhile, thinking “I CAN’T be the only one who’s husband has such a low sex drive”! Like so many of you I have gone through all the thoughts and emotions of wondering what was wrong with me. Why doesn’t my husband desire me, etc. etc. He is my very best friend. He compliments me, he is affectionate, we spend lots of time together and he enjoys physical contact, but not sexual. We have sex once every 2 or 3 months. I feel like it has to be a production for him, ie; dirty talk (which I’m very uncomfortable with)for him to get in the mood. Where as I would be happy even if it was just wham bam thank you ma’am. I would be grateful for ‘pity sex’ even. I see there are several who have posted here that have it much worse than I do. I would not leave him for anything. I want to grow old with him. He is such a good man, and so loving and the greatest father to our 3 young kids. However, I find myself thinking more and more about seeking out gratification with someone else, if my man is not willing to take care of my physical needs. I don’t know if I could ever really go through with cheating. He is the one I want to be with, and the one I want to WANT ME! But I get frustrated and hurt (like all of us it seems) at the rejection and neglect. I can’t imagine a better life with someone else. Our life is so good, but the lack of physical love is painful. We’ve been together 15 years and I’ve often thought about how my youth and looks are slipping away with no one to ‘fully’ appreciate me. After reading every one of these posts I am determined to at least TRY to talk to him about this again. It’s been a long time since I gave up trying to discuss this as no solution ever comes. I appreciate the advice about supplements that might help his drive and hopfully he will be open to looking into that. Thank you all so, so, so very much for sharing your experiences. It helps greatly to know that it is not just me having a problem that I shouldn’t care so much about.

March 23, 2009 at 8:01 pm

The relationship with my wife began 28 years ago, when we became friends and lovers. Sex was an important part of the relationship, but not a dominant factor. Though I had many lovers before her, it was the time I learned to control my passions during intercourse to prolong the experience. However, it was five years before she agreed to marry me. During this time we had a good deal of ecstatic interludes as well as too many hurtful fights. It has been three years since I’ve had any kind of sex at all with my wife. The decision for celibacy was hers, not mine. And it has been the most difficult and challenging time of my life. I’ve grown a good deal, mostly due to the struggle to overcome depression, feelings of rejection, sexual deficiency, and unattractiveness.

Many things happened throughout the 25 years that led to the decline of our sexual relationship, and until three years ago I wrongly accepted almost all of the responsibility for this. All that time I never realized that she has so many issues with her own sexuality. In every instance, discussion, and argument she fully blamed me for sex that was less than perfect or even less than pleasurable. Now I realize that she was never comfortable having sex, but couldn’t admit this to herself, let alone me. She began the relationship claiming what a great lover she was; while I entered the relationship somewhat insecure about my sexuality. My real issues of abuse were only coming up at the time we met, and I acknowledged my vulnerable spots. But we worked through a lot of this, until years later she brought up issues to spite me.

From the very beginning she gave me detailed accounts of how the great sex she had with her previous boyfriend, sometimes even while we were having intercourse. I should have seen that something was wrong, that she sometimes needed the fantasy of a past lover to get aroused. But I kept coming back to her, no matter how painful the experience. And during times of extreme stress, my arousal factor was only fair at best. But I kept working at it, trying to please her sexually, at any cost. And in the end she would always climax, usually through intercourse. But I would do anything and everything to try to arouse her. And often it was difficult to arouse me, as there was virtually no touch coming from her towards me. Over the years she participated in fewer and fewer types of sexual activity. Towards the end missionary intercourse with neck kissing was the only touching. Well, you can tell the sex was not very good since our early days. And it became less and less frequent. When we first met we might have sex a couple times per week. From years 10 – 20 it was more like once a month, and sometimes once every two or three months. Ironically, the last year we had sex we did so a few times a month. And during this time I had practiced ejaculation control. And I discovered Viagra. And when we had sex she admitted it was the best sex she had since she was a teenager. The best sex with me ever. But after a couple of months of this, she stopped. Entirely, and hasn’t gone back since. She forgot that she enjoyed those last times so much. I remember them clearly because I keep a journal and even quoted passionate exclamations.

So what happened? After 27 years of being blamed for being a lousy lover, for never being good enough for her, for her always taking credit for whatever went right and blamed me for what ever went wrong, and for all the years of physical and verbal abuse she gave me, I got really down on her and the marriage; I thought it was over. And guess what? I fell in love with another woman. We became best friends first, had so much in common; spent hours and days talking and nurturing and supporting one another. And temptation came on strong. We are both in excellent physical health, and by all accounts considered to be good looking. She was in a similar relationship with her husband, abusive behavior, months on end with no sex, etc. Bam, we were both so turned on by each other we eventually gave in and participated in the most gratifying, beautiful, loving sex I ever had! We both realized we had been hoodwinked by our spouses; their efforts to keep us fearful, self-doubting, and at home. The relationship with this friend did not last, though we continue to care deeply for one another. She separated from her husband, and moved out of her house. Several months later I did the same thing. But in those in-between months I learned she had issues that I did not want to take on, so I ended the affair. However, I moved out of my house, for three months the most difficult time of my life. I was laden with guilt, felt an obligation to support my wife and her crazy emotions, and was lonely. With an ultimatum from my wife and her suggestions she would be sexual again, I moved back home to give the marriage another try. Six weeks back there now, and still no sex. And to tell the truth, how comfortable could sex with her even be? But I need to be here to resolve the issues once and for all. Not to run, but confront. I’ve learned a lot, and I do not know how it will turn out. However, I am holding onto a pleasurable vision that involves a passionate loving and healthy relationship.

March 25, 2009 at 8:21 am

i have something for the ladies here….
that have some rough times without sex….
this is a book that helps you change the sexual energy into spiritual one by doing some exercises…
it is a genious method and works for me…
and i am happy to share it with you…

Healing-Love-Thru-Tao-Cultivating

it is like making love with yourself…

March 26, 2009 at 12:12 am

iIam 46 years old, attractive, and always had a healty sex life. I have been married to my husband, 50 years old, for 10 years. in the last 2 or 3 years our sex life has been deteriorating. We have not had sex for over 18 months. Outwardly all seems ok – my husband claims to love me, is alwasy very courteous and respectful. BUT deep down he is angry, he lives his own separate life, and now refuses to have any true intimacy. He also refuses to talk about it and believes that counsellors are ‘for fools’. I can see very clearly that I have two options – I stay, for the sake of the family , and increasingly feel disenchanted , unhappy, and without the kind of intimacy and fullfillment that a relationship cna bring(and that I am so wanting to give)OR have the courage to leave my husband, deal with his anger, his tears, and his recriminations that this is my fault.

In the meantime, I have been having a relationship with another man – not that I believe that thsi relationship is going to be the answer to all my problems, but it has helped me find mself, and realize that I am not crazy for wanting affection, and great sex. I know what choice I am going to make

To those of you who think that you are too old, too scared, too resource-strapped to leava passione-less, sex-less, adn ultimately love-less marriage, I say: just think how you will feel in 20 years time and remember that unless you see signs of change, things will stay the same, only more so as time goes on.

may we all have the courage to live our life authentically.

March 26, 2009 at 12:06 pm

I am going to leave my comment in the form of a letter to my husband, I don’t consider myself to be overly picky, bitchy or lazy so don’t judge until you read it all.
Dear Hubby,
When we first met I saw a MAN who was raising his teenage child alone, who had been cheated on and abused ( according to you) and had come through it well. You took pride in the projects you worked on in your home, in yourself and your accomplishments. I LOVED that man more then I can say!!
Immediately after the I do’s, you began to ……devolve(?) into a 10- 16 year old child. I’m not even sure where it all started anymore. Was it the trust I lost in you when you screwed up several home projects that cost us thousands of dollars because you didn’t need help and I was too picky? Or the fact that you would go to work and talk about which body part you saw on my daughter and how it looked ( yes I realise they are adult but they are still my CHILDREN!!!! Maybe it was the admission on your part that you brought a $65,000 dollar college loan with you that “I thought I told you about”.
I told you when we were dating that I’m an independent person having raised 3 kids on my own for 16 years before you came into my life, you gave me absolutely no space once we were married, I couldn’t even be in the bathroom for more then 10 minutes without you knocking on the door asking if I was ok, or God forbid I even look like I’m going to the bedroom because you’d literally RUN in behind me like a 16 year old horn dog. I could go on and on but I’d just be repeating everything I’ve already told you both nicely and very nastily. How much is there to be interested in when I have to deal with your crap smears on the toilet seat that you don’t see, your 2 inch toe nails and bushes growing out of your nose that you GIGGLE about when I mention?? Am I supposed to be attracted to the pouting when you finally want to be involved in decision making or the whine in your voice when you say things like “What is there for me to be happy about”? Maybe I should want to jump your bones when you look at OUR 2 year old grandson who wants you to pick him up and say ” GET AWAY FROM ME I DON’T EVEN LIKE YOU” or maybe it should excite me when I try something new in bed and you GIGGLE like a virgin and in a high pitched voice say “WHAT ARE YOU DOING”? I don’t know what happened to the MAN I married, but I treat you according to the way you act. Between you and menopause I seriously doubt I will ever want sex again.
Like I told you at least a hundred times ” IF I WANTED ANOTHER CHILD I WOULDN’T HAVE HAD MY TUBES TIED!!!” IF I found out today that you were having an affair it wouldn’t bother me in the least. At this point I feel somewhat guilty because I know it hurts your feelings that I don’t want sex with you but since I just can’t get past your immaturity enough to want let alone enjoy sex then I guess I couldn’t fault you for looking elsewhere.
I know I’m no where near perfect but no one has to tell me to shower, brush my teeth, shave or trim, clean my messes up, I take pride in my work whatever it may be and strive to do my best with everything. I married you because you led me to believe you were the same way and apparently once you had me you no longer had to continue the farce. Now you have a mommy not a wife so deal with it!!!!!!!
Love,
Mommy

March 26, 2009 at 12:16 pm

I need to add a couple of thoughts to me “letter”. Hopefully some of you will see yourselves in it and try to do something about it before it’s too late. I’ve been dealing with my husband for about 7 years now , we’re both almost 50 and have been sexless for about 3 years now. menopause played a part in my lack of interest, but the biggest problem was/ is his total dismissal of my suggestions/ complaints. He just doesnt’ seem to understand how things like this build and build until they destroy feelings.
I seriously believe that if I called his ex today and questioned her about their 17 years of marriage during which she cheated and he went without sex for over 10 years she would tell me a lot of the same things I have experienced with him.
I made my bed and I’ll lie in it ALONE and happy

March 26, 2009 at 5:43 pm

I am in a dilemma. I am 46 been married for 18 years and have three children the eldest is disabled. My husband spent 15 years of our marriage working away returning at weekends. We have not had sex for 2 years and in the last seven years it has been about 6 times. I don’t know what to do. I had an affair a year ago and fell in love but the guy did not want a relationship. One bit of me things just get on with it sex is not everything look at all the abuse and torment in the world and I’m moaning about having no sex. Then the other part of me things I’ve got enough in my life with my handicapped child surely I deserve a bit of happiness. I like others have felt anxious, lonely all of these emotions and desparate for a man just for the closeness. My husband is a good provider, loyal, committed father. I cant make a decision whether to stay or leave! any ideas?

March 28, 2009 at 11:45 pm

As a marriage partner whose spouse claims to make love with her higher power, rather than than me, I am NOT interested in learning about someone’s path to great self love. Masturbation. That is SO FAR from reality: sexuality is God’s way of communing with through our body with another — in this reality. When somebody is more interested in masturbating than they are with sharing with another, they got a problem relating. And that is what I have been up against for several years now. At first my partner claimed the issues were with me. Then they claimed they were due to physical ailments. Now my partner claims it is for religious reasons. See the pattern? No sex is good. But this position isn’t what I believe. I think sex is good and healthy and not sinful.

It’s been more than 3 years of no sex with my spouse. One brief affair reminded me of how wonderful sex can be. And, by the way, profoundly spiritual too! Now I am trying to confront the reality of the whole relationship, all there is and all that is missing and WHY? Who knows how it will play out. I know my strengths and weaknessness. And I am trying to make a go of it with my spouse. But it takes two to tango, and two for sex, and two to make a marriage.

March 31, 2009 at 7:35 pm

(157) trishna says:

Im married – 13 yrs.
have a kid – 2 yrs old.
no sex since conception.
sex was once a month before the baby, mostly obligatory from his side.
I feel unappreciated, unloved, unattractive.
Low confidence, less self-worth than I started out with.

brought to to discussion stage regarding DIVORCE.

He doesnt want to divorce – says, “I wont let this happen to the kid”.

I want a more fulfilling life.

Just that… it isnt proving easy to take the step and do it – mostly because family have a say and they scream that it is not worth the “world outside” of marriage.

What to DO??? Help anyone?

April 1, 2009 at 11:03 pm

i feel for you. this is one of the toughest positions to be in, certainly the hardest of my life. married 27 years. no sex in three years. which is not only frustrating, it’s depressing to feel such rejection. but it is also a sign/sympton of emotional distance too. and probably a sign of your husband’s poor psychological state. and hopefully it is not a weapon. my wife uses it as a weapon. there is hope for you to become an incredibly strong person by growing through this time. and i don’t mean you have to stay to grow; simply you are getting toughened up. a good thing. keep us posted.

April 11, 2009 at 4:09 pm

I’m twenty five years old, and my wife rejects me everytime I want sex. I am over it and when the time is right i’m leaving her.

April 13, 2009 at 11:12 pm

My wife used to be an animal in bed. Over the last 12 years she won’t even let me touch her. It just happened overnight, we began hanging around a bunch of couples where the women refused to have sex, and now that is us. I begged my wife the other night just to let me touch her for a little bit, even once every three months. She told me no and to get over it. She said that maybe I needed to see a shrink and get medicated to deal with it. How sad it is to hear those words come from the woman I love and gave my life to. Now she acts like I’m a jerk because it irritates me that she sends friend requests to old boyfriends on face book and talks about other guys with her friends. No matter what I do I cannot win. I feel ugly, unfulfilled, alone, and miserable. In fact, I am 41 and I feel like my life is over, and wasted the prime of my life just trying to get my wife to look at me or acknowledge that I am at least slightly attractive to her.

April 14, 2009 at 10:36 am

Marriage and abstinence seem to go hand in hand as your your marriage goes on. My ex wife was a superfreak when we first got married but it slowly waned away. Then she got really freaky and wanted rough sex and to be raped was her fantasy. I tried to oblige but was not rough enough and she admitted to never having an orgasm over 17 years of marriage and 3 kids. I was in awe…after 4 yaers of sleeping in the back room with no chance of sex I filed for divorce. The best thing I ever did for myself. I know now that she suffers from a mental or emotional illness and I am not a therapist.

April 19, 2009 at 2:00 pm

I’m deeply saddened by reading these posts. I too am in a marriage with someone I believe to be an asexual man. He was very sexual with me in the beginning; and, it was a primary attraction for me as I grew up in a strict, and fanatically extreme Christian home where girls were taught to abstain until marriage. I dreamt that one day, “when I was married”, I would be able to have all the great sex I’d want with my husband. Not so.

I feel that he lied to me; but even more importantly, I feel that he doesn’t know that he’s lying to himself. For him, it’s such a shameful thing for a man to not have a desire for sex that even just the mention of the subject between us causes him to “freeze up”. He keeps telling me he doesn’t know why he doesn’t want sex. He says he had so much of it when he was younger and that it never resulted in a truly fulfilling relationship. He says, mostly he and his partners just used each other to get off physically, but they never had any real trusting, warm and lasting connections (even in a previous marriage). He is very jaded; and, I can’t get him to see that he’s headed down the same pathway with me by choosing this course of action. He thinks he didn’t choose it, that it’s just “happening to him.”

This situation would be easier if he was a really blunt person like some of the other asexual posters I’ve seen in this thread. If he just said “it’s too much work,” “I’m tired,” “your vagina’s too big for my penis!”, anything, something would be better than this waffling: “I want to have sex with you; but I just don’t get the urge anymore…,” “I don’t know why it’s happening…” ” I don’t want to subject myself to ridicule in a doctor or therapist’s office….” ” I’m 54 and I’m beginning to think this is just what happens when you age; I can’t help it….” “I wanted it and then suddenly I didn’t anymore.” I feel like he thinks I’m an idiot or something when he says things like this to me. They sound so dishonest. Over the years, I’ve tried to suspend judgement. As a partner, I thought it was the right thing to do– to show compassion on what seems to be a sensitive subject for him; but now, I think he’s just running a game, controlling me emotionally so I won’t leave him. I bring the subject up so much that the other day he actually told me “You make me feel like all I’m good for is sex?!” My mind was blown. I felt like i was talking to a woman. I feel myself losing respect for him, but I’m at a crossroads, biding my time until I can get out because i don’t think it’s going to change and this saddens me because everything else is so great. He’s the best roommate, provider and friend a girl could have, but I need more. I feel crazy and overwhelmed!

I’ve tried to be sympathetic and understanding for years now, but when I see that he makes no “extra-effort” to get help, see a doctor, take libido enhancement drugs, try to engage in other types of intimacy, initiate conversation with me about it, etc. I start to believe and trust him less, and less. I too, like so many others here, am resentful that in order to stay with him, I have to either be sexually frustrated/ dead, or seek physical connections outside of the marriage. I feel I should leave first before cheating, but my resolve for that is slowly fading because I’m not in a position financially to leave.

On the other side of this story, it’s not all his fault. I have to take ownership for what I’ve brought to the table. I, like many of the others here am afraid to leave and be on my own (but I’m getting better with that). I suffered much emotional, physical, sexual and religious abuse as a child causing me to break-off ties with a large extended family that absolutely hates me now. I didn’t invite them to the wedding. And, I didn’t have a wedding for a long time because I couldn’t figure out how to have a wedding without family (emotionally). He and I have been together for 15 years but only married for the last five of them. I often imagine that this family I have to let go of everyday (it was all I knew) are waiting for me to fail and it unnerves me. How do I face a world alone without the emotional support that my my husband has provided? A support group just doesn’t feel the same and I have a very hard time trusting people and creating new relationships in general. I can’t go into all of the details in this post, but I’ll say, I spent many years depressed and feeling suicidal. I’m not unstable, it was just a lot to go through and although, my husband has been steady financially and faithful through the years that I struggled with this, part of the reason my depression was triggered in the beginning was because I thought my life with him would be the cure – that I’d go happily into the sunset to enjoy my life with a new family in a healthier way. Now, no-sex equals no children, no family – a very big blow indeed. I no longer believe there is no such thing as a “saviour(s)” metaphysical or otherwise. I have to work harder at loving and saving myself. I know now that it’s self-destructive behavior to stay in a relationship that is not fulfilling things that are important to me. And, if they’re that important to me, why am I hanging around? I’m afraid! What if we’re all just really using sex as fix to ward off feelings of inadequacy, and loneliness, or just to be validated that we exist? What if it’s being used like a temporary fix for those issues? I think there is a fine line between sex that is a natural flow forward from a true mental/spiritual connection and sex that is being used to satisfy mainly pure lust and instant gratification for emotional issues and or/validation needs. I’ve been on both sides: needy and authentically caring, but mostly on the first one. I’m 42 this year and I still have a lot of growing up to do.

The good thing is that this onset of the depression I had led me to seek out therapy that I needed to get over childhood abuse/trauma
I initially went because I was trying to fix my marriage, but when I found out how much I had to fix in myself first, I kept going, alone. It made me stronger, but there is still so much to do. The years I spent depressed about my marriage and my family ruined my career. I’m back in school now pursuing a second degree in something I’ve always wanted to do and i feel more alive now. The depression is gone; but I still feel insecure about going back to work with such a large gap in unemployment. But I know now that I will overcome that. I am ready for a new life free from emotional pain and suffering (partner or no partner). In truth, part of the reason I didn’t work during my depression was because of my absolute rage for the sexless marriage. I felt forsaken and I wanted revenge. My husband’s a workaholic who works the night shift (go figure) at a major technology company. He makes a very good living. I figured if I wasn’t getting any, and he wasn’t doing anything in life but constantly working, then one of us might as well take advantage of a more leisurely existence. As I have no children and no reason for disengaging from the workforce other than the deep depression i fell into; I’m sure this was not helpful to the health of our marriage or good for building “sexually attraction”. It probably made him even less interested in being sexual, but he’ll never say that to me because he’s so disconnected from his own needs and feels that you should never tell someone exactly what you want if it may hurt their feelings. He’s like an emotional eunuch. He never talks to me about what he needs. It’s like he feels that he shouldn’t even exist. I think we were both depressed, but I’ve gotten out of mine, and he’s still in his, refusing to acknowledge that it even exists. I have since openly apologized for my voluntary dependancy but it has not changed things. When I get strong enough, mentally, emotionally and financially I will leave and start again. I am hopeful that this time I’ll be stronger and more capable of saying yes to relationships that are really healthy. I’m currently reading “Women, Sex, and Addiction” by Charlotte Davis Kasl, Ph.d and it’s helping me to know the difference between healthy sex and intimacy and the other kind that pulls you into crap you don’t want to get involved in. I highly recommend it for women and men, both sexual and asexual, as it deals a lot with the underpinnings of why people choose certain people as sex partners and the dynamics that lead to healthy connections.

This post may paint a poor portrait of me, and that’s o.k. There’s so much more to who I am. I just wanted to be truthful about my story in particular, as I am hoping there is someone else out there who might benefit from hearing about how I ended up here. I have gained so much insight from everyone else’s posts (asexual and sexual). I am grateful and appreciative and want to return the favor.

May we all find a way to experience real joy and be free from pain and suffering.

April 23, 2009 at 6:50 am

Every man who is reading this and is not married must have sex before marriage.
We are told sex is for marriage but you wait and see. you will cry in the dark that your wife just doesnt want it no matter how often you try foreplay cunnilingus and sweet words.
I used to get sex seasonaly when we were new together, now I avoid her because it hurts to be rejected all the time with no light at the end of the tunnel.
She also put the new born baby in the bed with us so the chances are zero.

April 23, 2009 at 10:09 am

I am 31 and I’ve been married for only four years but my husband stoped desiring me almost 3 month after we got married, they are days that I go to bed crying because I miss sex so much I’ve spoke to him in all the ways posible but he always makes excusses. I am really getting ill about it because I really want this to work plu s I have needs and I am still young, don’t know what o do because just by chance I got pregnant with our second child and I can see my self being 35 and acting like 70 year bitter old woman because I am becomig impossible, I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to cheat on him but what if I have to?
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

April 24, 2009 at 1:51 am

Elisa,

I’m sorry about your situation, I can really relate to it. I wish I had some definitive answer but I don’t because I’m in the same boat. But I do know this, taking care of you and your babies needs to be the number one priority. Your mental/emotional sanity and self-love is needed to be a good parent and family member. Going to sleep crying every night is heart-breaking for hear about. Try to fill some of the void by finding and doing non-self-destructive things that have nothing to do with your husband. Sometimes successfully creating joy in other areas of your life bolsters and prepares you for a difficult journey ahead which may include becoming a single parent and there is nothing easy about that decision / lifestyle. I’m assuming you’ve already tried every other route (intimacy/marriage counseling, talking with your husband about it, etc…) You are not alone…

April 24, 2009 at 2:08 am

Sort of Married,

Sex before marriage is no predictor of a partner’s future sexual behavior; and, I think your post could applies to both women and men. How can we possibly know if a woman/man will withhold sex later? That’s the question that plagues us all. In the beginning, everyone (including men) acts and talks sexier to appear more attractive and because those romance hormones are at work. Maybe the idea we have to toss is “love at first sight”. Maybe we have to spend a whole lot more time getting to know the person before making a long-term connection. I don’t know though. I’m just asking. It’s so confusing to try to understand how to approach it.

April 26, 2009 at 9:30 pm

I am glad that I am not the only one who feels this way! I have been with my man for 6 years and he has not had any sex drive for me in the past three years. He says it is not me but that isn’t the way it feels. Rejection and ugliness is attached to this very extremely and makes me feel worse about myself every day. We do have a child together which makes it even harder to decide to leave but at this point it looks to be the only solution. Being 26 and not having needs fulfilled doesn’t make any sense to me. I have tried talking to him about it and all I hear is that I am a nag and all I do is complain. He doesn’t see that I ma trying to save our relationship, apparently he doesn’t want to save it as much as I do. Another reason to get out now.

April 28, 2009 at 2:13 pm

To Renaye, you said- ‘I’m afraid! What if we’re all just really using sex as fix to ward off feelings of inadequacy, and loneliness, or just to be validated that we exist?’

“Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time,…..” corinth 7

Renaye, sounds to me YOU are on target here…even with your unhappy/unbalanced, background/childhood.
We are supposed to have this….’the marriage bed’!!…in our private life…’lest Satan tempts us’.

I am saying this to YOU, as a reminder, as I am sure you know this verse well. Hang on to it. Dont give up and blame yourself in any way for wanting your God-given right in marriage. It appears your husband has broken his vows and there is, again,….more than one way to commit adutlery.

My aunt[68]-50 years of marriage!!], who has raised several children, told me not long ago….through all the bad, bad times in thier marriage, if they had ever completely stopped having sexual relations….the marriage would have been over many years ago for the both of them.
There is something about keeping those vows that keeps marriages together….for better or for worse. Without it, it is no more than having a roommate.[unless both are in agreement]

April 28, 2009 at 8:14 pm

Have been married to this man (much younger) for 23 years, and we’ve had sex twice in the last 12 years.

He used to make awful comments to me, such as “why are you so dry”…those were my menopause years, but that didn’t matter to him….no compassion & no understanding.

After being his built in maid, cook, bottlewasher & general housekeeper, i finally told him to do all the above himself for himself.

We now go out separately for our socialization, and he still is too freaking lazy to cook for himself.

If i had known he was just looking for a mother to take care of him, i would have run as fast as i could.

Don’t take this crap from a man or woman…there’s a world out there, and many looking for someone to actually love.

April 29, 2009 at 5:07 pm

OM Gosh, Joan! You mean a younger man is NOT the answer?!

Having been married twice I am now done (altho I’m a big believer in never say never!) I believe marriage is a romance-killer. I definitely relate to what Francesca’s aunt said! Going on 10 years with no sex I have come to believe that God created sex so that men and women could STAND each other. And I have read that Bible verse to my husband on more than one occasion.

Altho my husband can be a great guy, funny, caring in his way and is financially secure we often have some very rough moments. I know that I am at times a bitch because I’M NOT GETTING ANY. If he had ever paid any attention to the last 25 years of our marriage he would see there is a direct correlation between my attitude and demeanor and having great sex. But frankly I don’t think he really gives a damn anymore; he just wants to be left alone to watch TV and check his emails every 15 minutes. It is not economically wise for me to leave him and I now think me retiring early was all a way to keep me dependent on him – MY BAD!

Most of all I am deeply akin with Renaye and her thoughts. I appreciate the name of the book she recommended as I am a woman in recovery from alcohol, being sober almost 15 years. Unfortunately alcohol is behind most of the bad decisions I’ve made in my life, including marrying a man 18 years my senior because the pre-marriage sex was unbelievable. Great sex lasted a couple years, then “good” sex for another 10 and now none because of his treatment for prostate cancer. As I mentioned in my earlier post, he is unwilling to try alternative methods of intimacy because “there’s nothing in it for him.” I try to encourage endorphins by “taking matters into my own hands” (and therefore also appreciated being turned on to the Healing Love thru Tao book which I read when he starts to snore!)

I am certainly cognizant of the fact that being of an addictive personality I may be needing this sex stuff more than someone else. I guess simply because it feels good. However, you non-alcoholic people out there set me straight if I am wrong!

Ladies and gentlemen – this sucks! But I personally am in it for the duration as I said. Again, I feel compelled to say if you are financially able get the hell outa there! I believe the lives we are living will make us physically sick from the stress which is why I saw a doctor a couple months ago and got on an antidepressant. BUT I hate that I had to do that!

May each and every one of you find the courage to change the things you can! (or accept them gracefully – altho it’s tough!)

Peace….

April 29, 2009 at 9:01 pm

Lael!! That is just what my husband said in marriage counselling. Oh yeah! He told the Dr. that HE wants the sex, but that “I” am not receptive!!!!! I near fell over. I couldnt even say a word after that because I felt so betrayed and lied to. After all the years of begging and pleading……I find out it was ‘a turn off’ to fall to that level![I guess it was in hindsight]
Now, for the last several years he sleeps in a different bed in the house….and says it is because ‘I’ dont want him there in ‘our’ bed….oh, how he twists my words!
In part, he is right. If we are only married on paper….no, I dont want him there.
So that fixes his problem!

May 1, 2009 at 11:58 am

Reading all these comments is “almost” relief in itself. I’ve been married for 12yrs, together for 15, have two children and almost no sex life anymore. Started out great but in the last 5 yrs just gotten worse and worse. I’ve talked and talked to my wife, but she just seems to block it out like theres no problem at all. I’ve suggested she visit a Dr. for hormone testing, maybe marriage counseling, but then again theres no problem. Other than no sex, she’s more than I could ask for, I still love her with all my heart. I just don’t know what to do, an affair is COMPLETELY out of the question, solo helps like a bandaid but the scratch is still there. Not sure what to do, just keep getting more and more frustrated, or just give up?

May 1, 2009 at 12:34 pm

Franchesca, this is also what my husband said – “I thought when you became a Christian in college, you just weren’t interested in sex anymore.” Unfortunately, that does not match up to reality.

GBO – That is a question only you can answer. I am divorcing my husband, but it’s a very painful process that’s taken me months to come to terms with. My husband and I tried books and counseling when were first married, then we had children, which allowed for distraction. We had talk after talk during our 18 years, but nothing ever improved. It wasn’t until I began talking of divorce that he took me seriously, and by then, I’d had enough.

My husband is also more than a woman could ask for in many respects. He is very kind and gentle – and a tremendous servant. But he’s passive and shows very little aggression. He and I also have very different views of the future. I could continue living with him, but we would always be roommates – never lovers.

I’ve talked to many people and heard so much advice – both good and bad. Ultimately though, each of us has to choose for ourselves and live with that decision for eternity.

May 2, 2009 at 1:36 am

Torn, I am saddened and also a bit glad[now that your kids are raised], that you have decided to get on with your life if you can do it financially. Its hard to be happy ‘on your own’ when you are living in basic poverty.
I believe when one with-holds the essentials/basics of life from thier partner, then the vows are broken. I think we can apply to ‘after having done all, stand’, to more than what it appears.
My husband is also has a wonderful ’servant of all’ disposition….even to me much of the time. But as I said, we are only married on paper as vows have been long broken[but he cant see it cause he is 'fine']-sleeping in separate rooms to make sure there is no chance for intimacy, for years, is NOT fine to me!

I think there comes a time when there is just nothing left. And the cost of staying is bitterness and rejection….which affects every area of ones life and relationships…..just becomes too high.
We are made to ‘cleave’ to one another…if this is never possible, to connect, there is no marriage relationship.

I would say if anyone can live like this,they definatley should, but if they cant[after unturning EVERY stone for years], then what other option is there after one has fulfilled their first responsibilities in that relationship.
Even if the lines of communication could stay open on this issue….there is still some kind of hope and reason to stay and keep working for a future.

Getting burned out- I agree with Torn on the fact only you can come to the answer. There seems to come a time where the emotional benefits of staying in a relationship where the basics of marriage are withheld- apparently on purpose?…there will come that time where it seems the decision is ‘made’ for you by the with-holding, uncommunicating partner.

May 2, 2009 at 10:40 am

(175) hopefull says:

I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and 1/2. We are trying to decide if a marriage will last without sex. I hate having to decide between the most loving emotional connection I’ll ever have and a complete lack of physical connection, or going on my own and seeing if I can ever find both. I understand that people can live without sex… but can a marriage survive without it?

May 2, 2009 at 1:28 pm

I’m 4 years married my husband 44 and I’m 29
I think sex is a part of happy married life…my husband love to sleep than to
do love making .. I want baby he like too. but he so lazy..Im just thinking maybe he is tired I’m trying to understand him..
but.. always like that.. I feel ugly.. he doesnt love me anymore .. think his my roommate and I can’t stop crying being rejected. its hurts ..to avoid self pity.. do things make me busy.. and sometimes open my computer until I feel sleepy because I can’t sleep..its makes me broken hearted..

May 17, 2009 at 12:43 pm

It is good to know I am not alone. I was married 3 years ago, got ready for our first night together and he said he was too tired, I am still waiting for that night. Next week or when I fell better is what he says. It does hurt and I cry more and more. I think of sex and imagine what it should be like. I just want to be touched. He says he thinks about it but doesn’t try because he can’t finish. I wish he would try. I am very alone, ashamed, because I have started thinking of an affair. Work has become the place I am the happiest. Home is depressing.

May 19, 2009 at 10:43 am

I am in my Mid 20’s and I have been married for 7 years and I am getting tired of being rejected.I have been pitting up with it on and off, we bouth have talked about it and she has admitted that it was her and not me. She said that we could only do it twice a week and that hardly ever happens and that last fight went bad and she said then no more sex period and I said ok lets see how much this relashinship lasts. Lately I have been thinking about a divorce more then ever, I just keep asking my self can I really live a life like this with no sex and we are bouth sllepping in sepereate rooms now we have 2 kids and thats the hard part. I love my kids so much and I already tryed everything even when we did have sex I always made sure she was pleased (2 orgam for her).I help her around the house and help with the kids and I pay all the bills, and I work about 50 to 55 HRS per week and I just don’t know what to do, I started to workout just to keep my mind of sex and I am in really good shape, but I don’t know for how long I can last with this situation.. pleae advise anyone…

May 20, 2009 at 12:45 am

sad, If you dont have kids[you didnt say], I personally can see no reason to stay in a realationship where you feel rejected, ashamed and unloved. I think the marriage vows have been broken. People dont get married just to be roomates! They get married to share things that can’t be shared anywhere else. Not saying a divorce is the answer at this point, but going away for a while[a sublet?], giving your spouse time to think about what he may lose, might be an option.
I would love to hear a testimony here of a marriage love rekindled after being broken….but I have not ever heard of it, let alone on here. But I am still holding out hope….

cf- As they say—’sex is 10% of the relationship when it is there, it turns into 90% of the relationship when it is witheld’
I too am in the same situation as you ‘cf’, and ’sad’. Still waiting many years for our ‘honeymoon’…but seemingly accepting his ‘time’, 2? times a year since our honeymoon[and only on my insistance].
I too have told my spouse, ‘this is not going to work, this wedge will drive us apart’….the decision will be made by default.
But, for the kids……
I just cant see them suffer a divorce because of ‘my’ unmet needs[not wants-NEEDS]….so I am at a standstill right now, one day at a time.
Because of the bitterness in the home after so many years of growing apart and having separate rooms, if I had the financial resources, I would certainly temporarily remove myself[and the kids] for a time for both of us to be forced into coming to terms with the potential forever loss.
It is near impossible to have a loving[in everything this means] relationship with no ‘lovin’. And to ‘put up with it’ makes one bitter and secretly hateful. Kids can sence this and their so called ‘resilience’ is only temporary….while they are young. The real impact and damage shows up later.
Things do not necessarily get ‘better’ once divorced, because there is just a new whole set of problems, usually worse[bigger] than the original-[when there are children involved].
cf- have you considered a temporary separation? Both promising not to get involved with anyone else till it is resolved?
If I had the resources, this is what I would do as I doubt this will resolve ON ITS OWN[as my spouse has promised it would]…well it has not.
The garden needs tending….weeds grow well out of control all by themselves, but the flowers need our care to not get choked out.

May 25, 2009 at 10:24 pm

I am in a sexless marriage and it is miserable. My spouse was told by her priest that since this was her second marriage and it wasn’t blessed by the church, the only way that she could receive communion was to live like brother and sister. I have found nothing in Canon Law to support this and certainly nothing in the Bible. Either the priest is incredibly ignorant, my wife is a liar or I am wrong with my point of view. Incase someone wants to play the benefit of the doubt, I don’t have affairs, and my wife is healthy.

Unless this changes and she can bring passion to the marriage in word and actions, this marriage will end soon.

May 28, 2009 at 9:35 am

Cajun, that is truely rediculous and I can see that it could potentially be the catholic priest….also sounds like she jumped on that one as some sort of strange justification to ‘excuse herself with permission’.

So….play her game….get your marriage ‘blessed’ by whatever means the priest is speaking of[re-marriage in the catholic church?], then make your decision. Divorce is HELL. Leave no stone unturned.
If you do this, you will know for sure if it is really her lack of want for you, or her religious convictions….then your heart will be free also of regret.

By the way, according to the Bible, it is apparently a sin to withhold marital relations from you spouse….as this will cause them to ’stumble’.

It is too bad that a person can/would use a Bible to justify thier own agenda….and adding insult to that….it comes second hand!!![a priest]

June 3, 2009 at 1:22 am

Ok im a 24 year old male who was forced to grow up to fast at 16, when my parents put me in rehab. Im out of rehab now. But the first time I had sex was when I was 20, with who is now my ex wife, and last time was when I was 22. Now my first girlfriend I had at 19, then married at 20 to my next girlfriend, then my last girlfriend was at 21 and lasted until I was 22. Now at 24, I dont even bother looking at women, for one its pointless, and another reason I think about how much energy, time and effort it takes to be in a relationship, and that is what turns me off. I don’t know maybe I’m burnt out or by having to grow up fast made my mind age, and priorities and needs change.

June 8, 2009 at 12:49 pm

4 times in four years, been together for 11 years. My husband tells me all the time the one thing I can do to end this marriage is cheat on him. How is it cheating? I asked him to get therapy to deal with a host of issues, and he has and it is helping with the anxiety, stress and other crap I put up with, so now the guilt is ten times worse. Plus, we have a toddler. How do you leave someone who says they are working on it? How long does he get to ‘work on it’ while I sit around feeling lonely and stir-crazy? I am so afraid I’m going to cheat, but at the same time wish I was. It’s nightmarish being stuck in your own head like this. Thanks everyone for sharing.

June 9, 2009 at 1:24 am

I am sorry to read all these. I am proud and happy to say that I am not suffering the same. I am with the same man for 3 yers now and we still do it always as if it was our first time. I wear sexy outfits sometimes to play a little and this makes our relationship fresh and new. If ever, hope God will not forbid, tht I will ever treated the same as you guys, its better to walk away than to stay married without sex. Sex is important. It is the language of two people inlove.

June 10, 2009 at 10:46 pm

I am turning 50 this year. I started dating my wife when we were 16. We married at 25 and have 2 nearly grown children. Sex has been an issue through all of our dating and marriage. I think I am a sex addict and she is a prude. Both may be far from the truth but it is fairly accurate. She makes excuses all the time… when we are married, when our house is clean, when the kids are grown, when we lose weight, and the excuses go on and on… Even after each excuse is solved, we don’t have intimacy. We now have sex a couple times a month. (I guess I should be happy for that) It has been that way since marriage. When we do have sex, it is usually because she feels it is her duty or she feels sorrow for me. It is almost never when I innitiate it. She decides when I will have sex. She achieves orgasm easily and often when we are intimate. She often says afterward that she doesn’t understand why she doesn’t do it more as she enjoys it. I always take care of her needs sexually (when we finally are intimate). She on the other hand, wants me to get finished quickly. She pressures me to quit wasting time and get it done! How romantic.
I have thought of leaving her or finding another woman on the sly, but I really care for her and don’t want to hurt her. I truly wish I didn’t want sex, but I do. I have thought of killing myself, but I don’t want to leave behind a bunch of hurting people. I often wish I could just disappear and go away. I feel stuck here and will just finish it out in misery.
Sorry for the whining.

June 12, 2009 at 4:00 pm

Did your wife grow up in a dysfunctional family, have an overbearing parent, or experience sexual abuse?

‘Women Who Love Too Much’ is an amazing book that I just finished reading. I know it seems like an odd title for one who’s not having sex, but it’s all wrapped up in not getting our needs met in a healthy way when we were children. Maybe she would talk to you about it? Or perhaps she’d just look at the book preview and see if she see’s herself:

http://books.google.com/books?id=CzAXvOjl-CoC&printsec=frontcover

June 20, 2009 at 11:26 am

This thread has been going on for over a year, with so many people writing from their hearts. I left a marriage that was so sexually empty I fell into the arms of an old boyfriend who enthusiastically courted me into an affair. He described his marriage as sexless, and if I hadn’t been experiencing the same thing I would have thought he was just saying that to ‘get’ me. At the beginning I held off from having sex with him for nearly a year while he persistently and playfully enticed me until I finally — and with much relief — gave in to his advances. Then we reveled in our lusty joy, meeting as often as possible, wherever we could find time and space. The guilt at home for me was ALMOST as difficult as the sexual emptiness with my husband had been, but the guilt was overridden with the built-up anger I had stored over a decade of sexual disinterest from my husband (as many here have said: I felt ugly, neglected, unwanted even though my husband, a very good man in every other way, did love me). I told him about the affair and he was sad (no anger expressed, no flare of passion in response to the news, just resignation) and I stayed with him, continuing (discretely, which meant lying to him about my whereabouts frequently) for about three years. Now and then I would bring up my affair to him (he never asked) and ask if he wanted a divorce (no, he did not). Eventually I moved out, bought my own house, and we have lived separately. I feel like HE should be the one to initiate a divorce, but it seems that is about as likely as my prior expectations that he should initiate sex (it was always me, if we did engage at all). My boyfriend is still married, with kids at home and although sometimes he shows up here with talk about moving out of his household and either into mine (he would be welcome, but it’s not a condition from me about our relationship continuing) or into his own apartment (I think that would be better, at least at first) … most likely he won’t leave his marriage. He feels guilty and bad sometimes, but mostly we are both quite pragmatic about the situation. We are avidly sexually interested in one another, and I’ve had more frequent and robust and wonderful sex with him than with anyone else. This affair has entered its 8th year now. I love my boyfriend deeply and our intimacy is more tender as the years go by. I would love to have a relationship that included everything ‘in one package’ — but that seems unlikely (I am 58) at this stage in the game.
My girlfriends who know about this are against it: but I think that’s as much because they haven’t met him. Nobody from the ‘outside’ of any relationship knows what it is like on the ‘inside’.

June 22, 2009 at 11:39 am

Truly a sad and poignant thread.

If you don’t mind I would like to share some decades worth of experience.
This is the second marriage for my wife and I and we share the utmost love and respect for each other – except in the bedroom. In all other aspects of marriage we take each others feeling into account but will turn the other down flatly and regularly. We both have some libido, it just rarely flares up at the same time.
We may have a “little” more sex than most of you posters but for perspective, a small amount of sex can be painful, too, as your emotions surge and ebb over the weeks and months. We are at the 12-15 times a year level. Not quite DOA in my opinion, but struggling.
I, and certainly my wife, have all those feelings described in this thread after rejection which can then be exacerbated by daily events which in turn compound a basic problem of sexual frustration and on and on. Then, there are those few times of bliss when we both say yes and the world is balanced once again. Too bad those are more infrequent as our marriage progresses in years. I like balance.
I am late 50’s, her late 40’s and for the first time we have exercised our way into a low fat and quite toned state together. She has never worn a size 4 before and my belly is fairly tight with buff shoulders, etc., etc., etc after years of neglect. Alright. Fantastic. We should be feeling good and have been enjoying each others new bodies but, unfortunately, this has had no effect in sexual frequency. (We are both much happier in general so it’s worth the effort to get and remain fit regardless)
I feel sad for all our situations but have come to terms with my own and believe the testimonials above will bear out the fact that YOU do not have to feel bad about yourself because you have been turned down for sex, be you male or female. In general your partners rejection probably has very little to do with how you look or act no matter what they are saying (if they are at all). They have the problem. This statement, of course, does not cure any issues except your personal feelings. Don’t let your partner bring you down in that way. Low self esteem is the killer of beautiful souls. Just say “f… it” and go jump out of an airplane or something. And whenever you can come together with your partner, for goodness sake enjoy it, savor it and make the best of it.
One last thing. Few of us will ever get everything we want out of life including sex on demand. Priorities and compromise will generally rule the day, BUT, in my humble opinion no one partner ever has the right to make unalateral decisions that affect the partnership in permnanent ways such as “No more sex in this marriage”, “We are moving to…”, etc. I would expect any person to walk at such total disregard.
Good luck,
BV

June 30, 2009 at 7:02 pm

Well, I am still together with my roommate (wife). As I really enjoy our “friendship”, and really hate the idea of hurting her; I decided to try counseling. I went to a psychologist.

I told him of our situation, and he decided he would rather work with both of us. So, I talked her into going… surprisingly, she went.

We have been to see the psychologist about a half dozen times so far. I am coming away feeling that he is trying to say it is all my fault. He tells me, and she says, that she is available to me and that I am wrong by being emotionally shut off to her.

So, let me ask this question… if she was physically unavailable to me for over 15 years; why would she NOW be ready to be what I need?

Am I wrong in assuming that she is only saying what she thinks I want to hear in an attempt to save our marriage. Because, after all, she is getting what she wants out of our current situation by me being here. But, I am not getting what I need… I did not marry for a “roommate”, I married so I could have a LOVER.

Is my psychologist so naive that he actually believes what she is saying? Or, am I so blinded by my years of rejection that I no longer believe her?

Any thoughts out there?

July 5, 2009 at 2:23 am

I thought that tonight might be the night, our annual night of some intimacy but I guessed wrong and that’s why I’m here. This has been going on for close to a decade and I can’t tell you how frutrated, disppointed, hurt, hopeless, angry, and confused I am. Yes, I’ve tried to communicate this to my incredible wife of more than 20 years but she just doesn’t get it. I’ve inititaed 99% of the time throughout our marriage, but any time I’ve iniiated in the last decade is often met with excuses. I’m a chicken and I do not to take another risk in being rejected once again. Si I wait for her to initiate and it simply does not happen. I can wait the rest of my life and I believe that she will never initiate, so I’m stuck. How do I cope? I guess like any male with a normal sex drive (masturbation;) but it does nothing to get close to my wife. In fact, I only get more frustrated, angrier, and actually, more blaming of my wife.SometimesI get so preoccupied with this issue that I don’t care about all the other responsibilities of life because above all else, closeness with my wife is the most important thing. I love my wife and the best way to get closeis though sex. When that’s denied night after night, something happens to the psyche in a big way.yes, I have lost big time. I am aloser, I’ll admit. But, I love my wife. I am committed to our marriage. I would never leave her. But I have no hope of having sex.Do I suck it up and tough it out? Yes, I’ve tried this but

July 7, 2009 at 2:21 am

number 14 and many others I have been married for 10 years and dated the same person for 17 years before this i love him very much but he has no interest in sex or fourplay its been like this for the last nine yrs. he has massive oscd and is on alot of depreesion meds which i understand but i feel ugly and lonely and i agree if both don’t have interest but i am loney also i have tried a few things but not tha same as love makeing this is probally wrong but i a have very good friend that is married and happy but he is helping me by telling me i am a good person and not ugly and not fat & so on but i just need more he say leave him but i love him but need more I am very lonely don’t know what to do as i have no self a steam we don’t have any contact that married couples should . very lonely

July 7, 2009 at 5:19 am

after reading many comments here i believe that many people married people they aren’t really attracted to. that explains why a husband does not want to have sex with his wife, and vice versa. they will say a million reasons as to why they don’t feel like having sex but just won’t say “sorry, i’m not attracted to you anymore.”

July 7, 2009 at 5:23 am

the answer is simple folks. you husband/wife/boyfirned/girlfriend doesn’t want to have sex with you is because he/she isn’t attracted to you anymore. they will never tell you the truth so they will instead make up a million other excuses.

the correct answer is almost always the simplest one, and it’s been starring at you straight in your face. they aren’t attracted to you.

July 12, 2009 at 10:54 am

As GC, pointed out above. i also feel that our spouses do not want to share intimacy because they are no longer or never attracted to us. With my husband rejecting me 99% of the time, stepping out with escorts, it only proves that he sees me as a partner in parenting/room mate. I only wished I would’ve known this was the way it was going to be.

July 17, 2009 at 2:11 am

(195) Lael says:

It has been a while since I posted last…not much has changed. Counseling hasn’t broken thru my Husbands walls, still mentions to the Therapist that he wants *Sex*, I say to myself(with who?)it sure isn’t with me!? Cancels more appointments than attends…always an excuse e;ll find why it isn’t worth it for us. He is a totally different talking person at the Therapists office than at home. At home, he finds fault with anything to do with sex, the talk of it, on TV and bashes how it gets displayed in the movies etc. I now find myself attracted to other men and now comment on it infront of him…to say someone is a *Hunk*…getting close to attacting on my attraction. I have waited long enough for affection, and quite frankly I just want to be happy. It just isn’t about the sex persay, it is wanting to be held, loved, romanced, be told your are attractive back etc. I am so turned off by my Husband for he hasn’t honored his vows with me in the marriage bed in 20 years. I am so tired of waiting this out, it may sound awful, but I am tired of crying, being lonely, angry & sad all rolled into one. He became this negative, witchy man, who finds fault with anything to do with sex or romance, and nothing ever meets his standards anyway. If this is Male Menopause…I am married to the poster boy!

July 22, 2009 at 12:41 pm

(196) Lindsey Lou says:

You all are crazy who say that you are happy with out sex in your life as a married couple. I have been married for a while now and right after we got married my husband had an abdominal surgery where there is always the risk of damaging nerve endings in “that area” and of course it happened to him. He has pain in that area every time we try. It is extremely emotionaly painful for both of us and very frustrating. I can’t imagine if you love your spouse that much that you can just ignore feeling like that. It is an expression of how much you love and care about each other and it is hard for me to understand how you really love that person enough if you are not willing to expose yourself and put yourself in the most vulnerable position you could ever been in with someone else. I wish we COULD be this way with each other and we can’t. You people can and you are wasting it. You don’t know what you have til it’s gone. Just imagine wanting to and not being able to at all! You need to take advantage of what you have and enjoy it, you will regret it if something bad were to happen to your spouse….

July 24, 2009 at 11:30 pm

(197) Done with it! says:

I would state how many years it has been for me, but I don’t remember. I have given up trying and frankly don’t want it anymore. At this point of my life, I now realize that sex is a hook that can just as easily ensnare you into a life of misery in a crappy, loveless relationship as it can into a happy one, and it’s a total crapshoot as to which one you get. At this point, now that my son is married and gone, my overriding desire is to get the hell out of here and spend the rest of my life free from suffocating entanglements and enjoying my two great cars, both of which give me a helluva lot more joy and fulfillment than my “partner” does. I just have to get up my nerve. I’m working on it.

I was always the one who had to try to initiate something, and as often as not was shut down. I got to where I felt like I was imposing improper, unnatural desires on my “spouse.” So I’m done. I will not seek solace with someone outside my “marriage” because I further realize that so-called “romantic love” is as much a chemical imbalance and disorder as bipolar or OCD. If you want to give in to it and let it mess up your life, more power to you. Been a sucker once, not again. My best friends are parked in the driveway and I dream every night of a life spent enjoying them and not being criticized/harassed/irritated the rest of my life. I want to be gloriously, permanently alone. Relationships are crap. Chucking them is the only way to achieve peace of mind.

July 27, 2009 at 6:56 pm

(198) Mick says:

It is sad to read that so many people are living in a marriage without any intimacy. Tomorrow, my wife and I will celebrate our second wedding anniversary, and for the second year there will be no romance or intimacy. In a month, I will celebrate 2 years of celibacy. My wife has had a few health issues and says she has no desire for sex and that “we” don’t need sex in our marriage. My wife is on anti-depressants, so there is very little hope that she will ever change her lack of desire for intimacy. She doesn’t even touch me, no kisses, no hugging, we don’t even hold hands. We sleep in separate beds. We are roommates and best friends, but not husband and wife. I feel helpless and hopeless. I’m in good shape, athletic build, healthy, educated, successful and good looking (at least I think so). Yet, I feel unwanted and undesirable. We are both in our mid forties, and I cannot believe that I am dealing with this. I have been successful in my career and starting my own businesses. In the business world, I believe I can conquer anything. But I have failed at marriage. I have failed in my relationships. I love my wife and she is a great woman, but I go to bed angry and sad. She goes about her day like there are no problems. When we talk about sex, there is an excuse but no actions. My previous marriage ended in 2002 after 8 years. I left because my ex-wife is very controlling and decided she didn’t want children after we had planned to start a family. I am either very unlucky with women or the good lord above is trying to tell me something. I am a religious man and take my vows seriously. I do not think about committing adultery. I have talked to my minister on several occasions. He wants me to give it more time, but I am not sure I can. I wonder if God is mad at me for something I did in my past and is punishing me. I’m serious. I’m not a bad guy, but I had a pretty wild side of me in college. I’m not sure what single act that I might be punished for except for my life style at the time. When I take an inventory of my life, I’m not happy. I need to make some changes and ending this marriage may be the first change.

August 3, 2009 at 7:48 pm

I hate to say, but misery loves company; and after reading comment after comment about woman feeling sexually rejected by their husbands, makes me feel comfort in knowing I’m not alone. My husband and I have no children. I’m in my early 40s now; I am also in good shape and take care of my personal appearance. He is in his mid-40s; we have been together for 16-yrs, 11 of them married. We had a great sex life for the first 8-years together and a healthy few after, but in the last 2-3 years it has dwindled to nothing… we have not had sex for 3-months!! I have tried everything including desperate pleas; the threat of affairs and divorce which I know is wrong, but when you feel as rejected, confused and as alone as I do its hard not to resort to. I feel like my youth is passing me by! All I get from him is “my body just doesn’t crave sex anymore”. I’m not a closed minded when it comes to sex and it’s not a lack of creativeness or telling him how good he makes me feel during and after. I see him look through me not at me anymore and it makes me feel unattractive and unwanted. It makes me wonder if any man would ever be attractive to me again. Outside this issue we have a great life with a beautiful home, good jobs, and lots of loving friends and family. We are always being told by other that they’re envious of our relationship and life, but they don’t see the suffering behind closed doors. Since he won’t tell anything, but “He loves me, he doesn’t want a divorce” I’m not sure what to do and feel like this is crossroad between staying in non intimate relationship as a roommate or getting a divorce before I wake a lonely 70-year old women wondering why I wasted the last little bit of youth I had…

It’s a sad reality to live with and I feel sad for everyone dealing with this; men and women.

August 4, 2009 at 9:55 am

hi. i am shifa. i am 24 years old. i am married since 3 years but i am still virgin. the problem is that i was scared of having sex…i dont know if i am still… i have been to a gynecologist. he said it was psychological. went to a psychologist..still nothing… i am glad that my husband is till with me but it really hurts me… he had sex with many girls before our marriage and says that it is not everything in life but it just hurts me… everynight before going to sleep, i wish that the next morning i wake i am no longer virgin but nothing has happened yet… it is so painful to have a life without sex.. i swear…

August 4, 2009 at 1:29 pm

please GOD send someone to help us..we really need an advice

August 5, 2009 at 8:24 am

hey “i am amazed” dont be koz someone is in a worst situation than yours… your situation is so similar to mine but you cant deny that i am worst…. 3 years and still virgin dear… anyway gud luck to everyone and hope your wishes come true… concerning the marriage councellor, please dont advise people to use seperate bedrooms…u r ruining them…

August 9, 2009 at 4:21 pm

i must thank every one of you for being so candid and honest.im 43 and single not because i hate marriage but the thought of being the reason why some other person’s life will be less than fulfilling makes me seek another model of marriage and that search brought me here.to take a vow for better for worse and to quit when the worse surfaces is not my idea of intergrity.but i want to accept everyone has his or her limit beyond which the person becomes a danger to himself or herself and to the society.when the pain is no longer endurable,a mutually agreed seperation should be explored in the first instance to see whether absence could indeed makes the heart grows fonder and ginger the other spouse interest in sex.to realy want to have sex and being unable to get it within a marriage must be hellish and it is time spouses with sexual defficiencies be conscious of the legitimate demands of the flesh and allow their spouses to seek sexual expression within mutually acceptable framework.i would rather live with a sane,sexually satisfied wife than a sexually repressed wife.who knows the extent to which a sex starved spouse will be pushed to one day if she belongs to the conservative school that onl,without warning if she/he beongs to the school that only death can end her/his misery called marriage.i submit our marital union should be flexible enough to surmount the challenges posed by the evolution of ones spouse into a personality one didnt bargain for and into a personality one could never have imagined.i love sex and i wont sacrifice my sexual health for anything within the marital context nor do i expect the woman to do so.sexual union to me is a fundamental human right and should only be abridged by mutual consent of the couple.sexless marriage must be helped by thinking outside the box and of course with prayers.

August 9, 2009 at 5:03 pm

@shifa.

since you sound very sincere,i choose to believe you are.Lose every anxiety about your situation as i have personally pray for you.expect to sleep and wake up totally free from any sexual inhibitions.renewed your mind and let your mind accept the fact that a healing has already taken place and you can go ahead and have sex without your husband.i wish i can share some experiences with you and your husband in private.always say to yourself,”i can do all things through christ who strengthens me ,CHRIST HAS NOT GIVEN ME THE SPIRIT OF FEAR BUT THAT OF A SOUND MIND’

August 14, 2009 at 3:29 pm

hi Segun. thank you so much for tour gud wishes… however do u mean that i should have sex with sm1 elz??? no… i cant do that!!! my husband is the only one i will have sex with… he has always supported me… i cant cheat him… however i have realised that i am still scared of having sex because i know that it will hurt… i also know that it may be psychological but it just doesnt go out of my head… hey fanx once more segun. hope to give u gud news at the earliest… by teh way u shud get married dear… at least u know that there is someone who u can call yours n who will be always there for u… then u will rrealise how wonderful it can be… concerning the fights they are part of life,,, gdluck

August 14, 2009 at 8:36 pm

Cajun Engr, there is a Catholic document that describes your situation, for a remarried Catholic, where the first marriage is not null, the second marriage is invalid. The only remedies are to get the first marriage declared null, separate, or there is the internal forum solution that requires living as brother-sister (no sexual relations), and is only approved when scandal can be avoided. See Familiaris Consortio item 84, from the Vatican.

August 16, 2009 at 2:43 am

In religoun is there not some form of guideline throughout them all to wait till marriage? in turn, i doubt that you are only supposed to have it on your wedding night! Scientifically… do we not have hormones and urges for a reason…those of us with enough self discipline maintain only to our spouses… In heath there is so much that sex (not promiscuous) is something to benefit from… there are only few species of creatures on this earth who have sex for pleasure (humans, dolphins, and i think only one or two more) so why limit this gift…i’m 24 and my wife is 23…i want it… she doesn’t. i fought with her earlier today and told her that if i did have sex i wouldn’t be angry and this fight wouldn’t have occured… i have sexual needs…but do not want pitty sex… she says “we’ll” work at it but seems like nothing is being done. i need the affection… but kisses are turned from and when i try to hold her she pushes me away…yet she doesn’t want me to leave… masturbation shortly satisfies me but then feel like i wasted another i could have had with her… i have a daughter that i love seeing everymorning but i’m beginning to hate my wife…i feel like i’m being punished but she assures me she’s not…that doesn’t change the fact that i’m still suffering… the only thing wrong is this… she wears provacative stuff around the house and expects me not to WANT IT?! i feel rejected and neglected… i see her sleeping next to me right now and i can feel how much i love her and yet at the same time hate her for not even attempting to satisfy her husbands needs… has anyone found a solution??? I doubt divorce is but there is no other way i’ve seen to create change… i don’t want to cheat even though it is so appealing… i would rather divorce than cheat…i owe her that much… but is there another way…has anyone seen a counselor who specializes in sex… and has it worked?

August 16, 2009 at 7:04 pm

I cried as I read this. I have been married for 18 year and have 5 kids. I am in a sexless marriage now, maybe once a month and he struggles with ED.
He says that sex is a waste of time and energy
which saddens me. The frustation and temptation has
almost ruined me in the past. He doesn’t seem to care. The OT Bible refers to a slave wife being able to leave the husband if the husband reduces his affection. I think withholding is just as bad as adultery . . . if not the cause.

August 24, 2009 at 9:50 pm

I would dearly like the chance to talk with “councilors” Dave and Jane and give them a hearty piece of my mind. Just because the two of you are sexually dead hardly means that it’s a good idea for the rest of us!

My marriage is sexless. If my wife had her way, we’d never have it again. Only though my persistence does it ever happen and then it takes about 15 to 20 rejections before an, “Ok. I guess we haven’t in a while.” I get pity sex about once every other month and honestly, I feel worse after.

Well, I’m done trying. I’m in my 30’s, I’m athletic, I’m attractive, I’m a positive person and I’m sick to death of being unilaterally sexually starved. I’ve tried to talk with her about it, but it always turns into it being either my fault or, “It’s not you, it’s me,” and that, my friends, is crap. It’s the equivalent of saying, “there is no way for you to help and I’m not interested in trying either.”

The kicker here is that we have two beautiful children and for them, I discard the notion of divorce. She was my first real love and my only, ever sexual partner, but I’m done. I’m not going to die wondering what it would be like to sleep with someone who enjoys sex. If the right person and the right situation presents, I’m taking it. I’ve made that decision.

To all you women out there who have husbands who ignore your sexual needs, I’m out there too. Just fine me. I’m a good man who’s tired of being ignored by the one who thinks there are no consequences for her inaction. All I want is some romance!

August 26, 2009 at 4:55 am

hi Max. after reading your comment i really feel like helping you. actually you can read a bit about me in the comments above. i am in a disastrous situation!i am telling you what i expect from my husband. women love to be loved and cared for. pamper her. kiss her. compliment her. boost up her self-confidence. may be her life is too monotone. when you are watching a film hug her. help her with the house work. show her that you really care for her and after some days without asking for it you will get it… i mean make it feel like something natural.. you are kissing her..and caressing her body and little by little do the rest… make her enjoy sex too because some women dont like to have sex because they dont enjoy it. i know that i may not be the right person to help you but hope that this helps! gud luck dear

August 26, 2009 at 11:48 pm

I’m not sure the problem here is sex, I think it’s actually marriage. Animals procreate with many different partners, so why are we any different? For all the ladies that feel unappreciated and unloved, when the men you are with don’t desire sex from you, it means they would like to go separate ways. They are hoping that you take the hint and do it for them. Trust me, I’m in a similar situation, and do this to irritate her to make her dislike me more in order for the breakup to be easier. Common sense really. Take it from me, cause that’s the real truth, would bet my life on it.

August 27, 2009 at 3:28 am

hey tim its not always so dear… i am not contradicting you. am sure that in many cases its such but not always. its just that some people really do not want to have sex after a certain age… and they really do not want to break their marriage… it depends…

August 30, 2009 at 6:39 pm

Over the past few years, since I decided that I do have the right to say no to sex when it isn’t right for me, I’ve been through several cycles with my husband of trying to make sex work for both of us, but it always breaks down. We’d go weeks to months without sex and then try again.

I’m post-menopausal but healthy and trim and energetic. My sex drive has always been much lower than his, but in our earlier years he wanted it twice a day. I am capable of multiple orgasms, but have often felt like he owned them and they weren’t worth having because he used them as leverage to get me to do what I didn’t really want to do sexually.

He’s out of shape and just capable of intercourse but has not been able to achieve orgasm through intercourse for about 15 years. He cannot achieve orgasm unless I do verbal role play pretending to really really want to do what he wants me to do, which is suck and swallow. Even then, it takes upwards of an hour of tedious repetitious role play while he masturbates and I get ready to take it at the end. He succeeds maybe one out of five tries. Well, did, past tense now.

For most of our marriage I thought I was obligated to comply with his verbal requests for sex (typically “It’s time” while masturbating as he walks into the room) even though he rarely made any effort to be affectionate or set the stage emotionally by spending time with me — he was always too busy working. It was like being an unpaid prostitute.

Over the years, I endured and overcame two extended major depressions and worsening health while he steadfastly refused to allow me to see a counselor or go with me to marriage counseling because it could become known to people he works with and damage his reputation. About 10 years ago I finally just went to a counselor. I was able to gradually overcome the depression and improve my health through a change in my self-image and outlook.

A few weeks ago, at the end of our last sex cycle, I finally came to my senses. This was after he finally achieved orgasm after many days of trying and I dutifully chowed down while kneeling on a pillow looking up at him. A few hours later, he approached me and offered the first genuine, freely-offered hug in years. Something clicked in my head, and I said, “if that’s what it takes for you to really want to hug me, the price is too high. I’m done with that.”

Since then, I’ve told him I’m open to every day just having intercourse and then offering my encouragement for him to masturbate afterward (but without my attendance and role play.) He is not interested. He has not touched me since that day of the hug.

So, no more sex. This is the final end, I think.

When I tried to talk with him about how we just don’t fit each other any more and that there is no real love between us so I would be happier on my own, he turned the conversation around to how he cannot function well enough to keep working at his stressful and demanding (it really is) job without me here to do household stuff for him.

He asked me why I want to leave. It said it’s because it’s stressful living with a man who doesn’t love me. He said it’s harsh for me to say he doesn’t love me. I said it doesn’t feel like love.

September 1, 2009 at 11:53 am

THANK YOU to everyone. Honestly, I feel so much better after finding this blog and reading every single post. During that time I’ve cried, chuckled, laughed and found I could related to so many others like myself.

I’m not an elegant writer in any shape, way or form nor am I experienced in sharing my feelings with others so openly on a blog (first time blogger, be gentle). But I feel like it would help relieve some weight off my shoulders to bring my own story to the table.

My wife is in her early 20’s and myself in my late 20’s. We’ve been married for 2 years and together for another year on top of that. Together we have a set of twins going on a year old.

Like so many others, we went from lovers, to marriage, to friends and now room-mates (oddly, I thought I was unique to use this term to describe my situation … glad I’m not). Our love life was great up until the honeymoon and from there it’s been on a very steep decline.

For the last 2.5 years I’ve been dealing with ‘pity sex’ on a monthly basis (if luckey) and I finally understand why ‘pity’ is making me feel worse even though this pity action leads to an amazing time for both of us.

Between the two of us, I’m the one with a normal/high sex drive, while she’s on the low/no end. I can sympathize on how hard this can be and on how it’s tearing us apart. On a side note: my drive is even slowing down (possibly from depression or maybe I’m getting older). I remember in my teenage days I would go after anything with two legs and a heartbeat (would even waive those conditions if required).

Back to being grateful; I’ve made a lot of notes from some of the more experienced individuals with the same problem and I am willing try to exhaust all possible options before this marriage ends.

Please don’t get me wrong, I love my wife, children and I think we have a great relationship – minus the main topic of the blog. But I cannot and will not be a prisoner and share in the long lasting pain that I’ve read so much of here.

I wish everyone the best of luck and I will be returning as I’ve made this blog part of my favorites.

September 2, 2009 at 6:27 am

Without sex there’s no point in marraige or dating,you might as well just have companionship with a good friend,sex is the point of marriage,you go out date have sex fall in love then marry and keep on having sex,these people who marry and don’t have sex might as well get divorced,live apart,but stay as friends.

September 5, 2009 at 6:45 am

hey logan its just like a match between your wife & your children versus sex. think well before choosing dear. both brings you different kinds of happiness… but you will have to choose only one… gud luck

September 14, 2009 at 1:28 am

I am 24 and just got married 2 months ago. I love my wife and would never ever cheat on her.She is the perfect women for me. A month into out marriage she contracted TMS. Which gives you but pains to give you a idea. We haven’t had sex in a month which is killing me. She is incredibility beautiful and very sexy. It is a metal hell to see her everyday and not have her. I want to be supportive as her husband but her TMS has no set recovery rate and may be months before we may have sex. It makes me so sad and I worry about the future happiness of our marriage and would love any advice that would help me.

September 15, 2009 at 8:33 pm

question: my relationship is perfect, except one thing. we go months without having sex. what is this about?

September 19, 2009 at 11:19 pm

hi new 24. my advice is that you just close your eyes and guess what your wife would have done if you were in such a situation and just do the same… would she have supported you or not??? would she have betrayed you and have sex with someone else? how would you have felt if you knew about it? just be sincere to yourself and choose the right option. gud luck!!!

September 22, 2009 at 5:48 pm

Some of you guys are just plain mean…greedy if I withhold sex. thank you, I guess I like being greedy, since you think with your sex drive and not with your head I’ll let you know what its like for someone who was sexually abused as a child for NINE YEARS!!!! and how the only way for us to acheive sanity was to…..not have sex. See I really didn’t want to get married, but I am a christian and even though celibacy is supposed to be a gift (considering I’m repulsed by sex in the first place) unless your a nun or something, people will constantly pressure you to get married. Then I didn’t want to have a child but it seems like that after being told for 27 years that sex is wrong, they put you in a cage called a honeymoon suite and wait for you to mate…..and then you get pregnant……and it all goes down hill from there, see the night we got married (all week actually) I threw up after having sex everytime because I felt disgusting about myself……..I spent a lot of time crying….whenever I was pregnant, I either hid the fact that I was pregnant under HUGE baggy clothes or (when I got too big to do that) refused to go out or see anyone because I didn’t want to feel like a disgusting trampy slut, I don’t see sex as a blessing of life, I see it as an animalistic way to get instant self gratification, do I need to see a therapist, proally, but I’ve seen 6 and all they can tell me is to have sex again and I’ll start to like it eventually. I wanted my husband to leave me, but he refuses, he wants to be with me and to like having sex, well I hope his hand never gets arthritic

September 27, 2009 at 7:55 am

I wish there were more comments for the “refusers” and not just the “refusees” here. Maybe I don’t want to have sex because it’s been it’s always been a source of physical or emotional pain. Unwanted pregnancy, disease, emotional blackmail, power struggles, being cheated on, or being ignored, being “guilted” into sex. All of these are part of my sexual history. My husband has a high drive, but I just don’t, and though he’s wonderful in every other way and is generally very affectionate, I feel guilty every day for not being able to satisfy his desires. Toys, porn, games, etc. make me feel worse, not better. Having sex when I don’t want to has started to make me physically ill. What do I do? Based on some of the comments here from “professional” counselors, I’m afraid to go see one.

September 27, 2009 at 8:31 am

by seeing the last comments i guess that just as jitterly says, we are being raped!!!it sounds difficult to live with that man under this situation. may be our husbands want to be supportive and it is impossible to make them feel that they are wrong. they think that with their support we will be alright. now how can we remain with our husbands and refuse to have sex with them ( refused being raped in other words!) may be its high time to explain to them about our low sex drive… about our feelings of being raped ect… if they really care, they will understand… we should tell them that we dont want sex anymore and if we want it again sometime we will let them know… however if they cheat on us we should not complain since sex is part of life and some men really cant do without it… or he will get emotional support from his wife and physical support from others… i cant tell you that my solution is the best but try to think about it… all the best!!!

September 28, 2009 at 12:30 am

Why are people so obssessed about sex? Why is the subject and thoughts of sex stuck in some people’s heads? My belief is that sex is way overrated and when studies are done people lie about frequency. In this day an age with double income families and kids and demands and stresses of life I can’t believe couples have the time or desire to have sex frequently? Most people are too tired and drained from the pressures of life. When would they possibly have time? And when one partner doesn’t want sex it doesn’t mean the other partner is no longer attractive. I think there could be a lot of other issues going on when one person is not interested. . For example I’ve been married for years and I love my husband but he has been nagging me about sex for years. He also picks fights and verbally abuses me even about dumb little things. So he totally turns me off but he doesn’t see that he himself if turning me off sex. The more he wants and nags about sex the less I want as I don’t him romantic, empathetic or caring anymore. Yet physically he has a great body and great legs…..but I can’t bring myself to have sex when I feel he is being verbally abusive of me. There is no sexual attraction then. So we haven’t had sex for years….but he still hounds me. He thinks yelling at me to try to get me to have sex will make me want to have sex. Just the opposite happens…but he hasn’t figured it out. The media and internet focus on sexuality makes people feel inadequate if we are not interested in sex. We compare ourselves to what we read as normal. How can there be a normal when in surveys people could lie about their frequency to show that they are normal. I think normal is a lot less sex then the advertisers and media make sex out to be. Do you ever see animals in nature having sex every week? Nope……I don’t think it’s natural to have sex so frequently. Years ago it was only for procreation but the sale of birth control and promisquity has made sex a true obssession with many people. People should forcus on the truly more important things in life vs. being totally consumed by sex, sexual thoughts and desires.

October 14, 2009 at 8:03 pm

OK. I would like to address the following commentors:

(213) wiser now
(220) jittery:
(221) Waiting for the joy
(222) someone who cares for all of you
(223) IT’s OVERRATED!

Each of you has good reason to feel the way you do. Being molested or sexually abused is no small matter. Feeling pressure to conform to a lifestyle you don’t want has to be a hellish experience all it’s own. Verbal abuse; dealing with a spouse who has sexual issues and has gained weight; the rigors of daily life and just plain fatigue – there are many reasons, and all of them valid as to why you all do not want sex.

However, telling those of us that do enjoy and desire sex with our partners that we are simply “thinking with our sex drive” or that “sex is overrated” is patently unfair given the posts I’ve read. And as for the (222) who feels that sex within a realtionship is equal to being raped – that is disturbing and I can’t help but feel that counseling is in order

I think all of you have the wrong idea about what this forum is about. I’ve read it through several times and NO ONE here who is on the side of those who want sex (as if we have to chose sides!), seems to push their ideas on their partners. If anything, some of the posts here are from some of the most patient, loving, caring people – many who have simply tried to show their partners physical love and have been infinitely patient by abstaining when their partners don’t return their feelings. And unlike myself, many refuse to cheat and stand by their partners.

Sex may be overrated in the media and in pop culture. But it wasn’t the media that stoked my need for sex. It was lying next to my man, night after night. Wanting to express my love and fidelity. Wanting to give him a part of myself, my very being. My need to love and be loved. My need for intimacy, warmth, sharing. A need that built in me until I was beside myself with longing and desire and unexpressed….well, let’s just say I found an outlet.

But what I found, in the end, wasn’t the love I’d been looking to share. I found a lot of good sex and worked out a lot of pent up sexual energy. What I’m still waiting for, after all this time, is love and caring – with and from the man I chose to share my life with.

The physical part of sex has been distorted for each of you – as it was for me. As a child I was molested for several years by a relative. I never went to counseling, but I was lucky. In my 20’s I discovered a very kind and caring boyfriend who was infinitely patient with me and my need to go slow or not do anything at all. Through him I learned the beauty intimacy with and without sex. And although we did not stay together, it is through his love that I developed into an emotionally stable woman able to have a healthy sex life.

But sex is not just about the physical act. Many of us have had to work through feelings of guilt, embarrassment, rejection, humiliation, bewilderment and pain at the thought of the ones we’ve chosen to love turn away from us. Add to that the daunting task of simply dealing with sheer sexual need and it’s no wonder you have so many posts here, crying out for understanding.

Understanding. It’s what we all need. That and love. Not just sex. Please don’t trivialize our need, as we would certainly never trivialize your pain.

October 20, 2009 at 5:57 am

WHOAH! WHAT A GREAT RELIEF!!

It was so much relieving to read that there are so many many souls out there who are dealing with this issue.

I am 40 male, married for 15 years, to my girlfriend of 2 years. have one girl child 12, who has special needs.

On my initiation (100%), my wife and I had sex with irregular patterns for the first 2 years as she went through bouts of medical attention. But after the child was born, she would focus her attention and life completely on the child so much so that there was absolutely no room for me or even her. We’ve had sex off and on, like once in 3 months for about 2-3 years and then it got killed. We haven’t had sex for more than 10 years now..not a single time!

In about 2 years after marriage, she stopped missing me. Over the years, she got disconnected with me. She wouldnt see her in the mirror for god’s sake. She is a stay-at-home-mom, but she lost her interest in her upkeep, wont even comb her hair, wont even dress up, wont watch her weight, all sweaty and smelly…Many years back, a GP joked to her if she has any doubts if I am seeing somebody, pointing how neatly groomed and dressed I was, implicitly noting how careless her attire was.

I used to work out plans to find time for helping her cope with grooming and fitness not to mention dates, she will find some way to postpone. Her insistence to have the baby in the same bed, didnt help either. No holidays, no movies, no entertainment!!

I used to ask her to take a bath before bedtime, she did but would sleep off in 3 seconds. I hugged and kissed her but never got back hugs, kisses and touches. People commented about sexy lingerie, lol, here I am happy if she has had a bath. I only laugh when I read that people complain they get sex only once in a while, and they mention once a week. Thats paradise, you folks! zilch here for the last 10 years!

After my marriage, I have moved about quite closely to other young and attractive women in work or otherwise, but I have never given any space to any thoughts. Howmuch ever i deal with the frustration and pain, I have always tried to communicate to her. I have sat down with her and spoken to her, (in fact begged) hours on end, about all that could be done to feel like man and wife not as room mates/business partners.

I have asked her that when I perform my duties as a man in this house, I expect a soul to be connected to when I get back. To me, sex is a manifestation of the underlying love, respect and connection. It is an offering that you give to your loved one to make her/him have a fulfilling and a satisfying life. It is a message that re-assures that you are there for your partner, when life is challenging. Finally, it is the attitude that counts and not the act. It will happen only when the underlying attitude is there.

I have respect for people who take care of themselves. In terms of upkeep, I have asked her at this age, if she cannot respect her fitness, youthful body, how can she expect another person/partner to respect her? Sex is an offering; it is an act of giving your best to somebody you love. If you are so disrespectful to yourself, what can you offer?

I have even reasoned out to her unless you bond through sex in your young age, how you can expect to reap in old age? Otherwise it will be always a one-way street.

It is not something that is impossible for her. She just chose not to do it.

Somehow, having some nice time for her was making her feel guilty, when the child was suffering.

I asked to see marriage counsellor/psychologist many times, but she always refused. She always said, ‘we will work it out’.

I have told her I appreciate that toiling with the development of the special needs child was taking her time, but she can allocate time once a week for her.

The marriage looked like an excuse. I brought her many articles and books to get her going and introduced many other parents with special needs children who also run a regular life (from the outside…! one such friend got a second child. I used to ask my wife how was it possible)

I even insisted when the child becomes an adult eventually, she needed me.

She sat and listened to my many lectures for years but nothing ever went in.

With all these, I feel cheated, short-changed, frustrated, pained, depressed, insane and in those times of the urge, feel like a sex-monster. I am fighting with myself all these years to remain sane and hold on to the commitments and values. I had not been focussed in many other ways, as well. My career took a not-so-scintillating path and I am currently finding a new job…

Outside this context, my wife is my best long time friend and no one understands me and be with me like she does. For years she has stood by me and worked out many plans and braved many a storm, financially and emotionally. She has worked tirelessly for the benefit of our child and the child is near normal and on the path of having a good life, solely because of her. I have the highest respects for that. For the lack of sex, I wouldnt want to leave her. It is ridiculously simple decision. It will kill her. Moreover, I cant be forgiven for the damage it will cause to my daughter.

For the last 2 years, I am in a new relationship with a quite a sensible girl of 26 yrs, with whom I would like to keep it going for many years. She was my classmate in my Masters that I did last year and she found me a passionate, mature and sincere loving person. She is in a not-so-passionate relationship with her boyfriend, whom she had earlier decided to marry (basically a nice guy). She was/is frustrated by the apathy from her boyfriend, who wouldnt even call her. After about an year of seeing each other, we talked about marriage but finally we concluded that we go on without marriage becoz of the obvious damage to my family. Since this relationship, I am feeling a different life. On the surface, it will look like I went to a younger woman for sex and I am in mid-life crisis etc etc, but nobody has any inkling of the frustration and pain that I went through to the extent of questioning my sanity or the kind of life energy that I get by just seeing this girl. Again I repeat, it is not the sexual act that is fulfilling but the attitude and the connection. I feel like a man, when I am with this girl.

After all these years of apathy, my wife has found my association with this girl to be extremely threatening and asked for her forgiveness. She has said ’sorry’ a number of times. I have lied to her that I am not in any relationship and assured her I will not dump her. Like those friends out there, I have built a huge wall, so high that I will not forgive or forget. For no fault of mine, I have suffered and my love towards her has been wasted. No amount of sorry will get me back my years of love and commitment to her. The opportunity is lost forever. For whatever remaining life, I will connect with a woman (my girlfriend) who is emotionally connected to me. Sex with her is fulfilling. I will do these without shying away from my duties to my wife and daughter. If this amounts to cheating, so be it.

Guys, the term ’sex’ is expressed here not in the context of sexual act alone. What is being deprived by us is ‘caring’. Hugs, kisses, even bodily rubbing and handholding is far more satisfying to the inner self which longs for companionship.

The people who have expressed their lives here are dealing with asexual spouses and their longing for being cared for and respected, is REAL. Honestly, they are dealing with these spouses, who couldnt kiss for god’s sake, with infinite patience. I cant believe some of them are living and swallowing for more than 20 years!!

The main thing to get here is none of them are sexual monsters who go on overdrive to hurt their partners. Some even mention about ‘rape’ here… i am sorry…. these are the poor souls and I belong to this group, who would somehow want them to be respected and cared for by the people whom they love most. There is no doubt, ‘walking out/divorce’ is an option almost everyone who wrote here would have thought about at some point. They have highest regards and respect for their spouses, which comment after comment, i notice they say ‘he/she is a good man/woman in every other way’. Some are even thankful to their spouses. They have realised that divorce is the stupidest thing, the most cruel thing and will cause the most damage to all the parties concerned – notwithstanding what it would cause to the children. You will have to live for another twenty or more years for it to manifest.

October 21, 2009 at 4:28 am

hi found new life. so happy with your new life??? i understand your feelings and i feel that you are doing the right thing. may be some people will pin-point you… saying that you are cheating on your wife and your child but only you know what you are going through… however may be it is your sincerity which is giving your wife the courage to look after you child. if one day she finds out that you are really cheating on her then she will be really shattered. it is not entirely her fault if she is behaving this way. imagine what parents grow through when their children have special needs… may be she wants to prove to the world that her child is normal and that nobody can pinpoint him…and as you said she is even succeeding in doing so… she may not take a bath everyday but i am sure she will always keep your child clean… she is at fault to some extent since she is forsaking her role as a wife for that of a mother but only she knows the pain that she went through when she gave birth to that child… and how she suffered when she knew that her child wouldn’t be a normal one. may be that is why she cares so much… however i understand just like any other spouse you need her too… may be its high time to be frank. insist that she take a bath before going to sleep… i mean dont offence her but make it seem like a joke like ” hmmm

what is this smell? have you cooked salted fish?” and you can give her her bath yourself… saying ok you look after the child and i will look after you… buy nice sexy night dresses for her and insist that she wears it. however as soon as you buy it dont insist on having sex. just build in the mood little by little and one day just go for it… i sincerely wish that your child gets well soon and that you will have a better life. dont worry i will pray for that. consider my advice and choose whatever you feel is appropriate. gud luck dear and a big kiss to your wife and your child. :*

October 22, 2009 at 8:35 am

October 20, 2009 at 5:57 am, (225) Found new life! says:
Over the years, she got disconnected with me. She wouldnt see her in the mirror for god’s sake. She is a stay-at-home-mom, but she lost her interest in her upkeep, wont even comb her hair, wont even dress up, wont watch her weight, all sweaty and smelly…

*******
Anytime a woman acts like this within 1 – 3 years of having a baby it’s classic post partum depression or just plain depression period.

You need to insist on counseling. Make it a condition of staying married or something serious. Your wife may have taken exceptional care of your special needs child, but she is also nursing a lot of unexpressed hurt and pain. Well actually, she is expressing it. All that lack of care for her own well-being and personal hygiene isn’t just self-neglect. It’s a cry for help and one that has been too long ignored. She needs professional help.

In the meantime, show her as much love & care as possible. I like (226) Shifa’s idea of giving her a bath yourself and buying her night things, but I wouldn’t start off w/ blatantly sexy stuff at first. Maybe matching cotton shortie sets or simple cotton nighties that are flattering and comfortable, but not overtly sexy – a little lace, but simple. You’re gonna have to start slow.

As for your relationship with your 26 year old “friend” – take it from one of the few admitted cheaters on this board – it’s so easy to get lazy with outside relationships, especially if you’re tired of the one you’re in. You start fantasizing about what you would do if they FOUND OUT and how you would just lay down the law. Or as much as you fear them finding out, you kind of wish they would – even if just to understand how far they pushed you.

The problem with that is, it doesn’t work. I’ve been through the quick talking of explaining why he’s found a certain text message or chat I should have closed and didn’t. If you plan on staying but cheating then the best thing you can do for your spouse is keep it completely hidden. No mentioning your friend, no trying to pass her off as your friend. And if there’s a “next time”, it’s better if you don’t date someone who’s single who won’t pressure you to leave or who has more time to be with you than you have to be with them. It’s better to find someone in similar circumstances.

I feel your pain. I’m still going through much of my relationship issues as well and I’m really dithering over whether to leave or not and if I do, when would be the best time to end it (I’m thinking after my daughter graduates). I tend to read this forum a lot more lately, if only to remind myself I’m not a lone. This is just my two cents but I hope it helps a little.

October 24, 2009 at 5:15 am

help me! plz help me1 i really need your help. i cant take it anymore? i am ashamed of myself. a big MARRIED girl of 24 and still virgin after 3 yrs of marriage???? isn’t it shameful???? worst of all my husband has stopped trying…. i cant blame him… more than three years and still no result…. some of my relatives know about my situation and but no one tells me anything but still i really feel ashamed in front of them. some even think that my husband is gay!!! i tell them that it is not the case and that the problem is with me but i dont think that they believe me… i am really sad and depressed. i cant cry in front of my husband because he gets angry and says that i should not worry and everything will be ok…. we had had many fights concerning many trival things but not even once has he blamed me of not satisfying his sexual needs… i dont know if its pity or its love but what i know is that he really will never agree to leave me… and neither can i…. where will i go? how will i return to my parents’ place… and as i said he will never agree to leave me…. as far as i know he had not have sex with anyone since he met me (5 years ago) though he had sex with many girls before… since the first time i have written on this blog i have been trying to get hold of myself but now i am really depressed and i cant take it anymore…. ;(

October 24, 2009 at 9:15 pm

Hey Shifa..thx for ur comments. The situation you are in is actually not that miserable. You seem genuine and here are my two cents.

As your counsellor told, it is purely psychological. There is nothing wrong being a virgin and no need to be ashamed. First loosen up your blocks in your mind. Get out of that mindset.

You need to understand something about sex. God has made this body and gave the sexuality to you to experience. It is being yourself without anxiety and inhibitions.

It is an expression of your mutual trust and mutual giving and offering, giving importance to the other’s feeling. It is not about taking anything from somebody. So when ur hubby comes to you, he wants to offer u something to make u feel great, while he is enjoying himself. It is the most natural thing.

You bet, you’re gonna enjoy it.

I am gonna give u few tips here, if u r open for it.

I dont know ur background if you had some unpleasant childhood. First, understand ur sexuality. Be yourself. When u r alone, watch your body and get comfortable with your turn ons and offs. I would suggest watching some quality porn initially, that helps to loosen up. You dont need it later. Then start initiating to get him to bed. He must have been tired taking u to bed without any success and must have given up. There is no one or correct way to have sex. Be as you are and you will find it.

Next, as you have been expecting your hubby to be…start showing to him what u want and make him feel for you.

Im repeating ur words : “i am telling you what i expect from my husband. women love to be loved and cared for. pamper her. kiss her. compliment her. boost up her self-confidence. may be her life is too monotone. when you are watching a film hug her. help her with the house work. show her that you really care for her and after some days without asking for it you will get it… i mean make it feel like something natural.. you are kissing her..and caressing her body and little by little do the rest…”.

Be this yourself to your hubby.. As you do, so u will get. If not now, def sometime later. Keep it going…

There is no way u gonna do nothing and get up the next day all problems solved!!

Hope these help. All the best!

October 24, 2009 at 9:44 pm

He should not have married me to be his beard. He should not have cheated and gotten caught and publicly humiliated me . And he should not expect me to have sex with him NOW that he has gotten me to stay for the children and to protect his image. I have no more love but he won’t leave me and he has hidden out assets. Sex? Is he crazy???

October 25, 2009 at 2:25 am

hi found new life! thank you very much for your advice. will surely give it a try. actually yesterday was really depressed and i just burst out

by the way my sweet husband went through that too… the whole day i kept on thinking how he could be faithful if he isnt having sex with me and when he came i started sulking and when he asked me what was the matter i told him that i am not sure if he is faithful or not.. he got really angry and after a big fight i told him what i was going through… and i got a big hug

and he had explained to me that sometimes he hesitates to give it a try because when nothing happens i get really sad and sometimes i even cry… poor thing he has to endure me! naughty shifa!

i love him very much and i want to give him what he is waiting for… by the way i had a very pleasant childhood. the fact is that i had always heard my friends and relatives say that it hurts when you have sex… my husband told me that it is not true but i just cant get it out of my head… i guess that i am too stubborn… once i put something in my head it is practically impossible that i forget it…. take care

November 8, 2009 at 3:51 pm

as a rev minister my heart goes out for all of you. God bless u all for not hopping into another relationship, that might be just another delusion.You can work it out. My solution is christian, Pray to the God of Sex (strange name for the inventor of sex, eh?)to help u and your mate to id the real problem. Good marriage includes good sex and is a foretaste of heaven according to the One who fixed the clitoris in the vagina and put that sensory foreskin on our penis. The purpose of these inclusions to our bodies is for daily explosive sex to relieve all our stresses we have been through. i am just succeeding in getting my mate to flow this way and i need u to cheer me on. But god has heard my prayer , we are doing it almost every other day now and am pushing for the ultimate, i just came out of hell, that is infrequent, dutiful , protocol sex, i was like some dirty beggar, your situation will change, The Father, the Son and The Holy Spirit, the originators and designers of wonderful Sex will help every married couple, Amen!

November 15, 2009 at 5:42 pm

well, i’m 40. She is 41. Married for 6 1/2 years.When sex happens it’s either very satisfying or clutzy. I hav spent money (on personal development and attraction products ) on making sure the problem is not me. Her parents dad, 92 in a home; her mom 70, at home with us is our child. I flirt regularly ith my wife and I stay upbeat and sexy. She plays along. Sometimes the passion builds. My wife is type A, and non-stop. I am in bed (available and showing it) in the 10o\clock hour She gets to bed at midnight and misses her opportunity…over and over again. She cries at times that we do not have a baby. (i’m thinking about why she does not see my obvious efforts) I make invitations for dates and outings. Obligations to her parents cancel out plans regularly. Talking about it is like separating hair from wax. Iwill masturbate to alleviate frustration(reluctantly). Don’t want be with anyone else. I mention any of this to her and she has excuses.

Tired, disillusioned, dispirited and constantly trying to stave off depression…….

November 16, 2009 at 9:17 am

Life without intimate love is like a cigarette without a light! Why Bother!
My Baby (Revised)

Where do I begin
What can I say
My baby says
She loves me anyway
She’s as sexy as can be
But mostly doesn’t want me
Except to do
Those things she doesn’t want to
I long for her embrace
Crave for her to erase
The suspicion that she
Doesn’t want any thing from me
Except for the life
Of being a wife
She says she’s happy
Comfortable with me
I say why not
It’s not about me
But she says she loves me
So I’ll make no demands
Until I go crazy or die
From a love that’s a lie

November 23, 2009 at 10:35 am

I am so glad to have found this thread! I feel like I am losing my mind and I am glad that I am not alone.

My husband is 20 years older than me. This was not a problem until after we were married nearly 4 years ago (2nd time for both of us). He went off the boil quickly and then was having probs getting it up. Eventually! (after more than a year) went to the doc and got some pills. He has used them once with me! Gives them to his friends! It is sad to know that a man can still get off without a full erection.
I got sick of trying to initiate sex and being rejected.
My husband is a good guy and a good provider. We have no kids of our own but we have wonderful grandchildren.
I have built a life with this person but find that I get so angry about petty little things. Can’t say he is my friend. I try to get to bed and asleep before him. If he beats me to bed I then dread going to bed because I tend to lay awake and I get sad and angry. I cry alot. At the drop of hat. Even at things that aren’t sad.

My husband does not realise that I feel so alone in this relationship. We hardly talk. We go out to dinner and things like that and there even little small talk. I get so jealous hearing other couples happily chatting.
I don’t know where the man I married went. I feel cheated. My mum met him before she passed away and said he was too old for me (I am nearly 40 and he has just turned 60) and she could now say “I told you so”. I thought he was in his 40’s when we met 8 years ago. He has never seemed/looked old and he still isn’t. I feel old. I feel older than dirt.

I love sex. I remember saying to my husband when we started dating that I liked sex 3 times a day 8 days a week (get the picture?). Our sex life has never been great but by goodness I miss the connection that I felt to him and how good I would feel afterward about him. So loving and tender. I miss that. I hate being Mrs Resentful and Angry.

I dream about sex often and wake up wanting to sink back into the arms of the phantom lover. I am on overdrive so badly that I even look at some women and think how hot they are. I was walking down the street one day behind a woman with long flowing blond hair and wanting to wrap my hands in it! I am not even bi and never have been. I am a ticking time bomb. The only thing that holds me back is that I am now a very fat ticking time bomb. Food helps me repress my feelings. I hate being like this. I was overweight when my husband and I met and he didn’t care. He accepted me and loved me and showed me love. Now I am way past what I was and am too scared to try to lose weight and get healthy because the more energetic I feel, the higher my libido is. The higher my libido is, the worse I feel about my marriage.

I have been to a counsellor who was really good however had to change because she was moving away and the new one was no help. She was into talking about her studies with alcohol addicted women and the way they turned their lives around. Made me feel petty and small and pathetic. Like my problems weren’t big enough for her. Last session I had I cried all the way home because I had not gotten a word in edgewise and I had so much I wanted her to just listen to.

Anyway, enough of my ramblings. Thanks to all who have posted. I don’t feel alone anymore. It is sad that there are so many of us.

December 4, 2009 at 3:55 pm

I am so glad to see that I am not alone. It was great reading the comments, but I did not find any solutions! I am wondering if we can start a different thread with solutions?

Anyway, I was married for 17 years with regular sex and it was great and normal for me. After my divorce, for alcohol reasons, I found myself single and not sexless for five. I finally decided to “tie the knot” and guess what? I guess we have sex about 4 times a year and like others, I am going crazy.

I have always been faithful, but now, I am seriously trying to figure out how to have a fling on the side, to meet my physical needs. He is not interested, could be medication, nerves, over work (he loves to work and it keeps his mind from being here/now)

After this experience, I decided that it is okay to have an affair. I do not feel a bit guilty about it. Before, I would not have dreamed of it. So, how does a woman, go about finding a person without the risk of dieases? I can only “love myself” so much. I need a real hug.

Going crazy, looking down the street.
Really folks, what happens in the real world? sexless wives? can we share a bit deeper?

Thanks

December 7, 2009 at 12:01 pm

Susan you didn’t find any solutions because the truth is, the solutions are obvious.

1. Leave your mate & find someone new who enjoys sex as much as you do.

2. Stay with your mate & cheat keeping it on the downlow.

3. Work on things with your partner hoping that they’ll have an epiphany & change – counseling, talking it out, couples retreat – most here have run the gamut. If you’re lucky, sex may increase to a level you can be happy with.

The problem is not with the practical solutions to our various problems. The problem is do we want to hurt the people love – enough to tell them, enough to leave.

And whether you do decide to stay or leave – how do you maintain a good relationship and satisfy your sexual needs.

There are no easy answers, hon. There just aren’t.

December 13, 2009 at 2:11 pm

Please, if I may ask, what is the average number of times married couples do have sex or is supposed to have sex in a week, a month and a year?

December 14, 2009 at 12:14 am

We’ve been in a loving marriage for 28 years. The sex stopped about 15 years ago, and I know that my wife’s recuperation from a stroke had a great deal to do with this. She had a fear of stroke recurrence if she experienced intense orgasm. So simply put, the act stopped and I told her when I get libidinous I will simply masturbate. This met with her approval, and unlike many weak-willed “macho” voyeurs of today, I have never strayed. Maybe they should try this approach.

December 14, 2009 at 7:41 am

@MBT – this article says that married couples have sex about 98 times per year which works out to about 8 times per month or twice a week.

Having sex less than 10 times per year is considered to be a “low sex marriage”.

Colossus – your statements are very loaded and are not in keeping with this thread, mainly because your experience is totally different from what is being discussed here.

Your are in what you describe as a “loving marriage”. Your wife has a health issue and you have chosen to accomodate her needs for no sex. And even better, both of you have openly discussed this issue and made a decision together about how to handle the sexual needs of your relationship.

Many of the people in this thread have not been so lucky. Their partner made the decision for them – or simply stopped having sex. It wasn’t a choice for both partners and from most of the posts here, many have chosen to remain loyal & faithful to their partners.

Your wife is fine with your choice of masturbation but many posts here detail a situation where their partner has stopped having sex with them and also seems to be offended by their chooosing masturbation as an outlet.

Not to mention a lot of the people in this thread aren’t just what you term “weak-willed ‘macho’ voyeurs” – there are many women in this thread who’s male partners no longer engage in sex or intimacy as well.

I think you should read this thread in it’s entirety before you blanketly dismiss what is obviously a painful issue for so many.

December 14, 2009 at 9:53 am

MBT you rely too much on statistics. Just because a survey comes up with 98 times per year is completely bogus. Did they go around asking everone in the country or world their sexual habits? Puuhleeze! And anyway what does it matter except for trivial information. By the way I have read every post. Please don’t take me for granted.

December 24, 2009 at 5:30 pm

I’m 19, a mother to a 1year old, and have been married for almost 2 years. It has been about a year and a half since the last time I had sex with my husband. I often get depressed and sad over it because not having sex makes me feel ugly, useless, and etc. I am actually the one who has been turning him down. After I had my c-section it took a couple months for me to recuperate from it. I was constantly in pain and it was hard for me to get up, walk, and do normal things. I also had an infection in my incision which delayed my recovery. After all of that I feel he never really wanted to iniciate anything with me anymore. He gives me one kiss a day when he leaves for work.. and thats it! not even a hug.. I feel as if I am not present or noticeable to him at all.. He doesn’t cheat on me.. so what’s wrong??? He’s a native of Poland, which I have heard that the Polish culture is a very cold hearted compared to American culture.. so I usually think that’s why he doesn’t even want to touch me.. I’m a warm, good hearted, bubbly person and it’s hard for me to understand him.. Can anyone here give me advice?? Please, before I go insane!

December 25, 2009 at 10:48 am

I have been married for 16 years. We have 3 lovely children.
Since the birth of our third child 6 years ago, my husband hasn’t touched me in a sexual way.
Mea culpa. I lost interest in him long before that.
He just didn’t touch me the right way. Talking has gotten us nowhere. I was left feeling frustrated and today, totally unattractive.
I like my man smalling good and I have told him so, he goes to bed sometimes without showering and for mr that’s a big turn off. But he just won’t listen and make changes. After years of feeling lonely, I had an affair. I’ve recovered my sexual being. I finally feel like a woman.I feel alive. Sex with my lover is great, and the plus side is, it’s more than just sex. He would make the long drive just to hold me in his arms. So, it’s not just about sex, it’s about tenderness, passion, feeling wanted…in a way, feeling loved.
I would divorce if i could, not to move in with the other man but to be free to love again, to live again.

December 26, 2009 at 1:31 pm

hey anonymous 19 i understand how you feel coz i feel the same way. cheer up. dont be depressed. try to talk to him about it. he does not kiss you? no problem dear! kiss him as many times you wish!i felt like you long ago but with the help of the people on this log i feel lighter now and i really want to help you. i know it is not great help but i just hope that it does help you. now SMILE as i am sure your hubby wants to see a smile on your face and no more tears

good luck!

December 27, 2009 at 12:17 pm

i am most blessed reading all the comments above.i have now accepted that marriage must be preceeded by frank and full talk and disclosures and must also be sustained through frank talk and disclosures.above all i now accept the inevitablity of changes and evolution a spouse will necessarily passes through and the constant need to renegotiate the union at the onset of every lifealtering attitude.GOD hates divorce i believe and ive come to accept also that he doesnt hate divorcees.Couples with kids going through turbulence must accept the kids must be minimally impacted by their conflicts and hence should actively seek to be seen as resolving their conflicts in a most friendly manner.it is cruel to know your spouse desires sex and you just wont go out of your way to meet that need while insisting he or she stay committed to the marriage oath.onvce the issue of kids are satisfactorily resolved to the satisfaction of the kids,a spouse must elect the consequence of his or her unwillingness to meet the spouse legitimate sexual needs.let us all srive to avoid situation that will not bring out the best in us,the scriptures enjoins us to mark the source of conflict among us and within us and avoid them.kids can notice when dad and mum are hot happy living together and earnestly seeks the option that will make their parents happy.i believe it is time spouses are warned at the marriage registry that if you dont sex or appreciate your spouse well enough,someelse will do that for you.marriage is meant to make you and your life beta.if it persistently turns you and your life into a bitter ,angry,resentful,regretful adulterer/ess,it is time to call it quit.wedlock should not be padlock.

January 1, 2010 at 2:11 pm

Sometimes it seems we have expectations of a marriage”fixing” our problems, such as, we’ll work out our love life later, it really never happens, then again being a woman so many things are working against sex, stress… by the way, sex doesn’t really remove that all that well for some of us, and yet masturbation sometimes does, then you have opposite shifts at work and although you “could” plan time together you don’t, and having a man who never initiates, that is what made me quit, as well as having no intellectual stimulation my husband is illiterate… so I gave up, it’s not been to great for me anyway as i have had horribe menstrual problems over 7 years and finally had to have a total abdominal hysterectomy. Now, I still have my ovaries so I havent had the “instant” menopause, but I have noticed a distinctive difference, even before the surgery, in how i experience orgasm, it has been getting longer and harder to “get there” & of course now I no longer have uterine contractions, but I have always had pain, still do, makes me wanna be celibate.

January 12, 2010 at 4:05 am

I recently admitted to myself that I was a sex addict. I was married twice. In my first marriage, his idea was to be swingers. It was great for me. I could go to parties and get to have sex with strangers. But when I wanted intimacy from my first husband, his idea was to begin swinging again. I wanted a man that just wanted me. So I began to cheat on him and eventually left him and married the man that I was seeing. After a few years, he stopped wanting sex as much as I did. I am sick of his comments about young women…how he would like to have sex with them..but doesn’t have the energy to have sex with me. Anyway, I have cheated on him, some he knows about and others he doesn’t. It has caused him to lose trust in me. So our sex life went away, I know that was my fault. We have worked back to being friends, but still no sex. Oh, I get he loves me, and all that, but he loves me so much, he hasn’t had sex with me in the last two months, almost three. I go through, he is having an affair, I am ugly, I am fat, I don’t deserve sex, cause what I did….etc. I am too the point that I really don’t want to live the next 30 or 40 years, I am only 54 without sex, but I won’t ever cheat on him again. I am tired of playing with myself and calling it sex. I have got to the point that I just need to keep busy, doing crafts, cleaning the house etc…to keep my mind off of sex. I would do anything sexually that he would ask me, I would love it and would want more. Maybe I am too available to make it fun for him. I am just not sure how I am going to keep living this way in a relationship. I often wonder if he would just be happier without me. I think that a marriage without sex is pretty empty and it is like the icing on the cake. We have recently starting talking and seem to be working our way back, but we never make it to intercourse. We never even get past a few kisses, he either wants to just go to sleep or pulls away. He used to want sex all the time, I guess maybe he got all that he needs. I used to be hooked on porn also, and it gives you a rush that you don’t get with real sex, even though I like real sex better. I can’t get him to see that, cause he thinks it is normal for guys to look at porn. He stays up late at night on the internet looking at porn when I am upstairs in the bedroom, it makes me feel useless and bad, cause he would rather do that, then have real sex. Right now I am so depressed on the inside, that I have to just think of other things or I am going to go crazy. I know if I cheat once, I will cheat again. I don’t want a relationship with anyone else, I would just want cheap sex with strangers, it is exciting…and I know I couldn’t quit. I do love him and don’t want to hurt him….so I go without. Sigh…all I can say is life sucks.. I am trying to lose some weight, so he doesn’t have that excuse that I am too fat…I know I can never look twenty again…but hey…I can try. Sometimes I just wish that this life would be over and I can go onto the next. What am I suppose to be learning? What did I do in my past life to deserve this? Why am I still here, if I am so miserable? I am going to say this, before I lose my courage. I keep praying that our marriage will get stronger and the sex will come back and we can be happier. Until then I guess I will be crocheting or cleaning house. Life sucks.

January 13, 2010 at 5:09 pm

I’ve married the same man twice, he was an adulterer/drinker, and there was no intimacy the first time around either between us, but that was because of cheating which caused the divorce. We were apart about a year, he started coming around more often for our son. I was trying to get my life back on track but one thing led to another and I loved him and was lonely, so we started seeing each other again. Started out ok, he made some promises and I thought that maybe we could work it out but I told him how important trust/intimacy were as a core need in our marriage and told him of the total lack of this in our first marriage, I discussed with him how hard it would be for me to trust him again, especially after the cheating. He told me that he loved me and he would do what I asked of him, which were that he be faithful, that we have an intimate and honest relationship, and that he attend church with us, my spiritual journey is very important to me and I wanted him to at least try and share that with me and our son. Well we remarried and it took about 6 months for him to fall back into his old ways, not drinking now, but I think that’s only because he found out he has diabetes, so haven’t had any sex/intimacy (can’t even hold my hand) in over a year. He told me today that he just “can’t feel anything” and it totally crushed my heart. My emotional state has been hell for the last 6 months or so but I need to and I WILL keep myself together for our child. I want to divorce him, I don’t think this is a marriage, this is more of a brother-sister relationship and it is only causing me mental and physical frustration. Hoping to get divorced and to get my head/life together so that I can be a better Mom to my son, this has destroyed me over the past few months and I have not been as good of a Mom as I could be, too wrapped up in self-pity.

January 14, 2010 at 11:50 am

I’m still trying to establish an acceptance of my sexless marriage but the logic doesn’t seem to allow me to do that. The logic entails a fact of life that a marriage that doesn’t include sex is a marriage that is deprived, therefore, the illusion of a successful marriage can’t be attained because deprivation is involved. I feel like Rene Decartes contemplating as I spend more time seeking the rationale than I do involved with actual sexual involvement which is zilch other than self gratification.
I am 66, she is 57 with no hormones whatsoever. We do maintain separate bedrooms and both feel good about that. Hormone therapy won’t work for her we have accepted that there will be no sex in our marriage. She is my best friend so if this marriage is a realtionhip of best friendship, it is the best thing we’ve ever done in our lives and we both agree to that. She tells me I am free to seek sex with others but I did read an article in a popular magazine for seniors titled “How embarrassing would it be to come down with AIDS in your 60’s”? She does not seek sex with others.
My conflicts are actually options and one is – because her condition and inability to have sex is involuntary, do I have the right to seek sex with other women? I’m not climbing the walls with all of this because of my age and also partly with the satisfaction that I’ve had alot of activity in my life, but in my deprived state, I do feel I have the right to seek others. There is stays. Whether I exercise that right or not may not be the ultimate dilemma in my life as I’m starting to recognize the value that she and I can sit down and discuss all of this. Her loving concern for our deprived state is genuine, I feel lucky.

January 17, 2010 at 6:56 pm

I recently fell in love and had my heart broken. I have yet to have sex and I have been saving it for someone really special. I thought I had met him but was crushed to find out that he had previously had sex with five other girls and did not think sex meant anything. I asked if the fact that is is special to me made it special to him and he said that it was just something he did and it was not special at all. I can’t believe someone could ever think like that and that someone turned out to be the guy I wanted more than anything. I was hoping we would get married… But I would never mean anything to him so it will never work out.

January 21, 2010 at 5:40 am

As it’s been said before, I cannot feel so comforted by all those who have shared their stories here. There’s a lot to be said about not feeling like one is the odd ball in the bunch. Thanks you all for your courage.

Mine is relatively the same. Married to a woman for six years and we’ve been together for nine. Through past experiences, she has never been comfortable with her own sexuality. Conversely, I am an extremely sexual individual who believes in his heart of hearts that there is no greater of expression of love than thru unrestrained and very passionate sexual intimacy. Naïve I was thinking that she might come around if I allowed her to go at her own pace.

What started off as once every couple weeks waned rapidly, and it picked up its pace last year. It recently culminated in an eight to nine month dry spell. Even during our anniversary getaway in the summer, nothing happened. When my birthday came around two months ago and again nothing occurred, something in me snapped. I finally came out with it that I was extremely worried about the lack of sexual intimacy between us. Her reaction was severe – a suggested separation.

After much difficulty, we managed to talk through it, with a suggested ‘Sexy-Sundays’ – a scheduled day of the week that we would put aside for those occasions – being agreed upon. It was here that I really noticed how her comfort level in regards to sex had dropped off. Mechanical would be the term I would use here, like she was just going through the motions to try to please me.

As it was mentioned before by another poster, I could not help but take it badly. Personally, I’d have rather she didn’t even initiate if her heart wasn’t in it; such an intimate activity between two people in love shouldn’t feel so forced and awkward. However, I did recognize that she was putting forth a tremendous effort to try, so I would try as well. Despite my misgivings, I forced myself to push thru the discomfort.

That lasted two weeks. In the following three, our special-day was conveniently cast to the side for whatever reasons there were. Two of them were because she wanted to work OT (as we are to take a high-priced trip at the end of 2010), the other she just plain fell asleep. There was no mention of it on her part, and I didn’t want to bring it up either. To do so would expose just how disappointed, hurt, and angry I was. This item that I felt was so important just didn’t seem to matter much to her.

Last week, I took a trip over the weekend. I had given up on our gameplan. Making matters worse, she playfully ‘goosed’ me early today… and I took it BADLY! It took everything in me to not lash out with a badly-worded protest, something amounting to her being a mean-hearted tease to grope me with no intention of following thru.

For the sake of the moment, I managed to play it off, but I’m thinking we’re in serious trouble now. It seems I have reached a point where I cannot fathom ever being intimate with her every again. I’m too scared of half-hearted efforts that make me question myself on so many levels (attractiveness, self-worth, capabilities, etc).

January 27, 2010 at 2:57 am

Its been months since I posted here. It is a relief to have a place to vent, and again listen to how others are, or are not coping with the lack of intimacy….and sex.

Its getting near 15 years of marriage here[and we are 50 years old], with the first 6 of them I was chasing him around. Then I stopped, and so did any contact between us.

Now the wall is so wide and tall between us, so much damage done, and so many years of sleeping apart…I dont know how this will ever work out, as a family. I am so bitter, hurt, and rejected that I feel as though I am no longer the mother I could have been. The depression has seemed to alter the way I think and feel.
We have 2 kids – 12 and 13, and there is never a right time for them, to make the break.
I am not even sure I could be happy again even if I left, i feel like a prisoner of sorts, and my captor holds my necessities of life….short and long term.

We have been to counselling 3 times, and he is always so agreeable with the counsellor, but always refused the ‘homework’ given…and ALWAYS got mad when I brought it up.
Each time, the counsellor appeared to give up.

I have been to counselling on my own, hoping I could change something, but no matter how ‘good’ I am and how well I keep up with my duties, I am still alone and rejected and ignored in every way.
I have asked him to leave, he just responds[when he feels like it] with ‘No, I dont think so, but you can leave whenever you like, but not with the kids’

He has great leadership? qualities, and the kids respond well. I hate to take them from this stability? -’Mom and Dad’
They appear well adjusted and reasonalbly happy.

I wish I knew what was the right thing to do as I dont want my son to be the know it all, macho man his father is, and I dont want my daughter to look for a man as cold and distant as her father.

Anyone going through or seen the same thing here?
And how has it turned out? Staying or leaving.

Thanks for hearing me out.

January 30, 2010 at 12:33 pm

The answer is simple. Everyone is different. It’s natural, normal and healthy to have a sex drive and an active sex life with your partner. It’s also ok to have no drive or desire and be celibate. It doesn’t matter what others think, or say that you should do. They’re not you. Hopefully, your partner is on the same page and is compatible with whatever you are. If you’re NOT compatible, and your partner does not cooperate with your decision, you’ve set yourself up for problems. So- don’t listen to others’ opinions about this. Follow your heart. There’s nothing “wrong” with you.

January 30, 2010 at 3:57 pm

I have not considered for a long time now that ” ‘I’ set myself up for problems”.
I felt I was the one tryng to undertand and fix the problems while he sat back waiting for me to keep up with his ‘rules of the house’.

He came from a 2 parent family, I came from a very broken home, so for the first 6 years I just went along, no matter what with his ‘plan’ of how life should go….as, ‘what did I know?, he is the one that lived out some normalcy!’

When I finally started to see[from family and friends comments] that there may be something wrong with the way he thinks and acts out…and questions as to why I had no backbone to stop the abuse….I took notice!! This gave me the confidence to really look at the bigger picture.
He had never suffered any losses before, and had no idea what his actions were leading him to—regret, abandonment, lonliness, separation……and he still does not I believe.

He blames me for not letting him live out ‘the thrill of the hunt’ when we first were dating. I had already ‘been there done that’, as I had been married before[and suffered the regret of what could have been also the 'loss'-everything] and game time was long over for me.

We were apparently on different pages and his lack of pushy-ness at the beginning, -it was very refreshing to me.
For the last 5 years I have almost devoted my life to understanding marriage, and what the original purpose and meaning was, and is….and when did it change? And, does it still work for today.

In a nutshell, one camp insists that we should not marry for this thing we ‘call’ love…..and that real love grows out of having the same long term goals.>short version

The other camp also insists that if you are not ‘in love’, with all the warm and fuzy feelings[and lustful] that go with it, it is doomed before it starts.>also short version

The first camp mentioned here has a -10% rate of failure, the second camp has a +55% rate of failure.

Oh Wisdom, balance, LOVE….where is it??

February 3, 2010 at 5:37 pm

We’re both 50 and to be perfectly honest, I’m not ready to roll over and play dead. The husband is another story. He used to love it when I initiated or went out of my way to be sexy. The last time was several years ago and I was emotionally crushed by him turning me down for some reason.

“Kid is awake.”

“Kids can hear.”

“I’m tired.”

“Not now.”

blah, blah, blah, blah. . .

(Kids are grown up and only one lives at home and hopefully will move out SOON. They know what sex is and have their own sex lives so I know they wouldn’t be shocked.)

I suggested when the kid was out of the house that he should take advantage of those moments, even if it is a 10 minute ’slam, bam, get you off my back, M’am’ moment.

Ha.

He just returned from a business trip and had plenty of time to jump me before heading off to work, but he decided that dumping dirty clothes in the hamper, drinking a cup of coffee, looking through mail, shower, smoking a cigarette and asking me stupid questions about what I was cooking for dinner was more important then physically and emotionally reconnecting after an 18 day absence before skittering off to the office.

I can only make suggestions to get a physical, hormones and other stuff checked for so long before I get tired of all of this and tell him “So Long” and I really do not want to destroy 32 years of marriage over his lack of physical interest. I’m to the point that I would rather he leave town all of the time. It is less painful being lonely that way, then it is to be lonely with the person you love under the same roof.

Yeah, I’m angry.

February 5, 2010 at 10:56 pm

This my life ! Sexless!

February 7, 2010 at 7:04 pm

Benn without sex at least 25 years.
We just quit after the kids were born. Not
anything necessary any more.
Just a quick peck on the cheek and off to sleep.
Sex isn’t all that great.

February 7, 2010 at 9:43 pm

To Paul-

Sounds like you are both in agreement of your situation.
Different from most life stories here, where only one spouse makes the decision for both.

February 8, 2010 at 4:02 am

So glad I find this article, although reading all this stuff made me sadder and sadder as I went along, it also made me face the fact that this issue will not go away. Since last night, after I spend hours reading the posting, I have been thinking that I’d rather leave. Some people put in words feelings that have been circling crazily in my mind for months…and then I wake up this morning, after another night in the arms of a phantom lover, with a sense of dread, a pit of dispair…and I watch my partner, the alarm clock goes off, he wakes, stretch, turn towards me and I hope he will say hello and give me a kiss, but he closes his eyes. Then he gets up, goes and make a coffee, comes back in the bedroom and walk around the bed, to my side and I think, a brief, fleeting hope, I think ‘he will give me a kiss, he’s coming to say hello’ but he pulls the curtains up and leave. I get up before he goes to work, in the hope to catch a gesture, a kiss, a small hug anything!!! but he strokes the cat and then he goes ,with a little smile and the dreaded perfunctory kiss. He feel like a ton of lead, I feel heavy, full of tears, and I know another day is going to hell, because I cannot resign myself to be so starved of attention, intimacy, affection, love and sex. Why should I???So I will spend hours thinking, coming up with solutions, mental chats and do not concentrate on myself, my work, my escape!!! Reading these posting made it clear to me, he chose to withdraw his affection, for whatever reasons, and I am not even been told about it, just shown the result of the decision. We have been together 23 years, no children, (guess why…) always had great attraction and great sex up to 7 years into the relationship, then after that he became very selfish sexually (no foreplay whatsoever), just him and his penis in the act, I felt left out. For a few years after that I tried to talk, explain, blah blah blah, but all I got was ‘why, what’s the matter, nothing changed, you crazy’. So slowly my brain learned that there was not much enjoyment to be had…after that, it was lovers for a few years, and pretty meaningless sex with him, but at least I found out I was still a woman. Then I decided this wasn’t right, wasn’t improving the situation, so I spent the last 13 years having unsatisfactory sex…and yet, I did put my mind at rest, I was having other things, his company,…(can’t think of many more…) affection (nearly always initiated by me), laugh, cuddles, and unsatisfactory but reassuring sex.
Now all this is declining. Since last summer, no sex at all, and now no affection either!! He will give me a small kiss with a timid smile if I ask (and I do ask), he will give me a stiff embrace if I ask, sex is not talked about…last night I caught a glimpse of us embracing in the mirror, and I felt so…clumsy, all wrapped up around this straight, stiff lampost, it looked so out of tune…
After reading the posts last night I decided I was leaving..this is living hell and does nothing for my self esteem. I keep feeling I ‘m too old, too ugly, I STINK! I read what they doto others, these affectionless, sex starved relationships and I felt the impulse to run from it…then I woke up this morning and thought about my decision and fear gripped my stomach…I feel unable to leave and unable to stay…this is living hell. Keep coming up with decision, proposals, ideas…
but really, I have no solution.

February 9, 2010 at 1:59 am

Mirabella, yes, it feels like an traumatic emotional rollercoast. I see it in many testmonies here too. You are not alone, as you can see.
Divorce is not always the answer emotionally, financially, and for all family members. Divorce, one by one, breaks down society….yet, how do we go along with with the life altering decisions others make for us without our consent?

I have tried asking my spouse what I should do about ‘my’ problem[since he thinks everything is fine on his end]. I have asked him if he could help me with this problem of ‘mine’…if he has a ’solution’ to this lonliness that only a spouse can and should fill. He never has an answered so this shows me he is probably hearing, but not listening[cause it donst interfere with his life!]

I still have children at home. If I did not, and could support myself, I would certainly leave as, after looking for every stone to unturn for answers and help, I get no understanding or reply.
This shows me he has broke his marriage vows without reason, and I feel free to leave, but I dont feel free to dissolve a family that is vulnerable-[with children].

I dont know what camp you are in, but I hope find some happiness, starting with taking outings on your own, trips with your friends, more and more time away from him–a new life while still staying with him until you see if this lifestyle of ’singleness’ works for you.

Also, maybe this will help you to know if he even cares if you are building you own life, and want to be a part of it.

I have been doing this, and my husband has no problem with it [me going away!!]as long as I find sufficient childcare before going away. This speaks volumes to me.
I am a homebody, so this is hard for me…and he knows this, but still has no feeling either way as long as childcare is ‘fair?’

Hope this has helped.

February 16, 2010 at 3:37 pm

It is crazy to live without sex after getting married. We had a very good time before getting married and from the day we got married, her interest in sex started dying. Now after 10 years of marriage, I find it remarkably difficult to make her agree to have sex. But I believe that she loves me, but all her behaviors points towards rejection of sex.

She has had few guys and had enjoyed lot of sex since her school days and I had had not. So the things seem to be very unfair for me. All her guys had left her because of some thing or the other, but I still stick with her because of somethings I still like about her.

But denying the husband of sexual pleasure, seem to be a very crazy and a bad idea. The idea of having an extramarital affair some times crosses my mind, but it is not acceptable to my mind. On the other hand, I don’t like that kind of untrustworthy and undercover relationships. I feel like killing myself quite often. What else can I do?

A life without sex after marrying a woman is the worst thing which can happen to a man.

February 16, 2010 at 6:42 pm

Go slow ran. It is the way of women who take revenge from men. Look at her family and friends. What are they doing. Are they having good relations with their husbands. What about her siblings and specially about her mother. If you explore their life styles, you will have the answer. Definitely, you have walked into a trap.

The only way you can escape is talk to her or go through a real marriage counselor. The problem might disappear if you too behave like that and ignore her. But I am sure that it is impossible.

Good luck

February 17, 2010 at 5:06 pm

Loving without having sex with your official wife is wonderful. Then you can have sex with anyone and everyone. When you are married, you are careful, and try to be very decent, specially with low performing wifes. But when your woman is not married to you, she tend to give you everything you ask and you want. She too in return want to get everything other than kids and aids. All my wifes brother inlaws have relationships outside marriage, and they are very happy and advise me to do the same. I am seriously considering it now.
you too can do the same……..

February 19, 2010 at 7:10 am

Ran, yes, after about 5 years without, I too felt like ‘what is the point of living’. But that is not just ’sex’ talking…it is rejection, and being trapped, potentially for the rest of your life with a person you cannot connect with. Sex is only 10% when you are together on this, but 90% of a relationship when it is withheld from you.
And I think that is what you are feeling, the depression of rejection.

I have tried ‘withholding’ from him for about a year or so, ot see if he would come around on his own, but no, this just seemed to make him happier!-and me sadder.

I tried a sort of shedualing in one night a week, but that was even worse because he was so ‘busy and too tired’, that it was even more rejection. He says he just cant find the ‘time’ for THAT.

I tried 3 different marriage counsellors. He always appeared to be the one with the self-control and me the angery one….until the counsellor realized that he refused the ‘homework’ they have you do during the week before coming back to the office to talk…..he said to them ”he was just too busy with hobbies and chores for that”.

There are fairly well adjusted children involved here, that certainly come before my ‘happiness’.

I have ‘asked him’ what is the solution for me as I am not happpy with this arrangement and he is a part of this relationship?….he told me to ma—-bate.
No, I said that was NOT the answer for ME as a long term way of life.

We have slept apart for several years now. And the rejection has turned me cold….’sometimes’ does not even bother me…..but the lack of connection and intamacy in general does.

The answer? I dont know, but I have decided I will do what I need to do….and to also keep this family together.

I have said to him that if things dont change and we cant talk and come to an agreement….that I feel I will ‘fall’, and step outside the marriage….and I said that it would be all his doing and choice.
Have mentioned this many times in the last year….still no communication on this.

He has pushed me too far now.

February 21, 2010 at 3:17 am

It breaks my heart to read what other people have written above, having been ripped to shreds emotionally for five years being in the same situation. At the age of 31, i simply could not face the idea of the next 10/20/30 years of my life, never being touched by a man again. The pain and humiliation of being in a marriage where your husband has no interest in touching you, where you can actually feel his revoltion at having to touch you “there”, being sick to your core at having to fight and scream and force your husband to have to sleep with you. The feeling of disgust and self hate afterwards, for being so weak again and having to need him. It got so bad that i started harming myself as punishment for wanting him. The pain of eating yourself up from the inside, dying, piece by piece, waking every morning knowing that you have reached the limits of your endurance, and then going through it all over again. Knowing that your marriage will cost you your life. Being trapped in a cage, always hoping tomorrow will be the day that it will change, and waking up a year later to realize that it has been a year without any physical contact with the man you love so deeply. I can only describe it as absolute insanity. No one to talk to without feeling dirty and shameful, like you are the one who is wrong. Most people simply find it incomprehensible…surely you must be overreacting! Dreaming of a man, any man, to just want you. I found a way out of this, and i hope with all my heart that other people who are going through what i went through find a way to take back their self respect and realise, no matter how deep the darkness seems, you have a right to be you and need what you need, and a right to live in the space that is your life.

February 21, 2010 at 9:08 am

its quite sad really to think that there are a lot of people out there who are just like me. i lay awake most nights hearing him beside me, wishing he wold touch me, feeling like a freak becasue my thoughts are consumed with y we are not having sex, not doing what a couple should do. we have only been together for five years, for the first 3 sex was amazing, it was like he had unlocked my desire, and i couldnt get enough of him, then 2 years ago i found him in bed with another woman…a one night stand!! We agreed to work through it, but things have never been the same, i feel like i have worked hard to make things work, but i wasnt the one who cheated, it should have been him who was jumping thru fiery hoops to prove to me he wanted me, its one long year now, since we had sex, since he kissed me passionately, i am 44, i am too young to give it up hell i dont want to. i feel unnattractive, ugly old, he wont tell me whats the problem, but deep down i no that he just doesnt fancy me…y else would he want someone else. We have been on romantic holidays weekends away, we have fun together, we make each other laugh….we r like friends…but i got loads of friends i dont need another one, i need my man to be my man. its sad, but i have given him an ultimatum, end of march try to sort this out, or we split, i no i have to keep to it, because if he cant be bothered to address this is a major problem, well he cant be bothered with us.

February 22, 2010 at 11:40 am

Our sex life has not been exciting. I think we found it to a chore. We love each other but thats as far as it goes. I guess we fall into the catagory of room mates, good friends, brother sister who sleep on different side of the bed. Our life has been busy, money was always tight. We worked different shifts for aout 25 years and physical sex went out the door. Didn’t miss it either and thats been approx 30 years ago. Really happy with life now.

February 23, 2010 at 1:05 pm

I just came across this site and see I am not the only one out here that is deprived. I have been sexually deprived from my wife for seven years. She did have a hysterectomy so all desire is supposedly gone. I have confronted her with every discussion possible of how this situation can be fixed, i.e, therapy, foreplay or anything. Her response is she just isn’t interested. What can I do cause I’m at the end of my rope.

February 26, 2010 at 10:05 pm

sexless marriage for a few years now, now i am seriously thinking about getting a divorce and finding a girlfriend to fullfill my needs. sex is a part of marriage, as well as emotional to. because of this i am constantly thinking about other women and that is not good. time for me to move on. apparently my wife needs a buddy not a husband.

February 28, 2010 at 7:55 pm

Well all of the postings are very interesting to read. I can sympathize with a lot of the stories. My is a little different. I was married for 12 years and I knew my ex-husband for 2 years before marriage. In the beginning we had sex regularly and it was great. I got pregnant and my sex drive changed, my husband did not understand this and would pressure me for sex. This only made me resentful towards him. It got to a point where I did not want to have any relations with him. I did not even like for him to touch me, because every touch would have to result in intercourse. He was also verbally abusive and after he would curse at me say bad things in front of our kids or my mother, he would want sex and I could not do it. I had sex just so he would shut up and stop pressuring me. One night I remember after having sex I cried because I felt so empty; there was no love or passion it was just the act of sex – but he was happy with it. I spent many months trying to figure out what to do, I did not want a marriage like that. It took many years for me to finally leave. I knew I enjoyed having sex and being intimate in my past relationships so I knew it wasn’t all me that was the problem. My ex made me feel like I was damaged and I did not like sex at all. In the end I was accused of having an affair which I did not and that was the end point for me. I have been divorced for over a year and still no new relationship. At times I feel very lonely. I have been alone for a lone time, way before my divorce I was alone. I pray for the day I find a person to have a healthy relationship with. I love sex, intimacy and passion. I think when having sex you should have a deeper connection with your partner (truly making love). To stay or leave a marriage is a hard decision, for me it was the right decision but it is not easy to be alone.

March 1, 2010 at 3:12 pm

i agree with the recent comments….i am now at the point were i have to make a decision.do i stay in a relationship where we are happy with each others company…are best friends but without any touching, hugging, closeness, feeling so lonely. or do i move on, throw it all away still feeling lonely, but at least i wont lay in bed next to the man who i love so deeply, would and have done everything for him, desperate for his affection, at least i will no exactly where i stand…no surprises, no disapointment.

March 3, 2010 at 2:15 am

OK. I was going through the same thing. I have a different
set up as far as age. I 50, my wife 60. great sex life at first and then after my daughter was born it slowed down. Not too bad, but then came my son and after that it was tough to get her to spend time making love to me. We have been married for almost 28 years and I had hit the end of the road with not having sex. I am in great shape and look very good and could not understand what was wrong. At one point I asked her if sex was important to her and she said so could live without it. Well, you can only take so much. I sent my wife an e-mail that I put together listing all the points regarding our sex life and what I do for her every day and that my love for her is strong but feel empty due to the lack of contact with her. So I told her I am leaving her and that all we have worked on for 28 years will be decide by lack of sex.
This is sad. I thought sex in a marriage is a no brainer. Well, After a come to jesus meeting with her she now understands that no sex, means no marriage. I am not going to spend my life with a lack of love that is part of being married. Well it work!! Man, just had the best sex with her ever! and she loved it. I told her after that making love to me was the best gift so could give me. It’s not always intercourse, but the physical touch that gets me going. She has agreed that if I want to be with her it is because she is me wife and I love her. She now knows that in the future I will leave if this happens again.
You really need to make you point with your spouse and hold fast to what you need in a marriage. If not there will be someone else to do what she is not welling to do.

Good luck

March 12, 2010 at 9:42 am

I would like to say that this is excellent reading. I can certainly empathise with the guys who are not seeing any of the physical aspects of their relationship/marriage. I have been married 7 years to a woman whom I love without end.. However after our wedding night (where we did not consumate) the only periods of regular (if you can call “maybe” once in 2 weeks if I’m lucky) lovemaking was during the periods of attempted procreation. The problem there was a period of intensiv 3-4 times per week and even 3 times in one day, turned back to maybe once in two weeks.. Its almost like my wife sees sex as a “dirty” or immature thing to do, unless aiming to re-produce.

The thing that sticks in my head, and maybe said in “jest” was this. “I could go the rest of my life without sex” I’m sorry if I am appearing greedy or immature myself but Jesus. How to kick a guy (with a very high sex drive) in the teeth..

I have always had a saying which my wife completely agreed with prior to being married.. Thi saying is practically prophetic..

“Sex should be about recreation and not just pro-creation!”

Problem is that this is exactly how I feel but my wife is of the opposite feeling.

I know that the pressures in life are truely demanding but if we cant find time for our respective other halves, why do we co-exist?

My final thought.. At the start of this feed, the wife who stated that she had decided on a life without sex. I’m sorry but you should take a look at yourself and ask were you looking for a life partner or a live in friend??
Thanks for reading.. I feel a touch better..

March 16, 2010 at 3:57 pm

Been married 43 years and sex in my life has been poor all our married lives. We are in opposite zones, I’m a take charge person and my husband is layed back. Some times I think I need a cattle prod to get him going. But thats just him. We totaly screwed up our sex life. I didn’t want sex on our wedding night, just wasn’t ready then I got a stomach bug on our honeymoon. I was probably my nerves. During this time husband was compassionate, and tryed to make me comfortable. I really can’t remember when we finally had sex, it probably was nothing to write home about. We managed to have two kids and then working to bring them up wasn’t a day at the beach. After they left and we had the house to ourselves the thought of sex was something we didn’t want to hear again. So we just stopped, neither of us really cared about sex. So when we think back we feel were still virgins. Maybe we had sex 3 dozen times in 43 years.

March 17, 2010 at 2:45 pm

It is nice to see so many honest people talking about something that no body wants to talk about. I have been with my wife for 36 years now and love her to death. We have not had sex for around five years, we had really great sex for many years I thought, however right before we stop it she felt that I was using her to just get off and she did not like it. She was nolested by her father at 16 years old and i think she has not got over it yet. She does not want to talk about it or for me to touch her other than in the morning before work I hug her and we kiss. We sleep in separate bedrooms as my tossing and turning bother her.
I dont know what to do, we tried being separated for a summer and got back together. We really love a care about each othe more than most couples. I am horney and feel that I want sexual fullfillment alot, have thought about finding a mistress or girlfirend or maybe another married person of the opposite sex who has a similer problem. Any ideas out there?

March 19, 2010 at 12:36 am

(276) ray cast says:

dear nobody really, i know exactly the way you feel ,, i am in the same marriage issue now

March 22, 2010 at 5:29 am

(277) Marie says:

Approaching such living is really tough. It is almost impossible for the young adults to leave without sex but old ones can do it. By the way, ‘NO’ word sometime comes with lots of negative emotions.

March 23, 2010 at 2:01 pm

(278) Amy says:

My husband and I have been in a sexless marriage now for about 30 years. Sex is so overated, my husband simply doesn’t want any sex from me or any one else, and at first I wanted sex but in time I got over it. Without it there isn’t arguements and no children. I don’t like kids.

March 28, 2010 at 12:29 pm

(279) daisy says:

I am happily married coz to the fact that I am married to my first love…but sometimes I feel, AM I really happily married???
I love my husband very much and I know that he does for me as well – that alone what keeps us of course! But as a woman have a PMDD, there’s a time of the month that I feel so sentive of my needs that I know if in terms of sexual encouters means zero… I’m all ok when I accepted that fact that whatever my man can give is all his best…but I feel sad and hurt when I know he can give more and not willing to due to reasons: medical problems that he doesn’t want to face… instead he avoided it by avoiding any sexual contact with me. AM just thankful that we still do love and enjoy and has so much of the cuddles…if without those will surely be harder for me! At once he said coz he feels he is insufficient with me – but I know and I asked him to that we have to get a medical help… him not wanting to hurts me coz it makes me feel like he doesnt care to be treated at all. Like he just wanna deal with it alone just like avoiding it! He is 45, I am 38, he doesn’t wanna go out anymore, he doesnt wanna dance…he doesn’t wanna socialize – I do love those and the good thing is he would let m go out with my lady friends and have my energy burned on dancing, karaoke, work out and as a social butterfly but that’s all I do to at least still feel am still attractive…
I hope and pray to keep our marriage forever. I love my husband so much and I wanna make him happy… but I keep trying to find technique how to get him into facing his Erectile Dysfunction.. He would get turned on by watching porn and he has been on this way for a long time before we ever get back and get married.. I feel like a normal sex of penetration doesn’t excite him anymore but watching porn and masturbating is his way to release. I know am beautifu, sexy and sensual woman… so it’s so much pain to feel the opposite when my husband doesn’t release his need with me.. I told him that next time i caught him masturbating while watching internet porn to pls don’t stop and feel guilty but rather invite me over or dont let me catch him anymore so i wont get hurt… all those very few sexual encounters happen when I asked or iniated it… of course not penetration but oral… but when I wont he wont… so i feel like am not so attractive nor do i smell bad etc. He said I always smell good… Oh i do wonder if I ever still feel good anymore! Though I know that I almost smell good… but I just get tired of insisting coz I just feel he is lazy to please me anymore… I don’t know when is the right time to approach him coz if not watching new, playing xbox or on the internet stuff I feel in between he is on those porn sites… he said, he would always give me his time if I ask for it… I said, i sometimes so craving for being desired not just being needy… I can go on and on… Bottom line, I have like this feeling of sadness and undesirable the most when am on my PMDD period… I tried to just deal with it – but how I wish that my prayers be answered soon that we have to face this matter together! Perhaps you can join me in prayers…or say, lets all pray for a blissful marriage! – craving to be desired

March 29, 2010 at 5:24 am

(280) Paul says:

I have to feel for d3dguru back in comment #20. I am almost 39 years old and haven’t had sex in almost 3 1/2 years. For that matter, I can tell you the exact dates of the last 12 times I had sex dating back to August 28, 2002, and only five of them have happened since the end of 2003. Yes, my wife has psychological and physical problems, and if I sound selfish for sounding this way, then so be it. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was almost 24, and to think that I’ve only had sex a total of seven times since my 32nd birthday is, to me, atrocious. She’s always suspicious that I’ve got a girlfriend or that I’m sleeping around, but why shouldn’t I? If she thinks that I’m being unfaithful in my marriage, maybe she should remember that we both said, “To have and to hold, till death do us part.” To me, to have and to hold does include some kind of marital activity, such as sex, and we both agreed to it. Hell, I haven’t even had it suggested to me to hook up with someone….no one seems to want me just because I’m married. Funny, no one wanted me before I was married either, except for that brief period of time when my girlfriend (who is now my wife) was attracted to me in that way. Yeah, so maybe someone is going to suggest that I get a divorce. What good would that do? Free me up so I can be a single, emotionally damaged man who no one wants. I’m just as well off being a married man who’s emotionally damaged that no one wants. I’m not exactly as handsome as I used to be, but I couldn’t have been that handsome if no one wanted me from the age of 16-23. I was always just good enough to be an arms-length friend and nothing more, and that’s all I am now. People can’t live without me in their lives, but when it comes to physical intimacy, I’m just not that kind of material to them. So I stay married and am now on day 1227 without sex (yeah, I keep a count of the number of days without sex, and in seven years, the fewest number of days without sex has been 107).

March 29, 2010 at 5:31 am

I have to leave this additional comment because I just noticed it. Every single comment, right from the very first one, has been made since the last time I had sex. The first comment, made by George H Zinn, was made on 11/29/06; the last time I had sex was 11/19/06. As for those people who have decided that they are better off without sex in their marriages…….I am not going to waste any more typing making a comment on that; just imagine what I’m thinking.

April 3, 2010 at 11:04 am

I’ve posted here several times and my advice is to Paul – do yourself a favor – go out & get laid hon. Wrap it up (i.e. use a condom) & get some.

As for me folks – I finally told him…it’s over. GC at 192 & 193 says it all. Despite all my partner says – that I’m an attractive woman, that it’s him not me – the truth is, we just don’t have it anymore. He is not attracted to me in that way and would prefer to just be “a couple” for the sake of bills & keeping up appearances to friends and family- but he doesn’t want to have sex with me.

He’s just not that into me. He would live with me until we both die, but he won’t have sex with me.

So we’re splitting up. I’m just hoping maybe I’ll find someone new to share this life and have an adult relationship with. Wish me luck.

April 9, 2010 at 1:30 am

My husband and I love each other so much. Both mid 20’s, fit and very attracted to each other. We waited till marriage to have sex, though both of us had been sexually active before we were Christians. I knew there was a problem on the honey moon. Turns out he never really thought about it until he had to because we were married. I had no idea. I feel fooled, tricked and trapped. Some how I got pregnant and have a beautiful son with him. For the last three years sex has been maybe once a month and I can count the number of times we’ve kissed, really kissed on 1 hand.

He’s just now realized that my desires are normal and that a marriage needs sex and intimacy like I need food and water. After a terrible argument if finally told Him I need a divorce if he wont see a doctor and counselor. I think he may have high functioning Autism. I’m only 25 and the idea of a life without passion or even a little fizzle absolutely terrifies me. I can’t stand for him to feel like he’s not enough if there really is no help. And he told me that no woman would want to be with him, and that he feels bad for me. I’ve never seen him cry but he said that he’s letting me off the hook, that I deserve someone who can love me in a way I can feel.
I won’t leave until I know we’ve done all we can. But I don’t have much hope and if things don’t change we agreed we should divorce before our son is old enough to remember all of this. It’s just so incredibly sad.

April 24, 2010 at 5:43 am

I’ve read every comment posted here and I feel really bad for all of you “rejected” people. I, on the other hand, am the one who rejects. I’ve being married for 15 years and I love my husband very much. But I have some issues that no counselor could help me with. First of all, I must tell you a little about myself.

I’m a 45 latino-american woman that was always very atractive. This was a problem when I was a teenager and later became a real trouble. I was raped when I was 17 for someone I trusted a lot. But this was solved in my mind and 1 year after that I had a perfectly healthy sexual life. In fact I loved sex and had lots wonderful sex with several latino boyfriends before meeting my husband. Hes’s north-american and circumcised. He’s the only circumcised mand I ever met. In the begining, I wanted to have sex with him all the time, because I loved sex. I really did. In the first 5 years of our marriage he was the one refusing me sometimes. And I have to say: horizontally speaking he’s not the best man I had. In fact, he’s not good at all in terms of sex. But I love him so much that I really wanted him to practice more and more because I strongly believed that “practice makes perfect”. And I thought that with my help he could became a great lover. Please don’t think that I made him feel incompetent. Never! I’m very experienced and clever in bed. I always made him believe he was the best lover I ever had.

Well, after 10 years I understood that our sexual life never evolved and that it realy wouldn’t be any better. No matter what I did or said, he couldn’t do better. That made feel a like a lloser. A complete fail. So I gave up. I started avoiding him sexually. Now we don’t have any sex for about 2 or 3 years. The things are the opposite now. He’s the one trying to take me to bed, but I just don’t feel like going anymore. He made me hate sex. I used to love sex, but I really can’t stand having sex with him.

He recently found out in the internet that a circumcised man have 70% less sensation in the penis than a non circumcised one. I think that maybe this is his problem. But I can’t do anything about it. I feel terrible, but I can’t.

Well, but I don’t want him to be the next guy posting here his frustration, so I’m going to wake him up right now and make love with him. This will be the first time in years. I hate to lye to him, but I cant tell him how bad he is in bed. That would destroy him. As I said before, I love my husband and If I have to pretend in bed to make him feel good, that’s exactely what I’m going to do.

That’s it. I just wanted you people to see a little bit the other side of the coin.

May 30, 2010 at 6:33 am

Hi, i am a poet, writer and philosopher. what i think about sex and love. i hope you would like to read very much. It’s truth that i feel from the heart. You should know that what is true relationship.

sex is not deeper than love. love is wonderful and great in this world.

“few are in a relationship of love not sex because they know that love is important in relationship not sex at all”

“they are deep who make such relationship based on love and i am one of them deep brother”.

“Those who have sex in relationship don’t know the value of relationship and don’t see the real beauty of relationship. they are hollow people not deep because they make relationship for sex not love and they depart their own ways at last but those who truly love each other in a relationship never depart till the end and die in each other’s arms, isn’t great.”

“Sex is not important at all in a relationship between two partners but those who think have dirty minds because they have not thought deeply why is it necessary, they simply have hunger for sex not love”

“You can never keep both the things together love and sex in a relationship because if you want love in relationship then you have to give up sex and if you want sex in relationship then you have to give up sex so it’s your choice what you want because you can’t see the beauty of love if you keep sex with it”

“If you have hunger for true love then you have no time to think of sex with the partner”

June 2, 2010 at 1:20 am

I feel for all the men and women on here that get shut out, rejected and so on. I have been married for 6 years and slowly but surely my wife has just pushed sex away. I wish now we never would have married and just lived together. I am in the same boat as a lot of you in that I find it depressing that not asking and waiting to see if it happens or asking and being turned down. It’s her she says and we do have sex about 3 or 4 times a year and I fear that the time will come when it just doesn’t happen. We have an eight year old son that is a wonderful child and a chihuahua that has become my replacement . I have talked to my wife about getting the dog (which I am very close to as well) out of the bed and onto one of her doggy beds, she is well trained and would accept it in a short time. It doesn’t happen and just gives my wife another crutch to hold onto. We are both in pretty good shape and overall I suppose a nice looking couple so it isn’t that there’s no physical or appearance attraction. I have hobbies on top of work and find that’s the only way I can keep my sanity at all. Depressing to think that in the next 10 years I may not be able to have sex who knows, and this time that could be great is slipping away. Because she’s a good Mom I think that’s the only reason she hasn’t ended this before now for fear of hurting our son as it hurt her daughter from a previous marriage. Good times are had in other activities but that huge hole in my heart remains. Unwanted, Rejected and now sadly for the first time in my life truly depressed.

June 4, 2010 at 8:37 am

While I find comfort in what I have read here, it makes me sad that the only “out” or resolution I see in these posts is ending the marriage.

Been married for 5 years, have known my husband for 11. Was always the initiator and have a very strong sex drive, but things were pretty good early on. First indicator of something being “off” was on our honeymoon when he refused – said we’d been doing it enough….ummm, yes I was very much into having ALOT of sex, but it was our honeymoon?

Anyway, everything was OK until we got pregnant 4 months later – my sex drive was through the roof but he was a little freaked about the pregnancy, so I said OK, just let me know when you are ready. I’ll never forget getting the “green light” 6 weeks after I gave birth and NOTHING happened…..and nothing happened. So sad.

We’ve been having sex maybe once every 2 months now if I’m lucky- did have another baby and now its even worse. I’m just so angry and sad- I was so mad at the second 6 week appointment when we got the green light because I thought to myself – Well, doesn’t really matter, does it? I was just so enraged and indignant.

Its been over four months since the last time we had sex and I’m just beside myself. Its great when we do it, but it just doesn’t happen very often. I own my part in this because I definitely didn’t initiate after the birth of our first child – it pissed me off that he couldn’t make the effort to initiate during a time when I was vulnerable and needed him to step up. Now, he works very hard and is seemingly always tired,so I don’t intiate – when I have he complains the next day about how I “knocked him out”, so why should I bother? More often than not I will just give him a BJ because its the least draining activity for him and it stil gets us together in some way….

I’m really at my wits end and just am so angry and sad at the same time. We’ve talked about all of this ad nauseum, so he understands where I am. He says he misses me too and that he would like to have sex more often, but it doesn’t happen. We were supposed to have “date nights” on Fridays where it was understood that we would have sex. Sounds great, right? Well, last week was the first Friday and guess what? Nothing.

I feel like I was sold a bad deal – I understand that my drive is out in the stratosphere, but I thought our sex life would be manageable, that compromises would be made. I wouldn’t have married him if I knew it would be like this – even though he’s a good man and I love him very much. Maybe I just put too much on being physical with my husband – not having sex makes me feel so unattractive, unwanted, and undesirable. Most importantly, the situation just makes me so sad, yet so angry too.

June 12, 2010 at 10:11 pm

Whenever I need a laugh (more often now that I’m stuck in a sexless relationship) I come back to read the first two comments on this page. It is completely ridiculous to live without sex. Asexual people have no right to inflict their perversion on everyone else, especially not under the guise of morals or religion. I resent their self righteous attitude and failure to accept what it means to be fully human.

June 12, 2010 at 11:20 pm

@PUSHKAR BISHT
What you said is true… for friends. But the difference between being friends and being in a marital or equivalent relationship is sex. If you have read any of the posts in this thread and still don’t understand that, you must be cold-hearted. If you ever propose to anyone, make sure to tell them exactly what you posted here.

@Maria [OT]
Your story nearly brought me to tears. Really coming to terms with the fact you’ve been genitally mutilated, lied to about it, and ostracized if you try to talk about it means facing an emotional black hole. I know because I’m a north-American male who’s cut. When I found out the truth, I spend many nights by myself emptying bottles of hard liquor, desperate to get to a state where I couldn’t feel anything, to get rid of the depression. It’s not the kind of thing you “get over.” You just have to move on and try to heal. Restoring has helped a lot. Even though it’s not 100% it’s sooo much better than it was. Now *I’m* in control, not some asshole doctor who broke his oath to do no harm.
If your husband took the initiative to research this himself, he’s sounds like a strong, intelligent man. Don’t lie to him and make him think your needs are getting met when they’re not. If he doesn’t know that you’re not getting satisfied, how will he know to try doing things differently? I wish both of you the best of luck. There ARE things you can do about it.

June 13, 2010 at 7:39 am

i know exactly how you all feel. ive been married for 7yrs now. been together for 11yrs. before we got married, we had the best sex life ever. we were at it all the time. very spontaneous sex. before we married my partner would say ‘hope our sex life always remains this healthy’.
but something changed whilst on honeymoon. i expected to have sex twice a day on honeymoon. even brought chocolate body paint, hand cuffs, sexy underwear. but didnt use any of it. honeymoon was such a let down. we probably only had sex 2 or 3 times on honeymoon. thats when i realised something was wrong. from that point i didnt feel like i could have sex a often as id like.
i tried initiating sex many time over the years but always rejected. always tried to spice thing up by wearing sexy underwear, trying something new but after a while stopped trying so hard. all this made me feel unattractive. my self estem had never been this low. before we married i use to tell him ‘i wish you were my first sexual partner’ but now i thank god i wasnt, as would have felt cheated in life. now i feel anger towrds him. we only have sex when he initiates it(which is not very often) and every time ive tried, ive been rejected. i told myself over the years, id never sleep woth him again but when he wants sex, i always give in.
sex is probably something that only probably happens once a year now. last slept together in oct 2009.
i was even more upset when i realised he watched porn on internet & tv. it made me feel like, you have no problem getting an erection with porn but not with me.
ive tried talking about this so mant times over the years. now i just sound like a broken record. feel like im always saying the same thing.
all this has made me feel suicidal after years of rejection. but the only reason i havent taken my own life, is i could hurt my family. it would be seflish of me.
i even stared drinking heavily at one stage but that is under control now.
i tried the ‘we should sleep with other people’ thing, to try and make him understand how this was affecting me but all he said was that wasnt a good idea.
he said his problem is more to do with psychological issues. he said he feels under pressure to perform and worries about not performing. i suggested him seeking medical help. even counselling. but at first he refused.
its been a year now, since we been sleeping in separate rooms. this was my idea because, when we slept in same bed, it all just seemed false. i was getting tired of trying. it was causing me to break down mentally. its only what i really wanted but was at the end of my wits.
one of the big issues is also we dont have kids. i have a cat and now treat my cat like my child. i guess i known for some time that my cat is the cloest thing id ever get to experience having a child. the problem with no sex, is that also mean no possibility of kids.
my husband finds this hard to deal with. the last few time we had sex, i know he was only doing it, to try get me pregnant. but obviously, its gonna take more than once a year for that to happen. plus i dont want to get pregnant like that. i dont want to have sex, just to get a baby.
i see my life now without kids. it really upsets me.
hardest thing about it all, is that i cant even tell those cloeset to me about my marriage issues. reason being i feel so humiliated, embarassed and ashamed, find it hard to tell anyone.
to the world, we pretend all is ok but behind closed doors, there is nothing. as we been married for 7yrs now, people now asking when you having kids. its heart breaking when they ask. i wanna tell them the truth but cant bring myself to do it. every couple i know, who married after me have got kids but not me. this really gets me down.
i know im still attractive but no thanks to my husband. i worked with a colleague and there was always something there. at first i just flirted but never took it anywhere else. because i would have felf gulity. this guy made me feel like a women. me had me realise i was still sexy. i needed a release and he was there. at first it stared with kissing only. it was this way for years. i resisted having sex but the last time we met, i finally gave in. i wish this was with my husband instead. this afair will never lead to anything other than sex(even though we have so much in common), as hes married too(happily for all i know).
i feel guilty but at the same time i feel my husband drove me to it.
know how big this problem was for us and not having children due to this, i can never forgive him for this.
few months back i told him through an email, i never want to have sex with him again. im fed up of years of trying and rejection. cant mentally cope.
communication between us on the matter is none existance. he suggested trying marrige counselling after all these years but im not sure i can be bothered any more. and part of me knows, he only now trying because he knows he may never have kids otherwise.
if i could fore see this before getting married, i would have run a mile.
why am i with him??? im not totally sure anymore. my feeling towards him have changed. wish things were different but dont want to keep hoping anymore.
because we stopped talking about this issue, we act like everything is normal but this is affecting us both.
i feel like ive lost the prime time of my sexual life. i would love to have sex every day if possible but would be totally satified with once a month or 2months but thats not happening.
there more to life than sex but without it, its soul destroying. i would never want to to happen, even to my worst enemy. i used to cry about it but since this has been going on for 7yrs now, have no more tears left.
sorry i have gone on abit but that just how i feel. sometimes we all need to release this fustration but opening your heart to the real problem sometime helps you feel bit better.
im sorry i ever met my husband. feel like i must have been a hardcore criminal in last my life. i just live in the hope that my loves ones are happy in their lifes. and i would sacrifice mine for theirs.

June 21, 2010 at 9:54 am

Hi DJ Natural,

Thanks so much for your support. In fact, after posting here my first comment, I went to the internet myself and I did a research about restauration. When I told my husband about it he was thrilled. He did a large research on the subject and bought through a website the material he would need to start his own restauration. Well, his enthusiasm lasted less than 2 weeks and he gave up the restauration process. I didn’t say anything about it because he said that he had to stop the process because he was feeling a grest unconfort and some pain. How can I ask him to go ahead with a treatment that will cause him pain and disconfort, it it is only to satisfy my needs? I couldn’t. Well, and thinking about it, what’s the point? It is too late now. I don’t have sexual desires anymore. I mean not really. For anyone. I can’t even imagene having sex with anybody. To be honest, to think about sex nowadays make me sick of the stomach. It’s that bad. Further more, we don’t have children (we never wanted to) and we will never have them, so why on earth do I need sex? I’m starting to realize that we give too much importannce for sex. But there are other great ways to have pleasure in life. We can still be happy without sex.

June 24, 2010 at 4:14 am

I wish I would’ve found this earlier. Some of the things posted are describing my exact feelings! I never thought anyone could relate to what I’m experiencing.
I’m not married, but have been in a sexless relationship for 5 years. I’m 25 and am in love with my boyfriend who is the sweetest an kindest man who shows his love for me in every way except physically. I go in circles and more circles. Sometimes I think I can live with this and other days I just feel so completely broken down and want to run away from it. I get so much attention from other men, but none from the only man I want attention from.
I found the website as I tried to look up information on sexless marriages. My boyfriend wants me to marry him, but I just dont know that I can go my entire life like this. Five years has brought me down and sometimes I wonder how I will ever recover. He treats me so well though, he’s the perfect boyfriend. How shallow of me to leave him because of sex, I feel so dirty admitting how important it is to me.
I feel like I’m at a point where I need to once and for all decide if I can live like this. Everyone calls us the perfect couple and it kills me inside. I can’t tell anyone of the situation because I don’t want anyone to judge him or to judge me for not being able to turn him on.
MY boyfriend is my best friend, he always supports me in everything, I trust him 100 percent, he makes me feel so loved emotionally, he has such a big heart and loves me just the way I am. How can I walk away from such a beautiful man simply because of sex? Everyone tells me how lucky I am and I smile and I cry inside.
What do I do if he proposes.. its only a matter of time and I sit here wondering if I’ll be making a mistake by saying yes.

July 21, 2010 at 7:47 pm

There are many reasons I am sure why one partner does not want sex any more some medical but mostly I believe it is a sign of how one feels about themselves or the relationship. I have been married for 20+ years and I know my husband is frustrated that we don’t have regular sex. I would like to have sex, good sex. However my husband is for the most part emotionally incapable and most days does not so much as give me a kiss, it is all or nothing so if there is not groping and followed by sex he can’t be bothered. He gives me no support in any other area of my life and after year of trying to ignore this and give in to disappointing sex just to keep him in a good/reasonable mood I have had enough and just cannot do it anymore as it just leaves me feeling empty and alone and bitterly disappointed. There is also another component to both the lack of wanting to have sex and why it is disappointing is that he is morbidly obese which I accept is his choice but I cannot find it a turn on. I am very much into health and sport and keep myself fit so yes he is turned on but where is my turn on factor in all of this????? why can he not see this???

August 1, 2010 at 6:40 am

To Losing hope

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN!

I am in the exact same situation but after 14 years, I’m stuck. You have the opportunity to change it. Don’t let his kindness, money issues or anything else stop you from GETTING OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP.

When my daughter was young she asked me if sex is “dirty”. I told her no, sex is “private”. She asked me what was the difference. I asked her, “Do you take a bath or get dressed in front of the whole family?” And of course she said no. I asked her why? And she said, “Well that’s just for me!” Even at the age of 6, she had a sense of privacy. So I asked her, “Why do we close the door when we go to the bathroom?” And she said, “Because that’s my business!” And I told her exactly – everyone knows what a naked body looks like and everyone knows what goes on in the bathroom – it’s just a part of living – but some things we simply like to do in private.

I’m telling you this long story to say that sex is not DIRTY. And you don’t have to feel dirty for wanting it or even needing it. We learn to accept our menstrual cycles and cramps but we aren’t taught that natural sexual feelings are a part of the entire cycle as well.

What you’re feeling isn’t just a want, it’s a need. A biological desire. And this man is refusing to meet a need you will have for a long time to come. Many people continue having sex well into their 70’s or 80’s. Even if it’s not intercourse, they may well express their sexual desires in other ways. Maybe not as frequently as when they were young, but the desire for intimacy and physical expression are still there!

Do you really want to spend that much time in a relationship with a man who does not share the same level of interest in sex as you do?

Get out of this relationship before it’s too late. Do not question what you feel or what you need. It’s not about him, it’s about you and how you begin is how you’ll continue. It will not change.

Trust me, I’m 14 years in, and I’m leaving.

August 1, 2010 at 12:22 pm

what is wrong with you people you make marriage seem like hell me and my girlfriend are very happy…We have sex constantly different positions every time different styles and everything, and when where not sleeping together we cant sleep all you people need some real help not these webmd fake doctor pill losers…

August 2, 2010 at 3:24 am

NO SEX, WHAT THE#@$% your kidding right. Ok so then no sex and i guarantee one of the parties will cheat so this is an excuse for dealing with the issue
duhhhhhhhh

August 4, 2010 at 8:55 am

My fiancee and I used to have a really good sex life. The best sex I have ever had actually. Then we moved countries (we are from opposite sides of the world and his visa ran out) and it took us a while to settle and find jobs and friends. His sex drive just seemed to disappear. I spent so many Saturday mornings sitting in the lounge room waiting for him to wake up and maybe, just maybe this would be the week he was in the mood.
I love him and I believe he loves me and things are great in so many ways. It has been 4 years and we are engaged now. He has always said that he is trying to work on it and promises to get help but in the end nothing changes. I have been reading all these posts and it makes me so afraid for our future marriage. I have begun to feel ugly and worthless and to be honest my own desire has drastically reduced through all of the pressure and disappointment. I am starting to feel bitter as if he has taken the gift that we were lucky enough to have in the beginning and let every little thing interfere and take over until it has broken. How can I marry him with this over our heads and all these shared experiences. Some give me hope that we can be happy and survive despite this problem but I don’t want to give up on sex with so much life to live.

August 5, 2010 at 4:44 pm

I have 2 beautifukl kids from the marriage iam in that is sexless for last 4 years, i cant leave for my kids ,they need a family and he is a most loved dad. he is the nicest person one can find on the face of the earth its just that he doesnt want me anymore. i felt everything what nobodysays saidhe is a provider a good father and what not.. i am from a conservative society muslim we have arranged marriages divorce is not acceptable easily .
after multiple attempts and anger and arguing and what not i have now realized its over and that the way life is ,kids are the priority and they ddnt do anything wrong u cant spoil their lives.life is lonely, i dont have family here,dont want to make friends anymore.. just vent out here and there with some old good frnds on phone.
Only thing iam unableto understand is that when iam in peace with all this why cant i move on? why iam sad inside why have i lost interest in myself and in anything else.I want to study and get a job but life is standing still.would any lady with a little selfesteem like to sleep with someone who think you are not worth touching?
i know iam fat, i am not that pretty what i used to be, iam not lady of his dreams, i cannot earn though i have a professional degree but i am still a woman who was raised with dignity and respect. i got married at 31 and in a muslim society even thinking about another man /premarital relationship is thought to be a sin,you grow up dreaming about your to be husband, this is what you get.I cant even tell anyone whats happening to me.
but then really is sex this important?
i cried and cried and cried alone raising my kids , doing everything for them.they are still very young.i sleep with them ,but really i dont want to sleep with a man for whom i was just a money making machine if i worked.who never said a word of love and praise who laughed at me when we had that for being over wt..and what not .i just want to live my life and give my kids what i can do best and that iam not able to do…

August 9, 2010 at 1:59 pm

I have read ALL of these commments about their sexless marriages. I would love to say that I understand the men and the women who wrote them, but I have the same circumstance as most of them and don’t understand my own life. I am recently married (October 2009) and live in a sexless marriage. I dated my husband for about 4 years prior to the marriage, this too was a sexless relationship. I was told that sex would not take place until we were married due to religious beliefs. Well, I’m wondering what the excuse should be now? He explains that becasue we are not united in marriage through the catholic church he cannot receive the sacraments if we have relations. How clinical? We have had some very immature sexual intimacies but never anything that could be labeled intercourse and so few that i can harly remember them. Could he be sexually immature or gay without me knowing or could his religious commitment mean more to him than I do??? Unfortunately, I was in a very sexually active marriage but my husband died of brain cancer 10 years ago. I waited a very long time to find the RIGHT mate. Other than the sex (or no sex), our life is good. It’s like living with a loving brother or father at times. I sometimes think of having an affair but I don’t want to compromise my character. How selfish of him to make this problem be only mine. Whenever we are around friends he makes small jokes in reference to sex or relations as though we are just f ine and I get so humiliated that I’m not sure how to react. I normally do nothing because people would never believe that I live like this. I am very agressive in all the other areas of my life, so naturally people think different about our lives. Should I leave to find what’s missing, to go through the embarrassment of a divorce at my age for something so trivial in other people’s opinions. I started seeing a counselor but he had a hard time with me discussing our relationship… so now I’m on my own. Someone please help… good advice or bad advice, just advice?

August 9, 2010 at 8:01 pm

Married 43 years and 25 years or more without sex. I’ve had E/D for years, I’ve tryed everything without any luck. As we got older various health conditions appeared. Depression being one among others. Wife and I taking meds for depression and etc. Sex disappeared and intimacy also. I don’t like to be touched by my wife or any kissing. The love for each other isn’t there any more either. We will stay together just because. With all these issues we get along fine. We stay out of each others way.

August 21, 2010 at 9:04 am

Dear Somewhere,

I wish I could tell you he was going to change but HE’S NOT.

Going without sex in a relationship for four years, even in courtship, is not normal UNLESS it’s something BOTH people want. And I know how romantic and sweet it is to think – WOW – this guy really wants to wait – just for me. We never think that they might not have an interest in sex.

I went through the exact same thing. The man I’m with is a good man. He goes to work every day, has always held a steady job, is kind to me, my mother and my daughter from a previous relationship. We very rarely argue and on the few occasions we do go out, we have a very good time.

We have a good friendship.

But all is not paradise and the lack of affection and sex in this relationship are not the only reasons, but definitely the main reasons I’m leaving it.

You get to a point where you define what exactly it is you want in a relationship – and if your needs are not being met, you have to question if you’re in the right relationship for YOU. Sex is not just a “want” it’s a biological need. If it’s not being met for you, you need to strongly consider leaving this relationship.

He is not going to change.

He is not going to go to counseling.

He is not going to suddenly become romantic.

Most of all, despite his friendliness it’s important to remember one thing: He is not treating you with respect.

Ignoring your needs is not trivial. What he is doing is emotional abuse and only you can decide if or when you’re going to end it.

August 21, 2010 at 7:24 pm

I was married for more than 20 years to a man where the sex dwindled very quickly, to become a sexless marriage by the end. It was very sad for both of us. I had several health problems that interfered with our sex life, and “not tonight” didn’t mean “I don’t love you” but that was how it was interpreted unfortunately. Walls go up, and are not easily torn down. What we didn’t understand at the time was that we needed to make time for other types of intimacy that didn’t include intercourse which was painful. Sex fuels intimacy, which is the key to a good marriage. Communication, trust, honesty are all key components to intimacy, as well as sex. We divorced, and the guilt was horrible. He moved onto several other very fulfilling sexual relationships, and hopes to re-marry sooon.

I felt that given my health situation, that I would remain single since sex is such an important part of marriage. Fast forward a few years and I met a man who is willing to work with me around my health issues. We might not have sex often (only a couple times a month), but when we do “wow!”. We have also discovered a lot of other fun ways to express ourselves sexually. Add in the aches and pains of middle age, things don’t work like they are supposed to – we just roll over and laugh at this point. Sex isn’t supposed to be pressure filled- it’s supposed to be fun and build up the relationship.

Intimacy can be built other ways as well, and we talk, hold hands, hug and snuggle, make out like teenagers, leave love notes for each other, we play and laugh together. We talk dirty all the time, and really look forward to those few, special encounters. The old saying if you eat chocolate cake each day, it isn’t so special. But talk about chocolate cake for weeks, how yummy it is, anticipate it – then when you finally get the chocolate cake it is magnificent. Sex most definitely starts outside of the bedroom.

I believe that quality is more important than quantity! And my partner agrees – having come from a marriage where they had a lot of sex that met their sexual needs but not their emotional bonding needs.

If your marriage can’t find the fun in the sex – or any kissing, hugging, any touching at all – time to move on. Life looks a whole lot better when you feel sexy and loved. At my age, I feel like a sex goddess because my partner treats me like one – and believe me I do not look like one! Will we still be having sex at 80 – probably not, but we’ll still be acting like teenagers on the couch at night!

August 24, 2010 at 7:58 pm

My husband and I have been married 43 years and approx. 29 years without any sex or intimacy. my husband worked hard in his life, and he developed E/D very early. He couldn’t satisfy me at all. His doctor told us this is unpleasent and suggested to try the blue pill! He tryed them all and these made him sick, Then tryed the pump again nothing. We talked alot and told me I could leave and get a devorice if I wanted. I thought about this for about 6 months. I decided to stay in the marriage again he said I could leave any time I wanted. I couldn’t survive in the real world on the money I was making. I was a secretery for a president of a company. I was hit on alot by many management type guys. I almost went home with one guy, but at the last minute chickened out. I just hung in there !!!! Also my husband went into depreeion and developed high blood pressure. He is taking meds for that. Being without sex for so long has taught me that yes I can live withou it. Getting to this point wasn’t easy.

August 26, 2010 at 12:36 pm

My wife and I have been together for ten years now, and I’ve been living in a sexless marriage (having sex ten times or less within a year) for well over five years now. We never talk about sex, and when we do my wife blows up at me. Then the conversation goes into the blame circle and the idea of sex gets buried a little deeper each time. I’ve heard of make-up sex but never had it. I’ve heard of angry sex but never had it. I don’t understand what this woman is thinking, and when I try to hav eher clue me in to what she’s all about, it turns into the “you should know this about me by now” conversation. Even television shows have recaps! Anyway, we’re trying to have a baby. Correction, she says we’re trying to have a baby, when in actuality we barely have sex. And when we do, it’s uncomfortable. She’s become enourmously overweight and suffers from stomach and back pains constantly, so when we have sex she always looks very uncomfortable and uneasy. Our sessions have the intimacy of making a bank deposit. It’s driving me crazy. She used to be so sexy and sensual, but now she’s snappy and critical. And I’m worried that if she doesn’t take steps to make herself healthy we will have no chance of having a child. I love this woman to death, but this is killing me. I don’t want to feel like a pervert just because I need to be intimate with my wife. We hardly talk anymore because every little thing turns into a full-blown end-of-relationship argument, and it’s been that way from the beginning. Her mom warned her that she was pushing me away emotionally, and that’s what she’s doing! Life sucks!

August 27, 2010 at 3:02 pm

Well, here’s my solution for what it’s worth…

My wife has recently started going through the same need to discard the warm intimacy we once shared in our marriage. Up til’ then, we both worked towards building and making our relationship stronger.

I’ve sworn my love and made vows to respect her as she had towards me. I live by them every moment of every day with pride and commitment. Sure, she has gone against that by arbitrarily deciding to remove all intimacy from our marriage (except for when she asks for massages), so in the spirit of mutual respect, I’ve decided to do what’s right for BOTH of us.

She chose celibacy and to stop intimacy on her own… so will support her need for that. In return she will just have to support my need to share physical and emotional bonds. The way I see it… it’s a win-win and as long as I use protection, common sense and maintain honesty with any new potential partners.

If she believes this is best for our family, then yes, I support her choice!

August 31, 2010 at 1:43 pm

i am married for 1 year and have a baby.my husband has one for trainin to a distant city. There he has to live in gostel, family is not allowed.he also doesn’t get holidays so we cant meet.the lack of sex in our relationship is driving me crazy, i am feelin so much depressed,when i try to convey my feelings about sex to him he quotes examples of other people who are abstainin from sex.sometimes i think of giving him divorce and marry again for sex,but then thought of baby i think i am too selfish. but i think i am getting mad day by day.plus i dint think i cant be as intimate with other person as my hubby.i cant marry again ,seeing and thinking of other couples makes me feel more jealous like my parents,i have so much of sex desire,that now when i am not able to get it i do think of ending up my life.

September 1, 2010 at 1:17 pm

Hi Zennith,

I’m sorry to hear about this and like you, believe family is most important. With that said, it’s obvious you love your child so much as to consider staying in a “loveless” marriage. Here too I relate.

First, you are not selfish. You are a vibrant and healthy human being and there is no shame in having even the most basic marital needs and expectations. I believe most of us on this page has at some point considered “ending” something, be it the relationship, circumstances and sadly for many… considered our own lives out of neglect-based pain.

Second… and as important, this is not your doing. This is an arbitrary course taken by an individual outside of your own influence. Sadly, it is done for selfish reasons that don’t involve you, but that you are imposed to suffer under every day. Whether is based in power, or a lack of on the part of your spouse… it’s simply not your fault.

Considering my own entry (and frustration) I can understand if you’d not be interested… but as someone who directly relates, well… maybe knowing there’s someone out there willing to listen or even talk with is a comfort. If so, do let me know.

In either case, please take good care of yourself.

September 1, 2010 at 3:17 pm

PS: (Zennith)

I know you mentioned trying to talk with your spouse about this… and feel it’s important they should be the first person you talk to with respect in mind, IF he tells you of others in “celibate” relationships… remind him that he is married to only one person who matters. Tell him he needs to focus on what’s happening in his own marriage, not anyone elses.

September 10, 2010 at 12:27 am

The man I have been in a 5 year sexless relationship with broke up with me. We’ve gone through a lot of drama because of the no sex, it was a constant battle. He said he wanted a break to grow some and I believed perhaps it was to help our situation. I recently found out he is seeing someone else. I asked him why he was attracted to her and not me and he said it was just different. Not to be mean but the girl is not that great looking.. I thought she would be amazingly hot but no. He says that I have seen him at his worst (we’ve been thru a lot of serious situations and I have always stood by his side). He tells me that she doesn’t know any of the bad things in his life and hasn’t seen him at his weakest so it just makes things easier. What!?!?!?! I supported him through everything for 5 years of my life, stood next to him despite him making me feel ugly, unwanted, undeserving of love and then he just drops me to be with some other girl. It was bad enough that this relationshiop has broken down my self-esteem but this last stab to the heart has completely destroyed any ounce of me that was left. I helped him to put the pieces make together, to fix his life and now that he is a new man he walks because I know too much?? Does that even make sense? I feel like I was beaten down over and over and now being dragged through the street…

September 28, 2010 at 4:42 am

I guess I’m the bad guy in our situation. I’ve been married to my husband for 5 years. I married at 17 and he was 20. Now we have two young children. I’m just not attracted to my husband like I used to be. We don’t even kiss anymore. That’s my fault though. I just don’t feel turned on enuff and most of the time his breath is a lil sour. I don’t know why because he has good hygiene from what I can see. He has packed on a few pounds ova the years and when we do have sex I don’t really feel much. I have almost no sensitivity down there and sex isn’t that pleasurable to me anymore. I’m never satisified and that’s where the problem comes in. I tell him I just don’t feel like it or I just wait til he falls asleep before in lay down beside him. I hate seeing the pain in his eyes from him not pleasing me. Most of the time he just picks the wrong moments, like while I’m fustrated with the kids. I don’t really know what to do because I try to please him when ever he gets sad, but I feel like its a chore. I love him so much and I know our relationship can survive without sex but trust me I want it just as bad. I just wanna feel that attraction again and I really wanna be pleased

September 28, 2010 at 11:08 pm

Oh QueenTee,

There are no good guys or bad guys in these situations. There are realists and people who are in denial.

You’re on the side of the realists hon. You know that there is a problem. You’ve already answered the first question: Do you truly want to re-establish intimacy in your relationship. You say that you do, but it’s something you have to be honest with yourself about. Is intimacy and sex with this man, your husband, what you really want?

If the answer is truly yes, then the next step is honesty. Pick a good time, plan a time alone if you have to, and tell him what you’re feeling. You don’t have to have the answers – you just have to be open to solutions.

All relationships have these cycles. It’s what we do about them that makes the difference between staying together in a strong relationship, just staying together to stick it out, or breaking up.

But there is no good and bad here. Just love and how we express it.

October 10, 2010 at 8:46 pm

in respose to the i married to reframe from sex.if you were having sex befor you people decided to get married,why didnt you people reframe from sex all together from the begining of you’r youths?talk about opening a 55 gallon can of stupidity.get married so as to not have sex.i put that right up there with…..drinking drain cleaner!

October 13, 2010 at 12:18 pm

I am surprised to find this article and so many comments over years. I can relate to people that do not have sex in their marriage. My wife and I have been married for 20 years. Our sex life and intimacy has declined dramatically over the last 10. My wife is now in menopause and that further impacts our relationship.

I have different thoughts on this daily. Perhaps most of the struggle is with myself being more concerned about what I want or need more than my wife or my kids. My belief is that life and marriage is more about considering someone else before yourself. Any good parent will put their children first. I think we tend to forget that we need to put our spouse first, even if it means we may not be as happy as we think we can be. If you love the person and care about them, then there is no other choice. Look for the “good” in your marriage. Be open and honest. People’s attitudes, beliefs do change and their chemistry changes, but if you love someone you will find ways to improve your relationship. “This is what I tell myself. I love my wife and will find a way.”

October 14, 2010 at 10:05 pm

Intimate connection is a part of being in a marriage. I have been with my significant other for 8 years. I am 50, and we are not married and she was divirced when I met her. We had great sex for three years and then it declined and she had a lap historectomy, and things just have not been the same.
I get tired of initiating relations, and it’s just not the same nor is the frequencey now at a few times a month from sometimes twice a day.

I seldom cuddle her as I get aroused but she does not- human nature is what it is, and that sex can be great when matched with a person that has like desires.

Sucks when it just does not happen.

October 21, 2010 at 11:20 am

Catholic background and fairway from my country (now 30 something…)
I’ve always believed that a woman should only have sex when she is completely in loved with someone. As a result, and because I never felt in love before, I did not have sex with my previous boyfriends until I met my current husband. Yes, he is my best friend, I love him, and he takes care of me, I know. I love his company. We been married for 5 years and we haven’t had any sex …. I’m still waiting for the honeymoon…. I think It will never come. (We did have sex before getting married (like 5 times) but everything stopped just 6 months previous our wedding). Do I regret rejecting all those previous sex opportunities, I think I do. I starting to think that my silly theory about sex=love was wrong.
I used to have fantasies about having sex with him over and over. Now, I still have fantasies but not about him but about a colleague. I know that this new friend finds me attractive, but I also know he will never have an affair with me as he is married too, and he is a good man. (That’s why I like him). We been friends for the last 2 years, and If he was single and me too I reckon we could be happy together. (By the way he does not have sex with his wife either.) Despite the obvious sexual attraction he is the one that tells me over and over I have to be a good wife, that sex is only an animal instinct. And to be honest there are times, when the sexual tension and attraction is really bad, he is the one telling me (and telling himself) to be strong.
I wish I could have a normal life, with a normal relationship. I want to have children and a happy family.

October 21, 2010 at 11:22 am

My husband does not want to seek for help, there is no problems for him. He even knows about my friend at work. I’ve told him once I was starting to feel too attracted to him. And every time I bring this issue up he gets upset and says: Oh no this sex thing again, just be good, just love me.
I don’t know what to do.
Any advices (just remember I do love my husband and he loves me )

November 5, 2010 at 7:55 pm

I am so very unhappy. Being married for 28 years with sex diminishing more and more every year is hearbreaking. I love my husband so very much and our relationship is T D D U P. We have sex not make love probably 5 times a year and it’s a complete flop all the time. I am an attractive woman with lots of sex appeal, I don’t need to be told, but physical love just doesn’t appeal to my husband any more. Yes, he does love me but E/D has now affected his ego which has made him angry and intolerant. What is a loyal wife to do?

November 6, 2010 at 7:23 am

I have been married for 12 years, and the last 5 we have not had any sex. The last two, there has been basically no physical contact- my wife has no desire for any sexual intimacy. Please, please, please did not work. She says she no longer has any of ‘those’ feelings. She had a hysterectomy about 5 years back, and never felt comfortable with sex after that. I asked that she see doctors, etc, but to no avail – she said she was just not interested in that part of marriage any more. Two marriage counselors did not work. We are best friends, care about each other, but there is no physical interaction. I love her dearly, but I cannot live my life without contact. So I just filed for divorce. Breaks my heart, but there is no way that I can go on like this. Very Sad. But I must say, if you are in a relationship that is broken – go get help. If it is still broken – go get a lawyer. Sorry guys, sometimes its just not in the cards….

November 7, 2010 at 1:09 am

After reading these comments….I found out that there are so many people suffering from what people like myself dish out.

I am one of the wives that doesn’t give any out to her husband. Ever since I got pregnant with my 1st kid, I haven’t felt like “myself” (re: normal, not in pain, or tired all the time, or out of it, or sleepy, or rushed….) I have had my myriad of problems-complicated pregnancy, C-section, complications afterward, Post-Partum depression, severe weight gain, job loss, income loss, more depression, anxiety disorder, another baby, diabetes, more weight gain, more depression and more anxiety.

Over the years, our sex life is dwindling more and more. And it’s my fault. I always feel too busy-like there’s some chore that I’m expected to do, such as making dinner, cleaning up afterward, taking care of the kids, bathing the kids, putting the kids to bed, making sure stuff is ready for school/work the next day, finishing college work, etc, etc, etc…..by the time I was lucky enough to fall into bed I would need a sleeping pill from the severe insomnia, so I would knock out.

Meanwhile, my husband would get more and more frustrated because after all that, I hadn’t made any time for him. His needs and wants would go ignored for weeks to even months at a time…and I would start to get a hint of why he was being such a jerk to me and then we would get into a huge fight (sometimes physical) where we would blow up at each other, and he would tell me his sexual frustrations and I would promise to change….and I would change….for all of about 2 weeks. Then the old routines would creep back into place and we’d be right back where we were before.

November 7, 2010 at 1:10 am

Here lately I have had NO desire…I don’t know if it’s because of all the stuff mentioned earlier, or the fact that I had to have a hysterectomy, or the fact that I have a new job now, or what…but I literally NEVER think of sex. If I manage to somehow remember to think of it, and try to remember the last time my husband and I had it, it never seems convenient to have it, or I try to initiate it and get rejected (weird twist of events…) and it seems like a chore for both of us. My husband bottles up all his emotions and then unleashes them on me…telling me about his sexual frustrations, and, like before, we go through another bad fight.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve tried OB/GYNs, marriage counselors, Rx drugs, sex toys, looking at porn, masturbation, scheduling sex, “date night”, and so on. I just have no fluttery-butterfly intimate feelings…..ever…..and this is frustrating to me because I don’t realize that I’ve ignored my husband until he’s about to blow up or already has blown up at me, and he feels unattractive, ugly, used, and that I only keep him around for a paycheck and benefits. I try to show him that I love him by making him his favorite meals and buying him things I know he wants or needs, but that doesn’t mean that he FEELS loved…..

I just wish I could go back to feeling normal, like the way I used to feel before I had kids. But when I think about that….it makes me feel like I should have never had kids, and I regret some things in my life, and it makes me depressed because I would never have had the wonderful kids I have in my life right now….but I feel like I’m losing my husband….and it’s my fault.

I’ve told him how sorry I am that I can’t provide for all his needs….but those are just words…..I want to make him happy…but I feel like I can’t because I don’t have any desire. This whole situation is so upsetting to me, and him.

Sometimes I hate my life……

November 14, 2010 at 12:17 am

My wife and Ijust had our 10th anniversary. I’m 48 and she’s 34. We have an 8 year old daughter. As it goes, for the last 7 years there has been no physical intimacy between my wife and me – and it’s definitely not my doing as I have had an ultra high sex drive most of my life. I can honestly say that I’ve never had better sex than with my wife.

So as I said we just had our 10th anniversary and of course I am hoping that things change as far as intimacy. We get along fine, no fights ever, basically housemates while being parents to our child, though I must say that she and our daughter spend almost inordinate amounts of time together. It seems like they could easily do fine without me, sad to say.

I know she is wanting to work on things for her own betterment, as she has always said for the past number of years. And she does seem a bit happier, and that is all I want for her – to be happy with herself. But being 10 years now and truly not getting any inkling of her making strides like I have always believed she would when she says that she’s working on things, I have to really wonder.

But I guess the 10 year marker is really significant in my mind. In one sense, I think that this is a life lesson for me, which could allow me to transcend my life long “weakness” for women and really work on my spiritual growth (which I have been quite well). But then again, like eating and shelter, sex is a very basic human urge. I wonder if I should ask to have an “open marriage” if she has no interest in me like that anymore. I have been faithful and not had sex with anyone since we’ve been married (and I’ve had opportunities). I just have to really wonder if it is good for my emotional health to basically “go along” with what she is basically determining on her own.

November 20, 2010 at 8:30 pm

I live in a sex less marriage now and my feelings are so strong I am sad. I have addressed this with my partner she said she’s not vary good at that. How can this be after two children and no problems. If i can’t change this what can i do. I am bad if i go outside the marriage and don’t want to leave her. I am considering taking my life which is the only way i can see of stopping the pain.

November 20, 2010 at 8:47 pm

Lonely and Married,
It is very important that you talk to someone immediately and let them know you are feeling this way – someone who can talk to you right now.

If you see a psychiatrist or a counselor, he or she is the person to call. A family member or friend is also a good choice. If these options are not available to you, please call a suicide crisis hotline.

In the United States, you can call 1-800-784-2433 or 1-800-273-8255.

Here is a web site that lists other hotline numbers in the U.S. and around the world: http://hopeline.com/ries.asp

I am so sorry you are hurting right now. It is so difficult for those of us who are reading your post to know how to help you. We can’t see you or talk to you; we can only let you know that you are not alone, and that there are people in your life and available on hotlines who care about you and who can help you to work through this.

Please reach out to them.

Sincerely, Sheri

November 22, 2010 at 3:05 pm

Married 15 years. We had a good sex life when dating, and early on in our marriage. After having children of course, it waned a bit. But now, on a good year we have sex maybe three times.

I ache every day for my wife. She was abused as a girl and it has really come home to roost now. If I give her any attention she says it makes her feel like a whore. On those rare occasions when we do have it she has to force herself and just wants it over as soon as possible. I am just sick with this. We have decided to just consider our sex life over so as to maybe give her some relief. She can go on with her day to day life and not worry that I’m hoping to be with her. I thought this new arrangement might be easier, maybe even a relief for me, but it has turned out to grieve me like I never could have imagined. My heart is so heavy and I could cry almost anytime. I just don’t know what I’m going to do.

Keep Your Lust for One Another Alive

By Sheri & Bob Stritof, About.com Guide

Yes. Feeling lust for your spouse is healthy, normal, and fun! Parents should be lovers!

Scheduling Time for Sex

Once the two of you are three or more, then sex and lust may become less and less spontaneous. In order to keep your sexual intimacy active, you may have to schedule your spontaneous sex.

That doesn't mean sex won't be just as enjoyable. It just means that you have to be a bit more practical.
Are there other couples that you could swap "date nights" with? They watch your kids one night for a sleepover, and you watch their kids another night.
Quality time alone is critical for your marriage to stay healthy and happy.

Rekindle Intimacy in Your Marriage

Quality time isn't just about having sex either.

Quality time is the walk around the block, it's going to a movie together, it's a dinner out just for the two of you, it's going together to a museum, a book store, or an art gallery, or taking a hike, flirting with each other, and more.

You know what rekindles intimacy between the two of you. Don't let it fade away because you have children in your lives.

Intimacy as a Gift for Your Children

It is very important for you to still be romantic around the kids.

Children love seeing their parents hugging, kissing, pinching, patting, squeezing, flirting, and smiling at one another. Let them see the love the two of you have for one another.

Being intimate with your spouse is the greatest gift you can give to your kids. It is a gift they will never forget and that will positively impact their own relationships as adults.

Dear Michele,
Please, please help me. I am going through hell!! I am twenty-eight years old, married with a three-year-old daughter. For the past three years, my wife has avoided being sexual with me, my wife is not interested in sex. It has slowly gone from having sex maybe twice a week to now, if I'm lucky, once a month. And even then, it's not really having sex. It's more like her saying, "Hurry up and get in here and let's do this before our child wakes up." There is no foreplay. She doesn't even kiss me. I'm the one who always is initiating any sort of affection... SG

Michele,
I have a husband who is a good guy; great father, good provider, but I have no lover. This lack of sex in my marriage is more than just a lack of physical attention... It goes deep into a woman's heart. I think in a normal marriage, a couple can fight about anything, but then they can make love and soothe the bad feelings... sort of like a sexual rebirth, a forgiving ritual. But when you are deprived of even that, bitterness and sexual resentment and desperation accumulate. I'm angry about the wasted years, the years I could have been loving, but spent agonizing about why I was being sex deprived. It's so much more than sex. It's feeling wanted, and sexy and desired by the man that you are committed to for life. LD
Marriage sex experts estimate that one out of every three couples struggles with mismatched sexual desire; one spouse is hot when the other is not. Because of advancements in medical and psychological libido-boosting alternatives available to those whose desire has waned, bridging the desire gap should, in theory, be a simple endeavor to solving marriage sex problems and saving marriages. Unfortunately, it's anything but. That's because millions of people with low desire are simply not concerned about or troubled by their lack of interest in sex in marriage. Nor are they particularly motivated to do much about it. Just ask their spouses!
Being complacent about ho-hum sex is a formula for marital disaster. A sex-starved husband and a sex-starved wife are in danger of getting a divorce over lack of sex in the marriage. When one spouse is sexually dissatisfied and the other is oblivious, unconcerned or uncaring, and has no interest, sex isn't the only casualty; intimacy on every level becomes non-existent. Spouses stop touching affectionately, having meaningful talks, laughing at each other's jokes, or connecting emotionally. They become like two ships passing in the night. Infidelity and divorce become all too real threats.
But rather than diagnose the person with the lack of sexual interest as the problem, and refuse to change until s/he changes first, there are many ways partners can work together as a team to turn around the decline in their sex lives. But first, you need to know if your marriage is sex starved. Start by taking this marriage sex quiz. Be honest with your answers.

The Sex-Starved Marriage Quiz

Do you find yourself:

Going to bed earlier or later than your spouse just to avoid the possibility s/he might get amorous?
Lying in bed at night, careful not to stir for fear that s/he might start touching you?
Being sexual out of guilt rather than feeling desirous?
Arguing with your spouse about sex frequently.
Blaming each other.

Do you find yourself thinking or saying:

"By the end of the day, I'm just too tired and have no interest in sex."
"If you had to work as hard as me, maybe you'd understand why I have no interest in sex."
"How can we have sex? The kids are always around."
"If you were nicer to me maybe I'd be interested."
"Why do you always have to touch me in a sexual way?"
"If you weren't such a sex fanatic, I'd probably want more sex."
"If you'd help more around the house, I'd want to be closer to you sexually."
"I just don't feel turned on anymore."
"I have a lot on my mind right now. Sex is just not all that important to me."

Have you been feeling hurt, depressed, resentful or angry about your husband or wife’s lack of interest in sex?
As a result, do you find yourself being highly critical or bossy?
Out of anger, have you berated your spouse or been mean-spirited?
Have your feelings of resentment about your married sex life prompted you to shut down emotionally and pull away from your spouse?
Do you wonder whether your spouse really loves you?
Do you question your attractiveness or masculinity/femininity?
Do you intentionally make plans that don't include your husband or wife?
Do you feel yourself building a wall around you to protect yourself from feelings of rejection?
Do you feel you've tried everything but your spouse simply doesn't understand how important sexuality is to you?
Are you feeling tempted to stray beyond your marriage to find companionship and sexual excitement?

Sexless Marriages and Sexual Healing

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Sexless Marriages and Sexual Healing

Sexual healing

Marriage

Sheri & Bob's Marriage Blog

See More About:

Living Without Sex

Making Time for Sex as Parents

Keep Your Lust for One Another Alive

Scheduling Time for Sex

Rekindle Intimacy in Your Marriage

Intimacy as a Gift for Your Children

The Sex-Starved Marriage Quiz

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